Still trying to win WAW back (#2)

[theforlornhope]

Just thinking...is there any way to approach the W about things she does/says that hurts me now?

You mean besides this whole divorce thing?

Seriously though, that's a difficult area. I'm in the same exact place with my STBXW. I'm new to this like you but I'll tell you what I am doing.

Anything you say to her about it will probably cause her to feel guilt, or make her feel like you're telling her what to do. She'll respond poorly as you've no doubt noticed.

There does come a time to set boundaries, but first,...

If there is a particular behavior/action which occurs that hurts me, I examine it for reasonableness. (unless I fly off the handle like I did two weeks ago.)

Is it something that a woman might say or do in a normal marriage but only hurts me now because of where we are in this thing called divorce?

So far, the answer for me has usually been yes, that's a reasonable thing to say, although terribly insensitive.

I've stopped expecting her to be sensitive. The only S feeling I see or expect anymore is Selfish.

So, for the most part, I overlook these things and try really hard not to let a conversation falter, or a positive sit turn bad.

About setting boundaries, I am approaching this as something I will do if it is a repeated hurtful thing.

An example for me is my wife repeatedly bringing up how great another couple is doing in their marriage after skirting this same disaster. If she keeps doing that, I might say something like "I'm glad for them, but hearing about that right now just emphasizes our situation and I find that hurtful. Please try not to bring that up with me." Because this is certain to cause a poor response, I won't do it unless I have to.

I think that certain repeated actions rather than subjects are more important in boundary setting. e.g. not picking up the kids, treating you disrespectfully in front of the kids, being really nasty to you, etc.

These types of things I would set a boundary on much faster if they are repeated.

One thing I am struggling with is my STBXWs expectations that I treat her like my wife while she doesn't treat me as a husband.

A lot of this is nitpicking on both of our parts, so until something big comes up, I'll probabaly leave it alone.

I'm supposed to be acting "as if."


Something I'm learning about this too is that they literally can't be sensitive about things because they have turned off the part of them that cares about us.

It sucks, but it is what it is.