When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

OK one clarification before all you DB'ers jump all over me !

"put my foot down" was pre-DB and IS a controlling statement and IS likely to lead to secrecy and lies and IS anti-DBing. I honestly don't know what I'd do today if faced with the same situation.

If ow isn't going, why not make that clear. If ow is, well, we've gotta cross that bridge sometime, no?

can't control the sitch so stop thinking about it.
Sage

[lostlove]

If ow isn't going, why not make that clear. If ow is, well, we've gotta cross that bridge sometime, no?

perhaps it is just a case of h isn't thinking of ow anymore and therefore the thought never crossed his mind to mention it to you...plus if he did mention it/her to you and you hadn't been thinking about it/her then he would be opening a wound??

I dunno???

LL

[Jeannine]

Sage,

Tis human to give a rat's a$$.

While you're busy cutting your husband so much slack, how about cutting yourself a little.

I think you have been an outstanding DBr.

Catch you later,
Jeannine

[Caz]

Sage, stopped by to say Hi. Hope Saturday was a good day for you. I wish you success and I'm proud that you have come so far.

Sage, I posted a new thread. Do you know how to link my old thread with it? The old title depressed me. New post starts out Left behind??? Thanks very much. Caz

[sage]

Hey all,

Sorry I've been awol this weekend -- just riding the rollercoaster One minute H. is toasting my "magnificance" and an hour later he's not speaking to me because I said "are you all right?" to him (I think I've mentioned before that questions don't go well with him -- got the half stony stare yesterday when I asked him what he did during the afternoon when I was out....the "all right" question seems judging, controlling, interpreting, whatever, I guess)

Gotta say, I'm not thrilled that ANGRY-H has resurfaced. I actually love when he tells me that he's angry or upset with me about something (since that's not usual for him) but the tacit "I'm pissed off at you for something" thing I could do without. Far too reminiscent of his behavior during the throes of A -- in fact, if I were a betting woman, I'd say that ow has resurfaced in one way or another. But, I'm not and don't feel like spending any time in that tunnel anyway.

I promise to check in on all you guys but I won't really have time to post until tomorrow AM.

Sage

[Caz]

Hang in there sage. Remember to give him space and do something for you that will feel good. Hope the sun is shining where you are at, that should lift your spirits.

Caz

[Acorn]

an hour later he's not speaking to me because I said "are you all right?" to him (I think I've mentioned before that questions don't go well with him -- got the half stony stare yesterday when I asked him what he did during the afternoon when I was out....the "all right" question seems judging, controlling, interpreting, whatever, I guess)

Hey Sage,

Sounds like you've identified another cheeseless tunnel. You aren't his mood police after all I know your curiosity gets you going, but have you tried a different approach? Reporting you feelings perhaps?
"I feel as though I'm sensing tension from you? Is that just me?"

Don't know if it would make a difference, but it sounds less judging/controlling to my ear...

You are doing great,
Acorn

[sage]

Hi all,

Thanks for coming by over the weekend -- Acorn, I've been wondering where you've been! (Haven't seen any updates from you in a while!) Thanks for helping me rephrase my question...you're totally right that my wording has been WAY off.

Well, what a weekend. I think I felt every emotion known to man! Anger was a predominant theme...weird because it's been a while since I just felt so MAD. At having my life turned upside down, at H's affair, at our current struggles. I did a lot of blaming (well, inside my head). The really scary part is that more than once over the weekend, I thought "I don't think I can do this anymore" and really, really considered starting to make some plans to get out of this. Scary, scary stuff.

Then, the flip side...last night in bed...talking about baseball...H turn towards me, is so animated, so close and loving. I had to close my eyes and thank the heavens again and again for that moment -- for the times that we have been able to be together, for all the love that I was feeling.

This morning: a revelation....

When do I get stuck? When do I get mired? Why have I been so down, so angry, so hurt????

I get stuck when I assume that H. is NOT on my side. I get stuck when I think that he is purposefully trying to hurt me. I strike back against my ASSumptions. I withhold, I am angry, I feel justified in my anger.

WHAT could be the bigger F*&^ you than H's A???? What could convince me over and over and over again that he doesn't hold my safety in high regard? That he does not seek to protect me. Even worse? That he seeks to hurt me.

AND, today, yesterday, any time in the present, assuming that they are STILL in touch, still connected, well, if FEELS like a big old F*&^ YOU, SAGE, all over again. Because I ASSUME that he is trying to hurt me, confuse me, put me in jeopardy.

BUT, he isn't.

H is on my side. He is my friend. When I remember that, I feel joyful and loving. When I intrepret (arrgh) his actions with the filter of hate and hurt, I want to hurt back. I feel demoralized and depressed and unloved and unsafe.

I need to stop ASSuming. I need to stop interpreting. I need to remember that H. is on my side and loves me. I need to remember the best. I need to be his friend and let him be mine. I need to let go of my anger.

Sage

[sage]

What a day. I've started this post a few times but keep blowing it off...not sure why.

No early morning phone call from H. My early email went unanswered until about 11am. The phone contact we had was "semi-angy-H" and "as-if-sage". I really feel like we've taken a bunch of steps backwards over the last few weeks...sometimes things are GOOD and sometimes they just seem so crappy. I guess I didn't know how good I had it when it WAS going well and I was still mired in self-doubts and doubts about ow. Fact is, I'm right back there. H's anger and distance and lack of physical affection towards me is kind of freaking me out a bit. Blah.

So...I'm screwing my DB cap back on. Pulled out the KLA tapes, started working on the workbook. We pulled this out of the muck once, can do it again.

I have to admit that I am STUCK in some old anger -- that ow is somehow getting off here scott free. I want to see her (haven't since pre-bomb) and just look her in the eye. I want to should it from the rooftops. I want to make her pay. None of this is fruitful, I know, and none will come to fruition. I just find myself back in anger mode -- maybe because things feel hard again.

What are my goals?

1. H will hug me in bed in the AM
2. H will initiate a date with me

We're off to dinner tonight -- got my best face on.

Sage

[jethro]

Oooo...Sage, you're sounding just like me these last couple of days! What's the deal here with our Ses? Or, perhaps, with us?

I have a couple questions for you which interest me for both of our situations:
- In the past, has your H ever given you exactly what you needed to feel as though you've had a comfortable R?
- Is your H (again) giving you what you've previously felt satisfied with in the past, but you are unsatisfied with it because now that you've done lots of soul-searching, you know what you want?

Just curious...

jethro