I dont know what is going on with W. just when I think it is over she tells me she loves me, maybe just a slip. But then yesterday she calls in sick and spends the day with me. She took me shopping and bought me two new pairs of shoes, and Shirt and slacks.
She has started telling me how good I looked.
We have been talking a lot in the last 2 days. I feel she has a lot of pain still in her heart. I feel that when she lets go of the pain she will be able to love me again.
After my mother died i just shut down emotionally, and I shut her out for almost two years. I am just now starting to comprehend the depths of the hurt that she is dealing with. I see more and more what I wasnt doing to be a good husband for her. I do a lot of apologizing to her when we address the things that I didnt do. Things that I now do for her. I guess it will take a long time for her and her heart to trust that the changes I have made for the better are here to stay. I see her pulling closer to me. But then days when she talks to om she pulls away. I guess that this is normal.
She told me the other night that if I knew the half of what she did I would never take her back. yes I would, Yes I can. Thats unconditional love. But not knowing the whole truth is so scary, because All I can do is dwell on the absolute worst thoughts that I can think of. I have to get those thoughts out of my head.
Well moving soon. She is staying here with the kids in the house. I can only hope and pray that she misses me and wants to move to where I am when the kids are out of school. We will have to sell the house eventually.
I have been talking to her about the future. I know not good. But these have been more about what I am going to do not what we are going to do. So I am talking about what I will do after we D. All I can do is leave it to God now. I cannot allow myself to burn any bridges, by getting angry.
I had started to try and distance myself a little and just the little I did do she took notice of imediately. I think it scared her that I was pulling away from her. this is part of my experiementation that Michele talks about in DR. Seing what works and what doesnt.
I know in my heart that she loves me. I know in time she will know that too. I just cant be impatient. time is my friend right now.
I am so confused. I Know she is too.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
