Well my wife and I are still at an impasse. Even though I didn't initiate, but was peripherally involved in the exposing of the affair, she got very upset and wants a 2 months "trial" separation.
I'm coming up with ideas for giving her space to think.
As far as I know, the affair is over. The OM broke it off with my wife and told his wife. His wife sent my wife, and then me, a rather angry letter.
Since it's still so fresh from the ending of the affair, my wife's feelings haven't changed all that much. The fog, so to speak, hasn't lifted. She, may, however, be rather disillusioned with OM.
Emotionally, I felt I needed a real apology for the affair(remorse/regret) and a re-commitment on her part to the marriage for me to want to stay in it. I have neither from her at this point.
I, have, however, on Sara's advice, let go of the toxic anger I was holding on to. It will help me to refocus on living my life with joy and being more pleasant to be around.
I am seeing my counselor tomorrow evening.
I started in a good job working for a headhunting firm that specializes in technology. It's a position of Practice Leader and I would have to hire 3 people to work for me. Ultimately it's a commission job after a set "grace" period to get the people hired up and running. It's starts as salary but becomes a draw against commission situation. The potential for very high earnings is there. Yet it requires extreme passion and drive -- which I may not have anymore for this type of work.
I have an offer from, what, I think, is a better job, which I'm inclined to accept. It's being the manager of recruitment for a small but rapidly growing software/consulting firm that is building a presence in NYC. Salary is higher than where I am now and benefits are better. No management responsibilities, though. Year end bonuses are small.
I am hoping for a third offer from a major Wall St. Investment Bank as a Director of Recruiting for a business/technology area, with management responsibilities for 2 jr. recruiters.
Let's talk about tonight.
Interesting evening.
Our situation is that wife sleeps in living room. Tonight after putting the kids to bed, she was sitting on my bed lounging around, putting off preparing for a test she's got next week. (she's preparing for a nursing/midwifery degree). She looked ragged and worn. I offered to give her a backrub. She gladly accepted. When I finished, I held her in my arms and we sat there for several minutes quietly.
Intimacy is good.
Perhaps my initiating it is pursuing behavior.
On the other hand, her sitting on my bed is entering my "space" and seems to indicate an openness to intimacy.
For those of you who pray. I need wisdom about the job decision and I need a dose of PMA.
It took me over a year to get an unprompted apology that meant anything. When it did come it felt HUGE and very good. Although WE need these things they aren't worth anything unless they are heartfelt. I am so pleased you have been able to let the anger go a bit and congratulations on the job situation.
As always, you are in my prayers and thoughts. Thanks for the update. Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Sounds like things are improving slowly. I have no career advice. You are the professional in that field, so I think you will choose what is best for you.
As for the relationship, I do have some advice. I think you should not worry about pursuing behavior. If you and your wife are to get along and put your lives back together, it will be you who makes all the overtures. She's not going to do it. If she isn't looking for a replacement for OM, then this is your opportunity.
The backrub was a great idea. And it sounds like it was warmly received. So that is perfect. Not too pushy, but the warmth of human touch which can thaw the ice. Backrubs, nice meals, maybe inviting her to take a walk, or go for coffee. Somehow you need to get back to sharing a dream together. You must find a way to plant the seed of a shared dream with her.
Keep up the good work. rome wasn't built in a day.
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
