WAW hasn't walked yet, but emotionally dead

[mako]

Thanks for the comments Sandi. It's great to hear the point of view of the other side.

You're right, I am just what you described about your H. I was always prone to cutting off my emotions, and can see how this made my W desperate and lonely for a long time, of course she couldn't deal with that and had to do something. It's so unfortunate that I never saw this until now...finally I see that this can be crucial to loving and fulfilling relationships. So this is the major thing I need to do now to work on me. I'm making a real effort to try opening up, to share my feelings with her and show her affection. I would give anything to just show her every day how much I love her. But I also know that she's been lonely for so long, she's made up her mind now and can't just turn the switch back on, and it will take time, if ever, before she ever can.

But I also realize as you say that I am still young, and even if it doesn't work out with W I will probably have other chances. That is why I am determined now to improve myself. I messed up this time, but I don't plan to make the same mistakes again. Whether my future relationships involve W or not, I will be more prepared to make the emotional connection.

So right now I am just slowly taking steps. W has noticed; she mentioned today how we both seem to have good and bad days, but that lately I have seemed to just have good days. So I just talk to her more about everything (except the R), just to share, and maybe she might eventually start to feel more connected. She is still determined to leave, but if she leaves on good terms and we remain friendly then anything can happen.

I am also trying to be slightly affectionate, but that is hard. Hugging would be too much, but just maybe something as simple as touching her on the arm when we talk would be good...but even that I don't think she's very responsive to right now. And she loves hikes or walks, but she's not so receptive to doing those kinds of things with me either (I offered to go with her to walk the dog the other day but she declined). She still needs time...

I do also fear moving on too quickly, as you alluded to, overdoing the GAL. I don't want her to doubt her decision, but then say "He's moved on, so forget it," or resent it by saying "This was so easy for him, yet he couldn't do it when I was willing to try?" It's a fine line to walk. One thing though is that for our whole marriage I was working full time and going to grad school at night. I had no life at all. Now I've graduated and have much more time to GAL, so that is part of it. She knows this of course, although she still might resent that I am doing all of this GAL now and didn't appear to make the effort to before.

So, right now all I can do is improve myself, keep an open mind to what W is doing, and try to be a friend to her. And just be patient; I know it took her more than two weeks to make this decision, it will take more than two weeks to consider reversing it. But maybe after she has some time to figure herself out, and to see that my changes really might be genuine, she will want to try again.