So, I decided there were some things I needed answers to.
Kiddo and I went to xh's house last night. I wanted to discuss a bunch of stuff with xh, so, after he asked me something (can't recall what)...I just dove right in...
Here's what I learned:
When I told xh that we had been paralleling married behavior, I got that blank, confused look again. So I just asked him, if he didn't see how we were playing married, what did he think 'married' was? His answer: "I don't know."
xh told me he thinks I'm sweet, wonderful, attractive, smart, a great mom...admittedly, all the things he is looking for in a partner. He admits he loves me. When I point-blank asked him what the problem was, he said he "didn't know", just that "something" was missing inside him. He said he didn't know what, or why, but that he's been trying to figure that out for a long time now. (Did he share the same crazy glue that 99's H is sniffing??) Just that it was something inside him. He said he knew how weird that sounded, and it was driving him crazy because he didn't know how to resolve that.
xh also claims that he doesn't feel that 'something missing' when he thinks about JD or MN, and that he really would be able make either of those potential R's work long-term. (Yeah, that doesn't make sense.)
I was quite blunt with him about JD. I told him he was, despite his protestations, dating her. When I asked him why he doesn't think she's his girlfriend, his response was "We haven't talked about it yet."
I also told him that she was using him as an exit affair (she is married), and there was virtually no chance of a potential, long-term R with her. I got more confusion and denials from him. xh insisted he had 'done his research', and that this was 'common in the latin community'. Whatever. He's still too closed on this topic, so no use in pushing it right now.
So. I switched gears. I asked him what was holding him back from me--because maybe it was something I could address. I was expecting him to say my snooping or jealousy or something like that. I was prepared to offer what I am already doing, and what else I could be doing, to work on these. Instead, I got: "I don't know." (I'm getting kind of sick of that one.)
I suggested the "missing" feeling might be part of the leaving script. (He and I have discussed the script before.) He insisted it wasn't, at first. Can't recall exactly what he said next, but I pointed out that it was part of the script, too. It looked like he might have waivered for a minute.
At that point, I was feeling drained and depressed. (Which is why you really shouldn't initiate R talks, except that I don't really care anymore if they push him away...) And it was past the kid's bedtime.
As I was trying to get the baby to sleep (he decided he wasn't 'done' playing), I was fighting back tears. So, xh comes in, and gets all distressed about it. He wants to comfort me; I thank him, tell him I am okay. He wants to hug me; I tell him thanks again, but no. He asks what is wrong.
So I tell him. I tell him I find it gross that he was sleeping with me while telling her how much he loves her, how much he wants to be with her--that he told her he "cried every day because he missed her". I could see him squirm; he mumbled something about saying that was private stuff. (Interestingly, when we dated, he would have yelled it out loud in a park to the world. Not sure what in the world the difference is.) I just asked that he give me some time to calm down, and put the baby to sleep.
I recall xh laying down next to me later that night. It was nice. Then I realized it, and switched sides of the bed to the other side of the baby. He mumbled some apology, something about he had 'just fallen asleep' and wasn't 'trying anything'.
Not sure how much later it was, but he kept asking if he could lay next to me. I finally acquiesced when he insisted he 'just wanted to talk'. So he curled up on me, laid his head on my chest. It felt really, really good... xh said some kind of apology (again), said he was feeling guilty. (Wonder if something I said knocked some of the stupid loose??) He said it felt really nice to be next to me.
Then he changed his story from earlier; said that he had felt like things were "right" with me at "some times". (So, I'm guessing, the "empty" is typical walk-away rewriting. That I can work with.) He asked if I forgave him. I said I do. (And I mean that.) He asked why. I said I loved him. (Doesn't mean I intend to back down on my boundaries.)
I'm pretty sure he wanted to ML. Just knowing him. But he didn't try.
As I was headed out this morning, I did say one last thing to xh. Probably it was a bit of a dig, but I find this frustrating. I asked xh...so...during those first few months you and I were dating, we didn't actually discuss our status...we didn't have the "are you my boyfriend?" conversation. I asked him, why not? His answer: "We didn't have to." So, then, I asked, "What's the difference with JD? If you and I didn't have to, why do you need to with her?" His response: "You have a good point."
He told me he was tired of talking about JD. I told him it wasn't about her. I don't hate her; I don't think she's a bad person. (I've honestly never even met her.) I told him this was about how he views relationships.
xh was still mostly asleep, and asked me to stop, so I went ahead and left. Haven't talked to him much this morning. I did send him a text this morning, thanking him for his honesty with me last night. At the time, I made sure to tell him that I wasn't looking for a "right" answer....just that I was trying to understand. Since, apparently, we have a major communication gap here.
So...blech...that was my evening. Can I hit him with a baseball bat now, please? I just want to knock out some of the stupid. Do you think it would work??
No. Actually, I think a good portion of that started some of the wheels in his head turning. Maybe not all of it...he still really shuts down when I mention JD (and I understand why)...but hopefully enough that he'll chew on what I said for a bit.
I still stand by my reasoning that he's just being a stupid idiot, who needs to reexamine his ill-conceived relationship ideas...but, who seems to be willing to do so. I think I am done pushing for any further commitment from him at the moment. (Even a 'don't date while you sleep with me' one...I'm just not going to fool around with him... )
I also expect him to go retreat into his cave and hide and think it through for awhile. That's fine. It doesn't bother me that much anymore; I don't take it personally.
So. As far as I'm concerned, the subject is now dropped. I'm going to go back to "unconditional friend" with boundaries in place; I don't want him to think any new/bad/different information is going to change our friendly relationship. Just that there are more romantic aspects I will decline to share with him.
