So after 20 years and three kids together, this past Sunday morning as we are laying in bed the W hits me with ILYBNILWY. She says this has nothing to do with me. That she has simply fallen out of romantic love with me.
She says that I am a wonderful husband and father and no one could ask for more and it’s not fair to me not to have physical relationship.
She then says that she needs a life outside of me. She feels like she needs to get a job and take some classes. She doesn’t want me to provide for her anymore or buy her anything. She wants to pay for things.
I ask what this means for us and she says she doesn’t know. I ask her if I need to leave and she doesn’t know. She says there isn’t an OM and I believe her.
I never saw this coming, but should have. We’ve always said “I love you” multiple times a day, but lately I’ve worried that it seems forced. She used to cuddle with me on the couch, but not any more.
Sunday night she tells me that she doesn’t want me to move out and still wants me to sleep in our bed with her. She just needs time, but could want a divorce.
I’m devastated. I break down and you should know that I never cry. I turn into a big baby. Not attractive. Eventually I survive the day and through the miracle of Ambien fall asleep.
Monday:
I get up early to go to the gym while she is doing aerobics. I grab my coffee and say “have a good day” trying to give her space. She stops me and holds my arm to ask if I’m okay. Says that she is sorry for hurting me and that she was hurting me by not being honest before. She says that she needs time, doesn’t want me to move out and that there is still a chance once she finds herself she could love me again.
Work was hell. I was walking dead.
Monday night I got home and basically kissed the kids and went to bed.
Tuesday:
I get up early again and head to the door. This time she stops me, says she is sorry and hugs me.
At lunch I went out and took a drive. I thought about all the things that I had wanted and how I made all the family decisions and told her she didn’t have to work, that the family was the most important job for her, made her feel that her whole world was to take care of the kids and I.
Tuesday afternoon I spent the day reading through this website and gathering my thoughts.
Tuesday night I went home and told her that it was me. I said that I stifled and smothered her. That I had worked so hard to give her what I thought she wanted and needed instead of asking what she wanted and needed. I said that I didn’t want a divorce or a separation and that I would work to give her all the space and support she wanted.
Wednesday:
Another hug as I leave. No I love you like there used to be, no kiss.
Can any one help me? Am I making mistakes? Do I have a chance?
Let me be the first to say to you that I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but that you will find so much help and support from wonderful people here who know and have experienced your pain.
Sounds like you have already started your own journey of figuring out how you may have contributed to problems in your M (marriage)... that is a huge first step. In addition to reading and contributing to this board, get either Divorcebusting or its followup, Divorce Remedy (I think quite a few people find DR more helpful) and read, read, read!!
Also, since you have now shared with your W (wife)...don't bring it up again...talk is cheap, and not likely to be believed. If anything, at this point, conversations will only drive your W further away. Show her by your actions that you mean what you've said.
There will be others along to share advice; keep posting your thoughts, and read and post to others as well.
I too never thought that my marriage would have problems until a month ago. Also, I have not cried as an adult, however, the emotional pain of my W telling me she does not love me has caused me to break down and cry like a big baby. Likewise, my work is affected by this as it is hard to concentrate.
As many will say, you need to concentrate on yourself and your kids. Talking about your relationship will most likely only push your wife away further. Try to improve yourself for yourself. For me, I never really liked how flabby I was getting and have started working out with vigor and feel much better about myself after losing over 12 pounds. Also, I have started taking golf lessons and will be taking up archery soon.
Dont beat yourself up that it is your fault. You sound like a good father and husband like myself. This is something that your wife needs to figure out for herself. Only she can find true happiness and a target in her life. It may be that she is going through a mid life crisis and is regretting choices she made with her life.
You should probably find a counselor that specializes in Solution Oriented Brief Therapy.
Books I have bought:
- Divorce Busting - Divorce Remedy - The Walk-Out Woman: When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost - The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Men's Edition) - For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women - We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage - Make Up, Don't Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples - Relationship Rescue (by Dr Phil)
I have nothing but hope that you and I will have our wives come back to us. With the Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, this is a really bad time of the year to be going through such a problem. Keep your chin up and you confidence high.
woo, so sorry to see you in this situation. it mirrors my situation very closely. i too completely feel apart. not in front of w, but by myself. all she saw was my anger and hurt, for the first two weeks. thank the lord i found this website, and read dr at least 5 times. you must have this book ingrained into you psyche. you are doing exactly what you need to do. dont be too hard on yourself. my wife also told me i was a good husband and father. i know i made mistakes to help contribute to the situation. but my wife, like yours, needs time and space to figure their feelings out. dont crowd her, i know its hard. she will feel much more comfortable around you if you dont push.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Thanks for the support. The hardest thing for me to do is not to try to "fix" the issues. I'm a fix it kind of guy. I've made my career on problem solving and getting things done.
I'm just going to try to focus on "fixing" myself. If I fail on anything it is going to be on this front.
you are way ahead of my learnig curve. i tend to try to over analyze, this whole thing has brought me to my knees. i believe this could be a real awakening for both my wife and myself. be strong.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
As hard as it may be, you have to quit moping around. I read what you wrote and it didn't sound attractive at all. The hardest thing in the world is to take the time, right now, to rediscover yourself. If you looked seriously at the marriage, you might see things that had slipped by the wayside. Maybe it was dull and you both gave up doing the things you love. You stopped speaking her love language. Take a look at these things. And take a look at yourself. Your wife telling you she isn't romantically in love with you has crushed you, almost made you feel worthless, and took away the meaning of your life. It can't be solely about your spouse. You have a life of your own and you should be capable of being happy even without her. I know...easier said than done. But you can start. Start by wiping that frown off your face and trying to be happy. Be natural around her. Don't act like your dog just died. Act as if everything is rosy between you (with the exception of trying to get physically affectionate). Be interested in her. Explore what she really wants from her future. Encourage her to work to become financially independent. Prop up her self-esteem with compliments. If you feel she is capable of much more, then tell her so, without pushing her towards anything. Take a moment to consider where she's coming from. She wants more...and you can either be a roadblock, or supportive of it. I'd suggest being the latter.
Last edited by Just_Me; 11/07/0710:20 PM.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for the advice. It's spot on. It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done because I feel crushed. However, the past two days I've really worked to be positive. I've been supportive and excited about her job search and about a class she wants to take. I'm helping to find a babysitter to watch the kids while she works and goes to this class.
We have had a couple of good talks about everything other than us (e.g., kids, a trip to Disneyworld coming up, etc). It's killing me not to ask her about the R, but I haven't and will continue to give her space. We were even laughing together last night. God, I love the sound of her laughter.
This morning I got another hug when I left. She is still calling me sweetie, honey and such but isn't saying I love you like she used to or kissing me (she slipped yesterday with an "I love you", but I think it was habbit). I'm acting the same way. Positive, but not saying I love you either. The hugs are freaking me out. Very confusing.
I think I thought her love was unconditional and acted that way. What a mistake. Now I am beginning to realize that no love is unconditional.
TR is right, never trying would be worse (big TR fan btw). Thanks to each of you for the support and honest advice.
