Sorry to see that you haven't experienced much progression. Hasn't anything gotten better? I thought that she'd quit her job, is it the no contact letter and phone change that's the rub? What's she not doing? Are there ANY positives in you interactions? You know that this is going to take a lot of hard work with lots of setbacks and it sounds like you're pretty closed off. I hope things get better.
She did quit her job (and played quite the victim doing so), but OM eventually left there and she recently went back as the pay and hours were better for us. I was having to pick up our sons from school 3x a week, and that wasn't good for my career, and was only a stop-gap thing because we really needed the money.
There were three "dealbreakers" that I laid out for her when she begged me back. Write a "no-contact" letter to OM, agree to total transparency (esp. cell phone # change, with new phone's detailed billing coming to me), and get tested for STDs.
She did none of them.
We have also hit a very rough financial patch, with a possible foreclosure looming, and at the first appearance of these dark storm clouds -- as ominous as I understand they are -- she stopped wearing her wedding ring and pulled away from me.
WAY too soon for that.
Also, in the 10 weeks since we've attempted reconciliation, she has not initiated ONE kiss, ONE hug, or ONE backrub, armscratch, NUTHIN.' Even though we had long, heartfelt convos about how important this was to me. So even with a pending divorce action (coupled with a custody fight) hanging over her head, she could not even begin to give me what's been lacking for nearly 20 years, and she cut-and-run, commitment-wise, at the first storm.
She told me the night that she came to me and begged me back, "If it takes a lifetime, I will make it up to you." She couldn't even give it a MONTH.
Choc.
Still Way Too Soon 11/2007
You asked me if I’d just give you the chance To make it up to me You said that you’d made the mistake of your life The fog had lifted and now it was clear to see
That I was the one, the one for you That I was your love, your life, your home You said that if it took the rest of your life You’d make it up to me, alone
Well it’s way too soon for you to pull back now Way too soon to give it less than your best, baby Way too soon Way too soon You hurt me way too much to fight me now, and Hurt me way too much to say that you just don’t know
The rest of your life? Hell, you couldn’t give it a month You couldn’t give it one storm
If things had gone, nearly perfect maybe And everything had blown your way Maybe that’s what you were hoping for baby And only then, again you’d say
That I was the one, the one for you That I was your love, your life, your home That even if it took the rest of your life That you’d make it up to me, alone
Well it’s way too soon for you to pull back now Way too soon to give it less than your best, baby Way too soon Way too soon You hurt me way too much to fight me now, and Hurt me way too much to say that you just don’t know
The rest of your life? Hell, you couldn’t give it a month Couldn’t give it one storm This was way too soon, And now I’m gone.
My daughters are fine; they live out on their own anyway (altho I think D18 regrets moving out maybe a year too soon, gets homesick, and hints around about coming back and yet knows that "back" may look very different). And the boys have been really good, compared to this summer, but that's because they think mommy and daddy are back together again.
It's going to hurt them deeply, and it makes me very sad. But I've given it 20 years, including damned near everything I've got for the past 6 months. At some point, my happiness and my mental health has to come back to the front burner.
We haven't communicated in a couple of weeks, HD, but he's really done everything he can for me, and has let me know he's always an "e" or a phone call away. I have to get my foreclosure situation squared away, and my house on the market and sold, before I can really work on what might be left to save of the marriage anyway.
I don't want to step out of bounds with Choc and his situation. As he said, he asked for three simple things. Doing those things required just a bit of genuine humility, possibly publicly, on the part of his wife.
Writing the "no contact" letter would likely have been scorned and made fun of at her then current (and once again I hear) workplace, by her previous paramour.
Getting a full panel STD test would involve a clinic or doctor's office.
Having someone else have watch over your activities via the detailed billing would have left her feeling exposed.
All three conditions would have brought some immediate level of trust back into the relationship. All three conditions required that she set aside a little bit of her image and pride. That is where the watch breaks.
I will attest on Choc's behalf, that his wife definitely has issues with pride and image. Those are both issues that got her into the mess to begin with. If she can't begin to lay them down at some minor level, then there is little hope for the relationship, unless Choc wants to become a doormat (unacceptable). Also, the chances that she will cheat again are very high, especially with financial issues looming.
If you cheat and never face the reasons why you allowed yourself into such a vulnerable position, then you are likely to repeat the action.
For what it is worth to the rest of the forum, in my opinion, Choc has earned his way out of the marriage. He has done the work on himself, and he is a changed man. The potential for survival of the marriage will manifest itself once the financial dust settles. The financial issues are also a matter of image, and of security, which is generally very important to a woman.
Whether the marriage survives or not, largely depends on Choc's wife's willingness to do the work on herself that needs to be done, and in haste. Someone asked what Choc had done for the marriage. The answer is simple; All that can be done other than emasculating himself. I certainly would strongly disagree with anyone that suggest that he do so in order to keep his entitled wife.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
