new here. Feel like dying

[cat03]

My husband just moved out Monday night.

h called me to ask if I'd told d4 yet. I told him no, and he got really mad, "you're just waiting for me to do it aren't you?" I told him no. I suggested we tell her together, and he said, "Oh, that would make it easier on you, wouldn't it."

OK, HE has to do it, not you. When my H left I agonized about telling our d7 that dad would be away (after the first few weeks we figured we just couldn't get away with "dad went to stay at a friend's) I asked my C, and she said "he has to do it, he's the one who left, your R with your child is fine, you are with him, your H has a separate R with your child and it is his responsibility to tell him, he has to face with what he has done."

At the beginning I was afraid of how H would say it and freeted, I could tell he was not looking forward to it either because he asked in bewilderment "you want me to do it? ok fine, I'll do it" in a tone of "I might somethin wrong..." but I let him do it, he was the one who left he'd have to tell his son why. Of course he didn't tell him the whole truth but he did it.

Your d4 doesn't have to know much, just that dad will be away for a while, they adjust pretty good amazingly.

I do think your H is a control freak and that if your psy doesn't think you need meds then you prob dont' need meds, maybe some therapy to deal with this mess.

[ms ladybug]

I had the full eval from the psychiatrist. Yes, I was honest when I answered all his questions. His exact words were, "you don't have depression. You're not happy, specifically with your marriage, but you certainly don't have depression. Medications aren't going to help you. You need marriage counseling." He said there are 8 signs of depression and I don't have any. He said if he had to choose one, it would be that I'm tired a lot. BUT, with a full-time job, two kids, and a baby that doesn't sleep through the night, he could expect that I'd be a tired person. He did also suggest that I do something for myself (exercise, or yoga or something). I did that. I joined weight watchers and lost 20#.

I NEVER said, "there's nothing wrong with me". I KNOW I contributed to our marriage problems. I KNOW I disrepected my husband and discounted his opinions about (almost) everything. I put my kids before him (which I still struggle with this thought...because they're only kids...they need me to help them). I can only work on myself. H coming back and saying, "nothing's changed" was completely unfair. Of course, nothing's changed. It's too soon, but I'm trying.
Now, if I can get my temper in check and not REACT to every hurtful thing he sends my way...

Dom R, as much as I hate reading your replys, I appreciate and value your input.

[Dom R]

I'm glad you take my replies in the spirit they are intended

I hope that your joint session with T and H goes well, for both of you

[ms ladybug]

Well, after not hearing from h for a couple days, he called me last night. He told me that I hadn't replied to his email and he needs to know if I'm going to agree with his conditions or not. I told him that I was trying to show him that I'm doing what he asked (going to counseling, scheduled an appt with pschiatrist for eval, etc...). He said what about the rest of it. Would I be willing to move to TN?
I told him I'd look into it with more of an open-mind. (I HATE the idea of moving to TN. We went last summer to look and I didn't like it, and don't want to move away from where ALL of our family is!). I told him there was no way I'd go to TN with a crappy marriage. But with mutual love and respect, I'd follow him to Timbuktoo. He said he didn't think I'd have an open-mind, then had to get off the phone (he was at work). He called me again at midnight, but I was asleep, so he let me go.

My MC thinks that I should also write out my conditions (although she didn't like the word "conditions"). I told her I didn't think I was in a position to do that. She said, "what have you got to lose? He's already gone." I didn't get good vibes from her and she even recommended we find another therapist (to get a second opinion). I think she's fed up with us.

So, should I also give "conditions"? Like, agree to a Bible study with me, agree to continue marriage counseling (either with our current MC, or hopefully with a new one who specializes in cop's families)?
I don't know if that'll make him angry and push him further away, but I kinda feel like I need changes made as well.
What do I say about TN? He knows how I feel about it. I DON'T want to go and cannot go live somewhere where I don't know anyone, have no family, and a crappy marriage.

Any advice? Harsh or otherwise?

[fish]

Ladybug - My WAW (actually, she had me leave) comes up with this crap all the time... move here, move there... it's all bullsh*t.

Don't fall into the trap.

If he brings up TN, just say, "it's an option." Be very non-committal.

All of these types are VERY unhappy. They think that moving will solve problems - forget it. They are afraid to face the monster inside.

[ms ladybug]

We moved about a year after we got married to TX, for all of 6mos before that fell through.
He really does see moving as making it all better. He thinks he'll be happier in a different job, or a different state. He's always changing his mind about his career and always brings up other things he wants to do (become a nurse, PA, detective, organ harvestor, work at the airport, at the college, undercover, etc...). I told him that he will never be happy no matter what he does, because he's an unhappy person to begin with. (I guess that wasn't nice, that was months ago, before the sep. I'm much nicer now).
I don't think he'll take me being non-committal. His email was pretty clear that I need to agree to go to TN. I posted a copy of his email a page or so back in this thread.

