When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

Hi all,

Thanks for coming by over the weekend -- Acorn, I've been wondering where you've been! (Haven't seen any updates from you in a while!) Thanks for helping me rephrase my question...you're totally right that my wording has been WAY off.

Well, what a weekend. I think I felt every emotion known to man! Anger was a predominant theme...weird because it's been a while since I just felt so MAD. At having my life turned upside down, at H's affair, at our current struggles. I did a lot of blaming (well, inside my head). The really scary part is that more than once over the weekend, I thought "I don't think I can do this anymore" and really, really considered starting to make some plans to get out of this. Scary, scary stuff.

Then, the flip side...last night in bed...talking about baseball...H turn towards me, is so animated, so close and loving. I had to close my eyes and thank the heavens again and again for that moment -- for the times that we have been able to be together, for all the love that I was feeling.

This morning: a revelation....

When do I get stuck? When do I get mired? Why have I been so down, so angry, so hurt????

I get stuck when I assume that H. is NOT on my side. I get stuck when I think that he is purposefully trying to hurt me. I strike back against my ASSumptions. I withhold, I am angry, I feel justified in my anger.

WHAT could be the bigger F*&^ you than H's A???? What could convince me over and over and over again that he doesn't hold my safety in high regard? That he does not seek to protect me. Even worse? That he seeks to hurt me.

AND, today, yesterday, any time in the present, assuming that they are STILL in touch, still connected, well, if FEELS like a big old F*&^ YOU, SAGE, all over again. Because I ASSUME that he is trying to hurt me, confuse me, put me in jeopardy.

BUT, he isn't.

H is on my side. He is my friend. When I remember that, I feel joyful and loving. When I intrepret (arrgh) his actions with the filter of hate and hurt, I want to hurt back. I feel demoralized and depressed and unloved and unsafe.

I need to stop ASSuming. I need to stop interpreting. I need to remember that H. is on my side and loves me. I need to remember the best. I need to be his friend and let him be mine. I need to let go of my anger.

Sage