WAW hasn't walked yet, but emotionally dead

[mako]

Well, W left today to go visit family near NY, she also has a job interview up there. She will be gone till Tuesday.

Before she left, she mentioned again that I had been dealing with things much better this week, as compared to last week which was bad. I told her that seeing the C helped a lot with me just trying to learn to be open and honest with my feelings, and that it HAS been very difficult but I am trying to move on and improve my life. I told her that even though I am moving on I still would prefer to improve my life WITH her, and I know that she is not there right now, but if she ever changes her mind I am still willing to try to work things out, at least for now.

I don't know how receptive she was...she got into a mood of kind of just being restless and doing other things, focusing on packing her things for the weekend. She does that though, when she doesn't feel like dealing she just kind of shuts everything out, I start talking then she jumps into doing things so she doesn't have to listen. I asked her if she was listening and she said she wasn't ignoring me, but she didn't acknowledge my points. I know she heard me, but I don't know if she REALLY heard me, but I didn't press it any further. In the past when I've pointed this out she just kind of gets defensive, so that's not so productive to do right now.

She did say that she knows she needs to see a C too, but as I've mentioned before she will not go with me or to the same one. I hope she does find one soon though, I know she's going through a lot and needs to talk to somebody. I can only hope she doesn't go to someone who thinks that divorce and running from your problems is the answer, but I have no control of who she sees and if I made suggestions I know she wouldn't be open to what I say. Just another thing she's gotta deal with herself.

When she left, she had the odd idea that she would say goodbye by giving me a high five. I gave it to her, but this really caught me off guard and I think I got a weird look on my face cause then she decided to give me a hug. She will call me tomorrow to let me know how her interview went.

Last night was also weird. She saw a postcard we got from my uncle. He's always been very good to us, but we found out recently that he is a drug addict and was in rehab, so he sent us a postcard from there. She said she really wanted to send him a card or letter, then she started crying, saying that she can't because my family must hate her. I tried to console her, rubbed her arm and her back, and she let me do this for maybe 5-10 seconds before she moved away and said she was ok. I made it clear that my family doesn't hate her (they are concerned with my happiness and don't understand why she is doing what she's doing, but they've always liked her and don't hate her for it)...so now she is sending him a card.

I don't really know what any of this means, but as always I can't control what she is thinking or how she chooses to react to things. I can only work on myself. It felt good to be honest with her that I am still willing to try even as I try to improve myself, it is something she needs to know, even if she's barely listening right now. I'll probably go to a friend's house for the weekend, haven't seen him in a while and it should be something fun to do.