I guess the rollercoaster had to take a downturn at some point. With Halloween now a pleasant memory, W had to take the wind out of my sails again. She's started in already talking about the Thanksgiving holiday. She plans to work Thanksgiving day, which is what she usually does since holiday pay is more lucrative for her. In the past we would celebrate Thanksgiving the next day, Friday, with her mother and her aunt and uncle coming over and bringing food. The aunt and uncle are not going to come over for Thanksgiving this year, but they wil stop by briefly on their way to the airport -- apparently they're going to fly out of town on the holiday.
My first thought is I would get to spend the holiday with our S's, since everyone else is not going to be around to truly observe it. But , no, W is trying to dictate to me that I am not to have our S's -- she has planned for S's to be around for the brief visit with her aunt and uncle (who live only two hours east of here). W put it like S's would stay with MIL while W works on Thursday; then Friday S's would visit with IL's in our (my) house, and I would pick them up Friday evening, and I could plan my own (belated) Thanksgiving with my S's on Saturday. WTF?!! Holiday, schmoliday! That's no differenet than any other two-day weekend that I get the boys. I am off on Thursday and Friday -- what am I supposed to do? Twiddle my thumbs?!!
I bit my tongue, and when W asked me what I thought about the plan she was introducing to (foisting on) me, I told her I would "think" about it.
I don't like this; my gut feeling is that W is trying to set a precedent here. This is the first major holiday with us separated and I think she is making a play here. I just don't understand how, even given her selfish little alien-bent mind of late, W could think that a couple of hours (if that) with her aunt and uncle means more to my S's than getting to see their father for two whole days I have available for them. And they're not even going to observe Thanksgiving until W gets home on Friday.
I am still pondering my reponse to this. I am considering several options for counter offers, but I also don't want to aggravate the tenuous so-called R with W either. She knows this is going to start a big fight, and if I don't defend myself here, she's definitely going to walk all over me.
I could agree to her terms about Thanksgiving in exchange for having both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am sure she's going to try to work those days too to garner the extra holiday pay, but I don't think she'd really want to give up both of those days to me. I also don't trust her -- she'd probably take all of Thanksgiving this month, and then, by the time Christmas came around, she'd try to rejigger the deal.
I've also thought to tell W to use one of her days durng the weekdays before the Thanksgiving holiday to take the S's to visit the aunt and uncle at their home, if that's so gol-darn important.
To top it off, when I picked up my S's this evening for my regular weekend custody, W had slipped another draft of her precious Separation Agreement among the boys' things I brought back with them. Nice.
I guess she wants to make sure I don't feel too good about adjusting to this crazy situation. Every good day has to be countered with at least three bad ones.
I got an indication this morning of just how wide the gulf is between W and I.
I've been taking our S's to church and Sunday School nearly every week since our separation. W works weekends, so she rarely gets a chance to join us - usually no more than about once a month.
Today as I am driving our S's to today's service, she calls me on the cell phone to say she finished her morning patient early and could squeeze in joining us for Church. My first thought, for all but a millisecond, was "Yeaaay", but it was immediately followed by a sense of annoyance. I feel no spiritual connectedness with this person anymore, especially given what she has become. Part of me is immediately glad for her soul she's at least showing up, but the other part of me is beginning to almost loath this stranger imposing herself on what is usually a very peaceful and spiritually upliftng time for me.
It's like the lyrics from Rascal Flatt's song, "I Don't Want To See You Anymore":
Quote:
...I love it when you're with me, But I'm better when you're gone...
W showed up today just as the church service was beginning. As per her usual MO of late, she planted herself on the opposite side of our son(s) from me, even when there's space available next to me. No big surprise there.
In the middle of the service, usually right after the offering, they call for the older children to go off to what they call "Children's Church." That's when S6 usually goes for the remainder of the service (S2 is doing well in the 3 & 4 year old nursery.) W or I will escort S6 down the hall to the room where these children are to stay, if no other adult is actively collecting them. When W returns usually, in returning back to her seat in the main service, she never closes the gap between us, the extra seats that our S's had occupied remain empty between us. If I am the one who has taken S6 to his class, when I return I find a bible or hymnal or two taking up the seat I might have once taken next to my wife. She's been keeping her distance fairly consistently in these last four months.
