I am glad that you made it to the weekend, and whatever the outcome I believe that they give you invaluable tools for the the rest of your life! Its great that your H wants to do the dialogue, it does help! I don't have the ow fear anymore, and its very liberating. Because that was one of the big ones for me! You are going great!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
We have had three sessions of dialogue and H gets it going each night - we both are enjoying being able to express our true feelings and understanding each other.
But last night (after a couple of trick or treats - 12 oz) H was even more open and I think he feels comfortable enough to tell me he still wants to D - he is not 100% sure but he feels he will never be able to get his feelings back for me. H said he sees/appreciates all the changes I have made yet it has done nothing for his feelings for me, for us. I said I feel it's too soon and we should just continue with Retrovaille and take it day by day. H cannot really explain why he is unhappy and he's not sure leaving me will make him happy. Not sure what I should do next - getting real tired of being the only cheerleader in this R and always being the positive one.
I feel he has not forgiven himself in having the A and he is punishing himself by not opening up and letting his walls down - and letting me in...I so do not like this Alien in my bed...
I too like Limbo am just so so so tired and I deserve better...
Not a great day today - bummer!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Our H sound so similar, although does say he wants to leave, but does stupid things because of his guilt, when he did say he wanted to leave before it was because he felt he didn't deserve us, and wasn't a good example for the kids. I do think its a good idea to work through your retro post sessions at least and see what happens from there. He must want it to work on some level if he is so intent on doing the retro stuff.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
This is tough, HB. My question to him (if you feel it's safe to ask) is if he is committed. Feelings can be nurtured to grow, as long as he is committed. If he is willing to work on it, the feeling will be there eventually. Love is a choice as you two learnt over the weekend. That's how I feel. If my H is committed, then we can both work on the feelings, love, etc.
OTOH, may be he feels too pressured with all the talk and stuff? Would it be good to take a break from all the talking about R and feelings and just be good friends for a couple of days, even with each other just doing their own watching TV or whatever to give this thing a rest for a day or two? Sometimes I feel like I am (and H is ) too stressed (with work and other stuff) and we just need a break from it all. My H is very busy/stressed with work right now so I have not talked about R at all. Just my 2 cents.
Thanks OC - yeah I am not sure if even he knows if he is committed. He wants to attend the post session and see how we are after that. I think he needs to figure out WTH he wants out of his life...He is the one pressuring himself to make the decision - not me...
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
I'm sure you know this, but I will say it anyway. He shouldn't drink before doing the dialogues because it could be the alcohol talking. Just keep going with everything. They will talk about commitment as a decision at one of the Post sessions. Sounds like he's in a MLC and isn't making the most sense.
Well we went to our 1st post session and I finally am getting this dialogue thing. It's really about understand each others feelings and NOT trying to solve a problem. Me, the problem solver just wants to fix things now and that is not where we are at YET. Dialogue is letting us build trust and break down the walls we have we need to do this B4 we can truly start working on the issues...
Boy - it was like a big light bulb went on for me. I am more relaxed and now understand the goal for dialogue. I feel I need to slow down and truly get back to those baby steps...I have to get my H to believe in us again and I think that will only happen when he lets his guard down. H says he doubts my changes are for real and he's having a hard time accepting them. Well I need to prove him wrong. So the PMA gal is back in full swing!!
Happy Monday everyone! Remember change is good - if we are not changing then we are DEAD!! LOL!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
