When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

Not sure this post is gonna make sense to anyone but me...but thought I'd capture the event anyway!

Trudged into work this morning feeling a bit sad. Last night was good -- got my haircut, got some chinese food. Got home and H said some good stuff (but no compliment about my awesome haircut! rats!). Held hands a bit while watching tv, etc.

Still have this undercurrent that something's wrong, though. Is it his back? His stomach? Something else? Me? Feeling down made me feel even MORE down -- wouldn't his response be "what more do I have to do to make you happy? You'll never be happy." Is that true? Thinking about it made me sad. Felt broken, wished for a time when I felt OK in my own skin, not like someone who wishes her heart could mend. Dragged myself even further down wondering if there IS something wrong with me -- (well, beyond the things I post about!). Wondered if a new relationship was the way to go. Wondered if I'd just carry the same old crap there. Wondered if anyone would ever find me attractive, want to date me, want to marry me.

Came in and read shiny's thread. Then Teach. Then this morning LL captured SO many of my thoughts.

H. called. Had an ok conversation but halfway through was back to feeling sorry for myself. What is bothering him? Why does he seem so distant? Or is it me? Why can't I be back in an R. where things didn't feel so conflicted? We WERE that way once tho' it's been more than a year.

THEN, I had to call H. for some info. He picked up the phone in a rush and when I asked what was up he said somewhat sourly "I was bringing the groceries in and I HAD to run upstairs to pick up the phone". Light goes off, mood lightens. No you didn't. You didn't HAVE to run upstairs to pick up the phone. You chose to. Be grumpy about it if you want but it's your own choice.

Just like it's my choice. I don't know why but his irritation over something that he chose to do just unblocked me. I don't own his distance -- I own mine. I don't own his feelings -- I own mine. I don't own his views or commitment to our M. I own mine.

What do I want? I want to feel and be strong, to feel and be happy, to feel and be loved and loving. I own that too.

I'm not saying all my fears have evaporated. I'm just saying that it was a kick in the pants. H. can have "itchy butt" -- so can I -- there's no rules around how I "have to feel". Frankly, today I'm choosing to feel good about me.

Sage