When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

Hey Sage, thanks for the thorough response. I was just curious as to the status of your R with regard to how it had been in the past. For me, I don't really remember when my R was "satisfying." Maybe it's because during the time I didn't see it for what it was, or maybe it's because it really hasn't been for so very many years. Kind of sad really.

Jethro -- one of the things that DB'ing has done for me is to slow me down and make me more aware. This has its good points AND its bad ones (more on that later) but one of the good aspects was it made me realize that H. has been articulating love and interest for me ALL ALONG (well, not during throes of A!) but that I wasn't "hearing" it. Why wasn't I hearing it? Partly because it hasn't always been in MY language, partly because I wasn't paying attention and partly because I was filtering out all of his efforts with my own insecurities, doubts, etc.

Now, the bad part about DB'ing for me (and the awareness that it creates) is that I'm sometimes having trouble shutting of the "watching and learning" aspect of it and just enjoying the moment. Then again, maybe it's me not DB'ing! I've always struggled to "go with the flow".

It's interesting how much we have in common. Two things stand out for me that you said:
- Belief that your H would be faithful (or the lack thereof).
- That you are much more of a worrier than H. and spend a lot more time and energy on stuff than was necessary.

(Are you a Libra???)

I'm a Gemini.

I'm not sure if it's the "stars" that drive me towards my tendencies or my upbringing (that old nature/nurture argument!). I CAN say that I think I've spent a lot of time blaming H. or being angry at H for things that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with whatever filters/defense mechanisms/whatever I developed growing up. I'm not going to blame my parents or wallow in that for TOO long but I've REALLY been able to see how my method of coping as a kid has REALLY screwed up my ability to be present in my M AND to let my H know how much I love him. He has really paid for a lot of crap that he didn't deserve.

In any case, I very much understand where you are coming from with regards to a fear of an A and being more of the "responsible" one. I've learned to let go quite a bit, be less anal, and just chill. Overall, it makes it easier for my W to be around me...especially when she isn't chillin'...

I think that I've mellowed out quite a bit too. Sometimes I get frustrated that I'm not sure that H sees it...or more to the point, that he's not giving me credit for how I've pulled my sorry self through the last 5 months. Of course, that could just be me NOT seeing how appreciative he HAS been because he hasn't come right out and said "You have amazed me with your strength and grace over the last 5 months. Thank you for working so hard on our M." Of course, he may be posting on a BB somewhere wondering if I've seen and acknowledged the changes that he's made, too....I know I've commented on them but I wonder if he's been able to hear what I'm saying!

Sage