Why can't I do this....

[houndfan]

DW and I have been seperated since 10/24 and it has been pure hell on me. I have both books, have had a session with Jerry, and have been trying. In addition, I have finally accepted that I need to be in intensive therapy for my own issues which I brought into the marriage.

She is resolute that it is over, that she wants to pursue with OM even though she may not be ready. This am she told me that she knew the day of our marriage that she was making a mistake because I had conned her into getting P with our first S. That is true, but I did love her/ I do love her.

She has been asking for a couple of weeks that I just let her go and accept that she is moving on with her life and that I need to come to an understanding of what that means with new goals and relationships etc. We had a really nice talk this morning, but of course I asked way too many questions.

She called me about an hr ago to tell me that I am not allowed to ask her personal questions any longer and that her life away from the kids is her life as long as she is not hurting them.

I can understand where she is coming from having been married to a liar, cheat, thief all these years. But, I feel like I am making strides in IC, my journey to find some inner peace and I want to stand from the roof tops and shout it out.

I keep finding myself drawn into the R/M conversations when with her. I keep longing for her when I see her. Longing to feel her touch again, to kiss her lips, to hold her. I keep doing everything wrong.

It has been textbook thus far with her, she has said so much to hurt me. She has pushed away so much. I too have been textbook begging, crying, pleading. In fact she asked me this morning to give her some time before we discuss the R again because she can not stand the mess that I am and that she feels as though I am manipulating every conversation.

So, please tell me. What have some of you done to follow the DB program. How do you make it work day in and out. Where do you find your hope that there will be a R?

I have been praying so much for this personal recovery and hte Lord has put me in a good place with great support. But, the one that I want the most to be there is a million miles away confiding in another man.

How do I keep myself together for the kids?

Help me please...

[cat03]

There is always hope, she can't believe you just yet, it is all too fresh. She has only the past years to look at, the bad history. IT will take time and true 180s from you for her to begin to believe you have changed, 7yrs is a long time, so of course she'll be wary of your new changes. Keep them up. You know that pleading and begging aren't the way. Don't call her nor hound her constantly. Do tell her when you get a chance that you DO agree that she needs time to herself, it will make a difference in her eyes, she won't feel accosted anymore.

No more R talk, unless she agrees to go to a marriage councelor, have you suggested that? I'm very glad you are doing C on your own, that is excellent.

It is very hard, the first months, when it all seems hopeless. Your w won't listen to reason any time soon, so you have to be very very patient and give her lots of time.
Don't let your kids see you upset, it is a big adjustment to them, make sure you try to spend time w them and constantly tell them you love them, specially the oldest one who most likely can guess what's going on.

[houndfan]

I have suggested an MC and she has said that she would only go to facilitate the D and the communication about the D. Should I still schedule? If so, is it possible to find an MC that is marriage friendly? She is sooooo negative right now and nothing seems to change her thoughts that I am a POS and worthless. In fact I am certain that if we did not have kids that she would be gone without a trace right now....

[cat03]

I'm pretty sure my first MC session was just so H can say he went (he got a lawyer inmediatly after he left after he learned he could be in deep sh*t for abandoning the home).
You don't loose anything by setting up an appointment, do it. My H was angry with me for the first 2months after he left, somedays he'd barely look at me and told me our M was a cover up and that he was never really happy.

Yes, it posible, before you make the appt do ask if they are pro marriage because that's what you are looking for.

STAY strong, it looks hopeless to you now, I know, but there is hope.

[braveheart]

You have 2 choices, move on and forget it, or get ready for a ride from hell! No quick fixes here, if you stand, it will take YEARS. No guarantees on success, I don't mean to be curt, but its the truth. Read on here and you will see. I wish you the best no matter what you decide.

[houndfan]

I understand that there are 2 choices to make, but they are both so hard to understand and realize.

Yesterday was very interesting with DW and again it has me thinking that there is a possibility if I continue to work on me and my own happiness.

Long story short, and I would appreciate some feedback. She told me yesterday am about her plans with the OM and dating and moving on with her life. She was absolute that I was not a part of her vision. After the convo she called me at work very mad at me and told me that I am not allowed to inquire about her personal life and that what she does away from the kids is her biz.

Fastforward to the afternoon and she calls because she has to work last night and wants to make sure that I can help with a sitter and have the kids w me for the evening. I explain that I could do both and she got mad because she feels that I should not have to help her out.

Well, I pick up the kids and take them back to the house and watch a movie with them. It was too hard for me to be in the house that I have shared with her all these years and see my kids. I was suppose to stay and sleep on the couch, but I decided it best to take the kids back to where I had been staying for the night and have them with me. Left a note for DW that I had done so and that I would make sure that they get off to school etc.

Well, she called me on her way home from her party and told me that the money I had given her in the morning for gas was not enough to get her home and that since our acct was overdrawn due to the financial stress of the seperation she may not make it home. We discuss this for a while and I think that she was blaming me, without saying it. Anyhow, she was able to stop and get some fuel.

Then she calls later to tell me that she had been pulled over for speeding but got only a warning and told me that her life is out of control. She is a magnate for toxic people and she just needs to rid her life of them. I ask whom, of course I was #1 on the list, so was OM, her best friend, her parents, etc. I was really struggling with the comments but know that I am doing what I can to support her whist still DB'ing to the best of my ability.

Well, she gets home and is super PO'd because the dog pooped in our/her room and she called me screaming that I wonder why I am single, if I could just do things right I would not be. She tells me that she is so over everything and that it was so irresponsible of me to take the kids without discussing with her. That I had committed that I would sleep on the couch and keep the kids home. That I was a POS. I told her that I was sorry that she was so upset and that I would be better at communicating my needs in the future.

