There and Back #12

[SallyM]

okay, well, I won't beat your h too bad....he actually gets extra credit points for re-making the bed later. granted, he has a hell of a hole to dig himself out of still, but I do give credit where credit is due.

[SallyM]

a little bit ago h forwarded me an e-mail. one of his friends from childhood and his wife just had a new baby last night. I'm so happy for them, but so jealous, too. no, I don't want a baby, but I'm jealous that they are having a happy time in their marriage and mine is over.

i hate myself for even thinking like that. I feel like a rotten person. I really don't begrudge them this happy time...I am thrilled for them. but apparently am self-centered enough for a bit of a pity party.

normally I would trot off to gymboree or gap.com and order a sweet little outfit for the new baby, but guess I'll leave that up to H.

so I ended up letting the kids watch a bit of animal planet while I took myself up to my room for a bit of a cry. my punishment for being so selfish is I didn't hear ups ring the bell so I missed out on the delivery I was exepcting today.

on the good news front, my friend was able to line up her dad to look at my shed roof on friday. fingers crossed it isn't to expensive. I have no idea what something like that runs, so don't even have a ballpark. it doesn't look like too big a deal, but we all know how that can go.

wow, big downer today, aren't I?

[Reincarnated]

Morgan--
I finally got through the rest of this thread--I have been pretty scarce. I am still having ups and downs, but they are not as severe. The meds make me tired; I've crashed for 1/2 hour every day after work.

It took me back when it was mentioned that my H was the worst of the lot--wow. I mean, wow. I wonder what he would think if he read that. It is so hard for me to remember the sh!t that he has put me through, the abuse. And he actually said that he was gunshy after all I had put HIM through these past 4 months! Unbelievable.

Don't go to the D threads. I won't allow myself either, and we have already started the process. Just take it one day at a time. Speculation and assumptions / projections hurt like crazy. I just got a paper from him L in the mail yesterday--saying that it could be wrapped by March! So, these things don't happen overnight.

I have a good article on the collaborative process I will try to dig up. In it, sometimes people even learn the communication skills that they needed and things improve to the point where they wonder why they were doing a D in the first place. Rare, but happens. At my meeting last night, a woman spoke of filling out the eHarmony profile after her D (she initiated). It returned 10 guys, 8 who she felt nothing for. The other 2 were nearly identical to her xH. She called him and asked if there was any last spark, any last vestige of a relationship before she started dating. They eventually remarried.

The point is, you never know. No matter how much we want to plan, just KNOW what is coming, like our expectations of the future before the bomb, we can't. There is no telling what may be. Just let each day come.

So much easier to say to someone else; something else entirely while you are trying to get the same message through your own head.

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))) Donna, I've been a bit scarce myself. Just having a hard time here lately...feel like I'm not being supportive at all. I feel like I have nothing good to say for newbies, and just am depressing to the people who I've gotten to know. I update mine, but overall am not being a very good buddie. sorry about that. I am thinking of you, even if I don't post much, I hope you know I wish you the best. hopefully will be out of my funk soon.

okay, took a little nip. wtf is wrong with me? no, I didn't call/text/e-mail him. instead, I looked up a girl's myspace page to see if anything was on it about him. how sick is that? she's a girl who used to work for him in his previous job, and he showed me her page once, so I looked it up. yep, a nice picture of him, and one of ow (not together) from the vegas trip in september. gag. boy, for a man who was so broken down the night before he left, he sure looks happy in that pic. and maybe its just me, but she seriously looks like she should have horns and a forked tail. ugh.

why do I do things like that?

I suppose its good that I haven't actually contacted him. and the girl's page is open, so its not like I signed in to look at it, so assuming she won't know I did. maybe? if it comes up, I could say I was looking for her e-mail so I could thank her for the earrings she supposedly bought D3 recently.

[SallyM]

see, and one nip starts a spiral. okay, not much of one, actually more like a bitch fest, but stop! doesn't seem to be working. its just not fair (whine whine whine) h gets to do all the fun stuff. he's going to vegas. he's staying at the freaking winn. he gets to go out to dinner all the time, is going to springsteen in a couple of weeks, gets to have sex whenever he wants.

