I had the affair and now my marriage appears Over

[25yearsmlc]

Dear LH,

I hear your complaints and you have some hurt feelings. Unfortunately your reaction to the hurt was to commit adultery and believe me, that hurt her so much more deeply and for so long. Sounds like she didn't feel much choice about the 2nd pregnancy and pressure to have her have the baby AND work could easily feel unfair to HER and she could have felt abandoned by YOU...acts of service are one language of love, but her language may be a different one. I recommend, in addition to Divorce Remedy, "The Five LOve languages" book. You aren't on the same page in some way.s

Don't interpret her knowing of the A as condoning it, or holding it over your head. In all probability she wanted to see if YOU would end it on your own. But the sad thing is that when you were with your wife you wanted warmth and loving....but she knew you had betrayed her and very very few women are warm and loving to a man they know to be cheating....it's a vicious cycle.

Totally accept that her coldness may well have been a result of what her pain was, not an act against you. And realize much of that "original" pain came from her feeling neglected/pregnant again/pressured to work/unattractive and the grand finale, your A. I think you were lucky she waited to see what would happen. But when she did her 180' for real, and you had to choose, you chose her. But now SHE is confused. All this time she may have been planning to heal herself from the expected blows from you ---more affairs, more lies, maybe illegitmate kids, STDs, and she did this by protecting her heart, putting walls up to protect herself.

You both have a hard road. Are you seeing a c to check out why you'd do this to a woman you love? Why won't you do it again? Do you KNOW that you won't do it again? How? If you've got good answers to those ??, then TELL HER and SHOW HER.

Good luck, and get that 5 Love Languages book, by Chapman (?)
j-