When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

Hey Jethro,

- In the past, has your H ever given you exactly what you needed to feel as though you've had a comfortable R?

In our 7+ year marriage we've had periods of years where I felt emotionally satisfied -- where our time together was a real pleasure.

Some things during those time periods DID feel lacking, though. It's a bit hard to deceipher whether it was a lack from H, a lack in me or a bit of both. Regardless, what DID feel missing during that time:

1. Belief that my H. would be faithful -- this onus is pretty squarely on me. I've mentioned before that I've always had this sense of doom and gloom of "my H. will cheat on me then leave". I had a lot of trust issues, insecurities, etc. 'course it ended up being one of those cycles -- the more I felt insecure and untrusting, the more H. became secretive, etc.

Anyway -- I own this one. This M. or next R. I need to let go of the insecurity and desire to control.

2. The sense that H. was a "partner" in the M. -- In all of the 7 years that we've been married, I've felt as though I had to take care of the "responsible" stuff -- bills, dealing with the house, food shopping, everything small to big. A lot of times it made me feel angry, put upon. I also felt as though it was a sign that he wasn't really "into" being married.

Now, the truth is, though, that I'm much more of a worrier than H. and I'm sure I spent a lot more time and energy on stuff then was necessary. No doubt that had a lot to do with H's reluctance to get involved. If I'm busy freaking out about the littlest thing...I also had a lot of fear and insecurity around financial matters and I think I did a number on H. in that regard -- lots of controlling behaviors, freaking out, etc. Of course, the flip side was that I felt as though I were the ONLY one giving it any thought so I kind of felt justified in being overwrought...

NOW, the sad, wonderful, scary, joyful, weird, ridiculous fact is that a few months ago (maybe 1-2 months), H. was doing everything that I described above and more. He had filled in ALL of the missing pieces -- he was taking responsibility for so many things around the house, seemed really present, had stepped into the roles that I had been hoping for for SO LONG. So, what was the problem???? Well, I just didn't feel closure from H's A. I didn't feel healed -- didn't feel as though I had had THE conversation that I needed to have with him (he may disagree but in the 5 months since I found out about the A., we have talked VERY little about it). So, even though H was doing all this AWESOME stuff, I still felt so sad and scared and upset -- was he stil seeing ow, was he happy with me, was he still thinking about D, etc. Should have focused on the actions...instead of seeking out the words.

I described it on someone elses thread as their being a hole in my bucket....H was pouring all kinds of wonderful things into the bucket but so much of it was pouring out because the hole hadn't been filled in yet -- it needed to be filled in my his words, some reassurances, etc.

We finally had that conversation and frankly, it may just be a coincidence, but H. is MUCH more reserved and distant now. He told me during the conversation that he had been "loving me as much as" he could and "it still wasn't enough".

- Is your H (again) giving you what you've previously felt satisfied with in the past, but you are unsatisfied with it because now that you've done lots of soul-searching, you know what you want?

No. I've pretty much always known what I've wanted. In my case, H. had really stepped up his efforts and through my soul-searching I realized that I HAD been expecting some things that weren't really fair to expect.

Let me add this, though....perhaps coincidentally, the wonderful H efforts seemed to stop when I approached him with my feelings, and words, and desire for reassurance from him that A. was over. I got a bit of a sense from him that he was frustrated with me that "5 months" after the fact, and with him trying so hard, that I just wasn't "over it". There's a part of me that feels angry about that -- partly because his expectation that 5 months was enough (I joked with my C. that it seemed to me that my healing should be allowed to last AT LEAST as long as their A. did) and partly because while H. WAS doing all these wonderful things, he had still REALLY rebelled against doing some things that I felt like I needed -- more talk about the A, more honesty around some areas of his life, etc.

So...the even longer version is that my soul-searching has actually helped me see the areas where I've been expecting TOO much. AND, I HAVE seen wonderful glimpses (more) of the M. that I want and the H. who is committed and present. I'd love to see him back again...

Sage