I, on the other hand, get to haul the garbage, arrange for all the work on and around the house, or do what I can myself. I get to wipe snotty noses and change diapers (ahem, pullups, same diff, stubborn 3 year old son who won't train). I get to referee fights and listen to squabbles as they try to referee their own on occasion. I feel like I live at the grocery store and target. I get to scrub and clean and make appts and make sure everything is getting done. and he, well, he gets to play. yeah, and work, I know, I do appreciate what he does on that front, I do. but he still gets to play. and he is appreciated for what he does...appreciated by his coworkers/boss, appreciated by me for the work stuff at least, appreciated by ow for whatever else. me, well, I do all that I do and H doesn't see it, thinks I do nothing at all. and the kids, well, are kids. they think it all just happens magically. and dammit, I'm sick of sleeping alone. I know I complain a lot about this, but I'm freaking 40, folks, I'm not dead. how dare he make me celibate. he gets to have sex, I get freaking flannel sheets and a bunch of c batteries. not the same, boys and girls, not the same.

whine whine whine. grumble grumble grumble.

I need a trip. and an expense acct for that trip. sigh. ahh, well, I do have my health. and my kids. and even if they don't appreciate me per se, they still give me hugs and kisses.

[LL44]

hi morgan. You've been kind of quiet tonight so wanted to see how you were.

I totally understand your curiousity about H and your venting is justified. I am sorry!

I could say I was looking for her e-mail so I could thank her for the earrings she supposedly bought D3 recently.

You know me, I would do this anyway (email her), then you can actually let D3 wear the earrings instead of throwing them away since we are assuming, for the moment, that they are really from OW.

HUGS

[NikB]

(((morgan))) Just stopping by to offer some hugs.

Where can you go for cheap on a little trip? (I mean that.. you're right, you deserve one, so let's brainstorm!!)

[nephartiti]

Hi Morgan. Just catching up. I am in the same boat. I don't feel like I can offer much support these days, but I am here.

You will get through the bitterness, Morgan. I am working through mine too. It is hard not to feel like we are getting the short end of the deal here. Yes, they get to "play" while we are being responsible full time parents. However, if given the choice, would you really switch places? You really are in the better place. He seems happier because he has been able to "choose" where he is where we have to "accept" where their choices have left us.

(((HUGS)) I hope you feel better soon. Someday, your children will appreciate all that you do now. They will recognize what a strong amazing woman you are. You are their world, their rock

[saffie]

Morgan,

I am thinking of you.

((((((HUGS)))))))

You are always welcome here if you can get a cheap flight. And my older kids just love younger kids.

saffie

[SallyM]

hey all,

thanks for understanding. I'll get over this funk, I will, just need to get back to GAL on my own. I tend to hibernate in the winter, and have found myself heading in that direction, so then when I see h having a great time/doing fun stuff, I resent it, and honestly, I only have myself to blame. but the thing is, I like hibernating, too, at least a little bit. I need to find my balance.

I am heading to VA with the kids in a couple of weeks, but think I need a trip just on my own, at least a long weekend somewhere. will start looking into it. at the very least, I can go visit a friend somewhere...hope a plane friday and be back by sunday even, so h could be on childcare duty and I don't have to try to figure something out on that front.

I have therapy today, which will be good. still trying to find my balance between dark to h, but at the same time, not hostile. It feels hostile to me, to not chit chat and such. but I think that's part of my problem...I'm an open, friendly person. its my nature. being short with someone isn't, it really goes against the grain for me. but at the same time, being open and friendly right now with h just ends up hurting me, because I am not detached enough to leave it like that...I can't seem to help but read into stuff, and he can't seem to help leading me along a bit (the sex, the comments about certain things).

thankfully everyone seems to be feeling better in my household, cold wise, so everyone is off to school this morning. yay! am going to try to make the evening hours at the gym with the kids, will depend on how they are doing. wish they had earlier afternoon childcare hours there. but I definitely need the w/o. if not, well, tae bo at home I suppose.

not much else going on. watched the final 2 eps of cold feet last night. well, not the final 2, the final 2 of season 3. just found out it went to 5 seasons, but netflix doesn't have the last 2 seasons...ugh. hate that. but the way season 3 ended, I suppose I can just pretend that was the series finale. kind of nice, actually, since one of the couples who ended up splitting due to infidelity found their way back to each other.

well, off to feed the masses. hope all of you are well. thanks for the support, all, I really do appreciate it.