It is a different love...I feel more like your H, I think, though. Although I would lay my life down for my kids, and my H (once). I know that we love our children more than they can ever love us (or they would never leave!). But I expected my committment and love to last forever with my H.
Anyway, H seems to have stayed exactly (or damn close) to where he was a year ago. And the influences from CW are apparent in some of his comments. So it gets worse over time, not better.
I know it seemed like an increase in contact with him, since I haven't journaled much. But that 20 min convo was the only one since the phone call in the hospital. And I don't imagine speaking with him again until the family therapy next week (which will be monitored by a prof), and then after Thanksgiving (also monitored by the Ls).
I'm trying to remember some of the other things said that night...one was that I thought that I loved him more than he ever loved me (he did not disagree). The other was his continued insistance that I "treated him like a piece of meat, a trophy." That is right out of CW's mouth. Not that any of it really matters--it is a blend of justifications, lies and evidence of no growth to protect his ego. He is not ready to see, and may not ever be ready to see. At least the kids will have one healthy parent (recovery is lifelong, and I am determined to break the cycle).
At therapy yesterday, IC said it is time to pull the focus onto me only (sound familiar?). Make decisions not based on he and I, just what is best for me. Such is the decision to go to my Aunt's for Thanksgiving. I decided to not go our traditional route because I didn't want to avoid the elephant in the room and put on the happy face all night while being extremely uncomfortable. But I also thought it would be good for H...he could feel free to go, and maybe even get to feel something with me and the kids not being there. That second part--NOT my responsibility anymore. That is the other part of Letting Go.
I feel badly for him, wish he could see, try to understand, have been so frustrated over this whole thing....simply not mine to think about anymore.
I talked about the stone, the problem I keep turning over and over again, even in my sleep, trying to figure out a solution. IC said it is time to put the stone down. If I pick it up, just picture placing it back down, or back in the box for now. Later on, we can skip it acorss the stream. But just put it down. It will still be there after I do other work, me work. I can pick it up again when I am stronger, with help. For right now, do nothing with it.
She said that is her tennet in life--when she is unsure as to what to do, it signals to her that she still has something to learn in order to fill in the background information, and an answer might be waiting just down the road, at another time. We have time.
So, by the end of the year, she asked what I want to have accomplished:
1) Being more organized in where stuff is in my house and my schedule 2) Continue a soothing bed routine--take care of me 3) Become more at peace
Our H's were voted the worst H's around here. That was a real wake up call for me because I was still willing to accept a lot and even take responsibility for it.
I don't feel like I am really handling things well, so I hope you don't mind me peeking in on how you tackle your sitch. I am trying to follow your lead.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Neph--any time. I have to catch up on all my friends this weekend on here. If you ever need to call or email, please do--real live voices are sometimes needed.
The latest email exchange between H and I. I copied my L on my response.
-------------- Original message ---------------------- From: "cb"
> hey, i've been thinking alot about thanksgiving. i would like to take the > kids to my brothers. i was hoping i could pick them up after school on > wednesday and bring them back on friday, i know it is your weekend. i > really don't get to have any time with them out and around my family. > thanksgiving has always been higher on my list than christmas. you can > host christmas at the house. this way dad doesn't have to drive and the > kids can be home. i'm sure dad has to work. anyway, someone mentioned > that you were thinking about going to your aunts, i really think the kids > would rather be at uncle scott's. so that's what i've was thinking, let > me know what you think. i hope this is agreeable. also,i know the kids > have off on friday, do you have to work? do you have coverage? let me > know.
I have been thinking a lot about it, as well. I remember back to last Thanksgiving, when I had to put on the happy face only 2 weeks after you told me that you were no longer in love with me. How I was told not to cry or make a big scene. And how I was reluctant to make love to you when you were still so ambiguous about what you wanted to do (and unknowingly to me, also still being physical and intimate with the neighbor), but you said it would "help." While I wore the wedding band that you couldn't bring yourself to wear any longer.
I am not trying to be vindictive here. I am trying to forge a new life and traditions for myself and my kids. I do not want to go through another holiday trying to put on a happy face because no one wants to be uncomfortable, which is why I made my decision not to go to Scott's. I have lost more than just you in this mess. I have loss my sense of extended family, as well: while everyone recognizes that it "sucks" but no one wants to get involved or talk about it. Be with your family. You can always have a non-holiday gathering of your family on one of your weekends with the children if you'd like them there.
So, while I am dealing with that loss, don't ask me to also give up my time with my children. Not this year of firsts. I have planned on them going with me as I give thanks for what I have left in my life that is precious to me. It will not interfere with your Wed or Fri night dinners with them; they just need to be home between 7 and 7:30.
As far as Christmas goes, I thought they could have dinner and exchange gifts with you on Christmas Eve. They need to go to bed in their own home that evening, waking up to their own tree and stockings. I haven't even contemplated who else would be in attendence that day. You do have them the weekend of New Year's Eve.
I have this Friday taken care of. You can get them for dinner at 4:30.
If you would like, you can pick the kids up right after work again on the 16th for your weekend; I won't be home. I'll make sure that they are packed.
(((HUGS))) donna, this is going to be a very tough year, isn't it?
