It is a different love...I feel more like your H, I think, though. Although I would lay my life down for my kids, and my H (once). I know that we love our children more than they can ever love us (or they would never leave!). But I expected my committment and love to last forever with my H.
Anyway, H seems to have stayed exactly (or damn close) to where he was a year ago. And the influences from CW are apparent in some of his comments. So it gets worse over time, not better.
I know it seemed like an increase in contact with him, since I haven't journaled much. But that 20 min convo was the only one since the phone call in the hospital. And I don't imagine speaking with him again until the family therapy next week (which will be monitored by a prof), and then after Thanksgiving (also monitored by the Ls).
I'm trying to remember some of the other things said that night...one was that I thought that I loved him more than he ever loved me (he did not disagree). The other was his continued insistance that I "treated him like a piece of meat, a trophy." That is right out of CW's mouth. Not that any of it really matters--it is a blend of justifications, lies and evidence of no growth to protect his ego. He is not ready to see, and may not ever be ready to see. At least the kids will have one healthy parent (recovery is lifelong, and I am determined to break the cycle).
At therapy yesterday, IC said it is time to pull the focus onto me only (sound familiar?). Make decisions not based on he and I, just what is best for me. Such is the decision to go to my Aunt's for Thanksgiving. I decided to not go our traditional route because I didn't want to avoid the elephant in the room and put on the happy face all night while being extremely uncomfortable. But I also thought it would be good for H...he could feel free to go, and maybe even get to feel something with me and the kids not being there. That second part--NOT my responsibility anymore. That is the other part of Letting Go.
I feel badly for him, wish he could see, try to understand, have been so frustrated over this whole thing....simply not mine to think about anymore.
I talked about the stone, the problem I keep turning over and over again, even in my sleep, trying to figure out a solution. IC said it is time to put the stone down. If I pick it up, just picture placing it back down, or back in the box for now. Later on, we can skip it acorss the stream. But just put it down. It will still be there after I do other work, me work. I can pick it up again when I am stronger, with help. For right now, do nothing with it.
She said that is her tennet in life--when she is unsure as to what to do, it signals to her that she still has something to learn in order to fill in the background information, and an answer might be waiting just down the road, at another time. We have time.
So, by the end of the year, she asked what I want to have accomplished:
1) Being more organized in where stuff is in my house and my schedule 2) Continue a soothing bed routine--take care of me 3) Become more at peace