This morning I stop in to get little one ready for Pre-k and she comes to the door, she had been crying as I could see the tear marks on her face and her eyes were just so sad. She was standing next to me in an odd sort of way, so I opened my arms and she stepped in for a hug. I held her for a few moments and then she backed away. I went into the kitchen ot make some coffee so I could get my day started and could tell that she was really depressed. She asked if I would rub her shoulders, which I did for a few moments and then stopped. We did not really talk about anything. I got a call a few minutes later for some work stuff and basically did not speak to her until....

About an hour ago I got a call from her telling me that her car was acting up again and that it was time to get a new car. She told me that since she is just getting started withher business that she would do what she could to make the payment until she was on her feet. Once she was, she would take my name off of the car. I tried to ask her for some time to process this and see what I could do with my job to make this happen. As I had mentioned to her that we have not seen too much income from her job she lost it and accused me again of trying to manipulate the situation. She was so angry screaming at me, I could not honestly understand what she was saying to me. I kept trying to interject that I would do what I can to get a new vehicle for my family she would hear none of it.

These situations are so hard to deal with, as much as I would like to do LRT I can not because the financial dynamic creeps through the convos. I can imagine leaving her or the boys to struggle, yet I wonder again why she should expect the benefits of a marriage while she so openly wants to leave it and pursue other relationships. She keeps telling me that after all she has given to the family as a stay at home mom and for me tricking her to get pregnant and all the shady things that I have done over the years that I need to suck it up at this point and do what needs to be done to care for her.

So, I thought that we might be making some progress, but we continue to slip by. I am doing my best to DB, but again keep getting roped into some of these convos that I can not really back out of...

I will remain committed to my wife and family and hopefully we will weather this storm and make it as a unit through the help of DB etc. I understand the commitment in time, but darn is it tough when faced with these continuous convos about how I should be more involved.....

[cat03]

at this point and do what needs to be done to care for her.
===================
oh please! big BS. She made her bed she'll have to lay on it. Do not come to her rescue.

Huge MLCer if I've seen one, all the outbursts, confusion, anger. It seems you are the one who had to leave the home right? you've given in enough, she should've left if she wanted a separation, not you. I wouldnt' sign any contract with her (new car) she is one volatile person, you actually were trying to talk with her about helping with the car and she wouldnt' let you. She needs to learn what it is to be separated, do give her what you have to for child support, the rest lays on her hands.
Do not come to her rescue nor make things easy for her, if she wants you as a sitter while she goes out partying you shouldn't have to do it.

She is pushing your buttons big time and I give you credit for controlling yourself, refuse to fall into her emotional tornados, if the convo is deteriorating then call a time out, tell her you'll talk later when she calms down, no use talking to a maniac.
I have fallen like that, (regretably) once I get going, even as I see I am wrong there is no stoping, no making sence.

Hope you have a MC scheduled, it should help you both.

[houndfan]

I feel beaten again. Just spoke with DW about this car sitch and it was so depressing. Of course, I just tried to ask some questions as to what she thinks we can afford, what she would like etc. And the money thing and how it relates to her being single when we move came up. She will make x/hr and I will pay x for CS, she will need to work x and have her side job. She thinks it will be better for us financially.

She is sold on every aspect of this D from front to back. I feel so defeated.

[braveheart]

Houndfan, I hate to sound negative to you, but I just want you to understand what you are going to be dealing with here. My friend, you are just now getting started. She is going to blame you for EVERYTHING that happens to her. You must understand that in her mind everything that is bad for her is your fault. Is that true? No, it certainly is not, but you have to understand that in the mind of the MLCer, someone has to be blamed for her unhappiness, guess what, its you! Nothing you do or say is going to change that. The only thing you can do is let her go and let her discover that she is the one with the problem. Will she ever realize this? Eventually she will. Will she come back afterwards? That remians to be seen, but understand that many do not, I cannot explain why, I think its a pride thing, and that is true in most situations when people are wrong, most won't admit it regardless of what suffering they have to go through. My advice to you is to detach from her, unless you do, you will be sucked into this drama and it will only get worse. Prepare yourself for her trying to make you stay around and wait for her, she will make vauge comments about things working out for you guys in the future or that things won't succeed with the OM. This is all a ploy to keep you having hope, as you are her safety net. Its tough man, just read some of these postings here and you will see.

[houndfan]

Well, I don't expect that she will provide any comments at all regarding hope. She is absolute that this D is a done deal, although she will not file because she still needs some of the benefits of this marriage (insurance/relocation).

I am doing everything that I can to let her go and provide space, however, I am still the one she calls on for anything be it dog food, or something for the kids, or money. It is killing me. This morning she called me about 4 times and I let the calls roll to VM as I have been very busy, when I finally called her back she was PO'd because I had not answered her calls. She said what if the kids were hurt or sick or something, when I knew all along that she wanted to talk about my paycheck.

So I am trying to give her the space that she wants, but she keeps pulling me in. I really wish there was something that I could do to change this, I really miss my kids so much and I miss the little intimate moments that she and I used to share.

While I have contributed to the breakdown of this marriage, this all really came out of the blue and now she is so absolute about her decisions. She has it all worked out in her head as to what I should do to make up for my behavior, and I am afraid to stand up for myself for fear that she will use my kids as pawns, although I do not believe that she would ever do that.

I am sick with the thought that she won't at least try something to work on this. Even if that means to work on it until we go back to our home state in a few months. I just don't feel like she has thought this out and she is giving up. I miss my family so much and yet I am just a few doors away.