I had the holiday schedule made out in the summer. I swear, in a weird way it gave me some control over something, I guess, and H agreed to it already, so thankfully I don't have to deal with it now. I gave H thanksgiving this year, but I get christmas eve/christmas morning, he has christmas day, I have easter. just something I came up with, and figure next year we will switch. will be hard to not have them christmas eve/christmas morning, if we switch that part, but I'm going to do everything to make it wonderful still, and thankfully I have a full year to think about that one.
have you guys hammered out something like this? maybe let him have easter instead if you want thankgiving? or maybe give in on thanksgiving, but tell him you want easter?
its going to be hard, but we are going to get thru this, and we are going to carve out new traditions.
(((HUGS)))
take care of yourself.
Last edited by morgan; 11/08/0708:59 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
We haven't hammered out a thing. He is next to clueless about the finances, except that he now has a very competent L who will work hard for his interests. I told the kids tonight about T-day before he could get to them tonight--D is ok with my Aunt's, S is pissed. Going to H's brother's has been a tradition, he has the whole camp, we usually stay the weekend, and he gets to drive the quad as long as its not raining. Instead, we will be couped up in a smallish house in Brooklyn. There will be kids his age, but they hang out together all the time, and S often ends up being the 3rd wheel. I asked him if he was angry. He said yes. I asked if he was angry at me. He said no, just angry at everything, at this whole thing. I guess we have something to talk about with the family C on Tues.
Don't ask me why, but I signed up for DB coaching sessions. First one is tonight. I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe just to prove to myself how over is over.
donna, any chance you might let them have thanksgiving with their dad this year then? if you think the kids would have more fun there this year, and it is part of tradition, it might be easier for them. then maybe you could start a new tradition with them, for the years you don't have them, that could be a great time. maybe do a special thing wedn night with them.
this all has to be so hard for the kids, it really upsets me more than anything what my kids are dealing with. that's one thing h and I are doing pretty good about, trying to bend over backwards to make sure they are okay. I guess I just hate the way that sounded...that you got to them before h got to them. I am not judging, please don't think I am. written out, it feels like it comes across that way. feel free to tell me to stfu, okay?
about the db coach, not quite sure I understand that, but good luck and I hope you let us know what you guys say, if that's possible. I guess I feel so hopeless about my own situation, I wonder if a db coach sees cause for hope even when things are so far gone.
take care. ((((HUGS)))
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Honestly, I'm going to 4x4 you, so don't read if you don't want to.
You're reply to H's email, more guilt, blame and shame and all about YOU. Not cool. You don't have to like that he asked, but did you notice how his email was succinct and to the point of what he is requesting, which is time with the kids? Your's is about, 'You did this to me, suffer, blah, blame, blah, shame, blah.'
You "got" to the kids before H - foul ball and really unfair. Your son is angry and you can fix that with grace and dignity and most importantly by showing your kids you will put them first no matter what, but you're not going to because you're angry at your H.
For months you've been wailing about how unfair H is to be doing this to you and the kids, and when a moment comes where you can shine and show your kids and H a graceful way of dealing with custody - you know, being able to think of what's best for the kids when unexpected things come up - you instead do exactly what you blame your H of doing. You'd rather your kids are miserable to punish your husband. Yuck. And not something I would expect from you. Wallow for and with yourself, don't bring the kids into it.
Donna, hate me, curse me, call me names, but you're just not getting it. I hope like he!! that you can get over this part quickly, but it's turning really ugly.
Thanks all, for taking the time to read and respond, even you Steph. I don't only want to hear from people who completely agree with me--constructive criticism is how you grow.
I did make a unilateral decision about this holiday. I felt like I needed to show him that he can't have everything all neat and pretty with the choices he has made, affecting all of us. Yep, I should have used the 48 hour rule. I would have cut the whole first paragraph out, and most of the rest, and kept it to kids and business.
In the past, I have done all that I can to accomodate him and the kids' best interests, even when it hurt (example: he wanted to switch weekends so he could take the OW to the ball game to sit in the seat he had originally bought for me, and the weekend getaway that we had planned--I switched with him).
The kids won't be miserable--it will just be different. I will make the day special in new ways for them. We talked about taking all of the kids out to the movies after dinner. I was not trying to punish H, so much as letting him experience the natural consequences of D--we won't all be together all the time like we used to. I know that my opening lines didn't show that--I could have done a much better job, and I will make sure to tell him during FC on Tues that I would have liked to have the kids go to his brother's for the holiday, but I can't this year, for me. Yes, this is selfish--it is a 180 for me.
When I spoke to my S, I actually started thinking about other options...I am considering letting H pick up the kids and keep them overnight Fri into Saturday, so they get to have it both ways. Again, something I will bring up Tues in person.
It does have to be all about the kids. But we are also setting up new precedents here, new ways of interacting. And I had turned into Desperate Donna (which is repugnant, even to me). I will be careful not to let it swing too far the other way, either. Just looking for equilibrium again.
I have got to say SO much less when I email him. That first part was all about the negative side of me, the past hurts that neither of us can go back and change, so why bring it up? It would have been so much better to start off with a positive, thank him for asking, but politely decline. I will be much more careful. I have just been taking and buying into how much this was "all my fault," that I rebelled against it all. Not productive.