[ms ladybug]

I haven't send this yet, but would like some input.
First please read his email to me, a couple pages back.
Here's my reply. I'll totally scrap it if it's not good...

J,
I’ve read and re-read your e-mail regarding your “conditions”. I guess I keep reading it in the hopes that I’ll find a shred of emotion in it. It says nothing about where your heart is in the situation. It’s strictly business.

I’m sorry you made Tennessee a “condition” for reconciling our marriage. A non-negotiable conditions as well. I don’t think anything in marriage should be non-negotiable. Tennessee was one of the things I would have negotiated on too. Our marriage coming first, before talks of moving, then getting our ducks in a row academically and financially before moving.

The thing is, if we had a marriage centered on God, with mutual love and respect, I’d follow you to Timbuktu. However, you’re asking me to make a decision based on the marriage that we currently have. I would love to take the time to grow in our marriage, and learn to make Christ the center. To pray together, laugh together, and mutually love and respect each other…only then can I make a decision to move.

Again, I’m sorry that you made this a condition for reconciliation. But I can’t commit to this before we commit to us.

[Dom R]

ladybug:

I think your letter is just going to reinforce his feelings of, "she's not willing to work on our marriage, I'm done".

All you're doing with that letter is saying "no" to him, basically.

How about you write up something.... not a "list of conditions", but what constitutes a "good marriage", in your eyes.

I think you are in emotional, "big picture" mode, and he's in male "task list" mode. If you want to have a good conversation with him on this, you need to adjust to his mode, rather than expect him to understand yours.

you wrote, " pray together, laugh together, and mutually love and respect each oth"

To you, maybe that says what you think he needs to know, and what you want/expect from him.
To a man... it says nothing. It seems impossible. Because there are no specifics.
No specific goals == impossible task to complete.

So, to reiterate: i think that you need to write up, in detail, what a good marriage would look like to you.
Then say, "if you will commit to THIS, then I will commit to moving with you".

advanced warning: If you say "I'll wait and see if you measure up, and then i'll 'consider' moving", I think he will see that as an attempt to get what you want, without any commitment to give him what he wants.

So, make sure that what you write up, is what you REALLY WANT.. to the level that if you get it, you will then be able to unreservedly move with him, like you claim you will, if your marriage was only "good enough".


PS: If you find yourself lost on specifics, ONE possible place to start, would be the "guidelines for a good marriage" (or something like that), at marriagebuilders.com

[ms ladybug]

Thanks.
I don't want it to seem like I'm saying "no" to him, but I really want him to see how unrealistic it is of him to make me commit to something like this, with our marriage as crappy as it is. Makes NO sense to me that this would even be an option, much less a "condition".

Off to check out the guidelines at marriagebuilders....

[ms ladybug]

OK, couldn't find it at marriagebuilders.

What if I keep my letter as is, but add this at the end...


J,
I’ve read and re-read your e-mail regarding your “conditions”. I guess I keep reading it in the hopes that I’ll find a shred of emotion in it. It says nothing about where your heart is in the situation. It’s strictly business.

I’m sorry you made Tennessee a “condition” for reconciling our marriage. A non-negotiable condition as well. I don’t think anything in marriage should be non-negotiable. Tennessee was one of the things I would have negotiated on too. Our marriage coming first, before talks of moving, then getting our ducks in a row academically and financially before moving.

The thing is, if we had a marriage centered on God, with mutual love and respect, I’d follow you to Timbuktu. However, you’re asking me to make a decision based on the marriage that we currently have. I would love to take the time to grow in our marriage, and learn to make Christ the center. To pray together, laugh together, and mutually love and respect each other…only then can I make a decision to move.

I know that you provide for me and the kids, you always have, but I need to be loved in a certain way. I need to know that I’m safe with you and that your love for me is unconditional. The same way I need to show you that my respect for you is unconditional. We need a safe haven where we can both share our views and listen to each other, regardless of the topic (Tennessee, public school, career choices, etc…). We can mutually negotiate through anything.

Other changes I’d want to see:

Admiting when we’re selfish (yes, that’s me.)
Active and satisfying sex life
A Bible study between the two of us. (there’s lots of marriage-builder studies that we can do).
Pray together

Again, I’m sorry that you made Tennessee a condition for reconciliation. But I can’t commit to this before we commit to us.



I think the active sex life would be enough for me h to come running home.