Today was a little different. This time when she escorted S6 to his Children's Church class, she never returned. Her seat remained empty and the printed program/announcement flyer she had been given originally remained unmoved in the seat where she had left it. Up until that point I was really feeling pretty peaceful and somewhat blissful, as I was successful in not giving W too much focus. But then she disappeared. We were all served Holy Communion, we had a sermon, we sang hymns, we had a speaker -- and yet my W was absent.
I chalked it up to maybe she got a phone call from a patient. Or that S6 had had a problem going into his class and she stayed behind with him for some reason. The latter was not so likely as S6 had not had an episode like that in years. Whatever the reason, I continued to try to enjoy the service as if she had never shown up at all.
At the end, however, I stood up and began to walk towards the exit, and then I saw her -- she had returned to the main service after all, but this time she had decided to take a seat at the back of the church, as far from me as she could. She came over to me to tell me to pick up S2 and she would get S6, then she turned tale and scrambled out.
Really, do I have leprosy or something? I was nothing but peaceful and pleasant the whole time, so what practical reason could she have for such behavior? I guess I know now. I don't think I am being overly sensitive about this either (please correct me if I am wrong), it just sucks how she now thinks so ill of me all of a sudden, after 17 years of being together.
I said nothing to her about this, but there is nothing left to be said -- her message was painfully clear.
I think church would be the hardest place of all for her to be around you. I think it was that very GUILTY conscience of hers is why she kept distance.
Glad to hear that Halloween went well. Maybe this would be a good thing to get some sort os custody agreement if you think she will keep pulling stuff like this. If you have the time off they should be with you.
trying is right. But I am so sorry. H leaves the room most times when the kids aren't with me. It makes me feel awful.
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Really, do I have leprosy or something? I was nothing but peaceful and pleasant the whole time, so what practical reason could she have for such behavior? I guess I know now. I don't think I am being overly sensitive about this either (please correct me if I am wrong), it just sucks how she now thinks so ill of me all of a sudden, after 17 years of being together.
I could have typed this, but not so many 'together' years. Its just horrible, isn't it?? HUGS, super HUGS! You are a wonderful person and don't deserve this.
Thanks, everyone, for the support. I can't tell you much it means to me how everyone supports each other here. We once got this kind of loving support from our spouses at one time, didn't we?
I went to my DivorceCare meeting last night -- another very informative session. It was a session on what the"Owner's Manual" (as they put it) has to say about Divorce and Separation. The "Owner's Manual" being the Holy Bible. I can tell you this, the segment we had several weeks ago on "Single" Sexuality (how starting a sexual relationship too soon can have detrimental effects) would have had my W shrinking in her seat, but last night's segment on what the Bible has to say about Divorce and Re-marrying another -- with very pointed references to Malachi 2:16, 1 Corinthians and various sections in Matthew -- oooh, now that would have had my W fleeing from the room in abject shame and humilation.
After the first 5 sections dealing with issues in very even-handed terms, Section 6 lowers the boom -- and that's as it should be since, frankly, what it says in the Bible on these subjects cannot really be played down.
I still want my W to go to another church's hosting of this program -- it will do her good.
One of the more interesting pieces of information came not from the materials or the video, but from one of our support group participants. I really appreciate having another group of friends, similar to our comradery here in the DB forums to gain advice and help from and to give back to. One of my new friends in the DivorceCare support group had heard about a program very similar (it sounds like) to the Retrovaille program so many DB'ers here are fond of. It's called The Third Option ( http://www.thethirdoption.com/index.htm ). Their site states, "Most struggling couples see two options... Painful marriage or divorce. But there is a Third Option, a way to a better marriage."
At the encouragement of our group, the leader of our DivorceCare group is looking into whether the church here would be interested in hosting one of these programs.
Your meetings that you attend always sound so helpful, glad you keep going.
I peeked at that website and viewed some of their stuff in the "Help Yourself" section, interesting..... I haven't heard anything about it, they aren't where I live...maybe someday...
Yes, I recommend DivorceCare to anyone here if it is offered by any church or religious organization near you.
As for The Third Option, there's not a location near me either (NC), but the program director at this church is looking into starting it up here. (Incidentally, she's also looking into having the church re-start a group covering "The Search for Significance" as well.)
Im glad the boys are good. they are so fun at this age... my S4 will be 5 on sunday and my S1 will be 2 in two wks.. they grow up so fast, So I am enjoying every moment I have with them.. wasn't able to read through all of your stitch, but wanted to know how you made out with the thanksgiving situation??
im sorry, But your kids seeing their father is more important then anybody else in this point of their life. They need you. Especially right now. I can't imagine how they are feeling.
Hope you have a good nite.. I'll be on and off tonight..
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
The arrangements for Thanksgiving are still not set. I have not yet determined what I will do. If we can agree to giving W Thanksgiving in return for me getting Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning, I might be more inclined. It would be more than fair since Friday, Nov 23 is S2's birthday too -- he turn's 3.
But I just know W would renege on that deal, even if she initially agrees to it, rationalizing the importance of our S's being in "Mommy's" warm and cozy house (my house)-- instead of Daddy's apartment -- for such an important holiday.
I think I forgot to mention that on Monday W has since added another twist to this tale. Now she also wants me to give up the preceding Saturday as well -- so her cousin and her family can see our S's as they're passing through town that day (Nov.17). (This is W's cousin whose daughter has NVLD.) While I truly think it's important that my S's get to see their extended family, and I don't want to seem like I am impeding their opportunities to do so, I am feeling this is going too far. Now, not only would I not get to spend my two extra day's off with my kids during the holiday, but now W is suggesting that I cut my measly two weekend days in half on the weekend before. WTF?!!! Again, I said nothing for or against, but in my mind what she is asking is just not right.
To my face W has been stressing how important I am to my S's lives, how she wants me to continue to be their father even though "we can never live together again as husband and wife." But her actions say something entirely different -- she has so little disregard for my role in their lives that she puts me so far down in the priorities of their needs.
I related all of this to my support group on Monday -- they feel I should seek out a L and get a custody agreement set in writing. I've now had 48 hours to consider all of this. If W pushes so much as a hair's breadth further on this, I am going to the L and getting my own version of a separation agreement (SA) drawn up, one far more equitable than the ones she's tried to foist on me so far.
I really didn't want to have to go this far so soon, but W seems to be forcing us down this road. She shows hardly any respect or consideration for me, even when it would be in our S's best interests, so maybe a little tough love will shake her up some. Or at least get her to back off.
I can't make up my mind. As an alternative, I had inquired with my church in going with them to Mississippi on a Katrina Mission trip (to help the victims down on the Gulf Coast). If I can't be with my family on Thanksgiving, then I figure I could at least help someone far less fortunate than myself have a better holiday. But I spoke to the organizer and unfortunately the schedule for this trip just doesn't work out for me to be able to go -- they leave on Tuesday the 20th and don't get back until late Sunday the 25th. I really don't want to miss S2's birthday altogether.
Instead, there are other opportunities with our church in which I can serve locally, so I'll look into those. If it works out, then maybe it won't be so bad for me, but I still worry about my S's. Should I insist on spending the time with my S's? I don't want to back down, or be seen as backing down, quite so easily. Does anyone have any thoughts on these sorts of matters?
Wow nocode, I think that's a great idea to help others over the holidays. I am so sorry she is disregarding the importance of your time with your sons. And yes, I think if you have one more incident where you feel she is pushing you aside, you will have to get something in writing. It seems like she takes days and times away from you but doesn't offer anything in exchange, like an extra day here or there. That makes me sad for you and your boys.
Don't forget (and I know you won't), your apartment is just as warm and cozy as the house (YOUR house, I get that), because you, Daddy, live there.
