So, apparently, I built up a cliffhanger and left you guys wondering...like a bad soap opera...haha! I'm glad there is at least some entertainment value here.
I'm kidding. Obviously, I am in a much better mood.
So...synopsis...
xh had been pushing to know what was wrong the last several days. I agree, it was unfair of me to withdraw without explanation. (Side note: it does give me some insight into how he felt, the different times that he has pulled back.) So, he had asked me to take the kiddo to his place last night.
When I got there after work, I was still in heavy avoidance mode. After nursing the kid, I just wanted to bolt and go home. xh kept insisting we needed to talk. (Interestingly, years before, I used to be the one to push and push for resolution. Maybe I have flipped too far the other direction...?)
He finally convinced me to talk. I basically told him what was in the letter, although not as well. Mentioning JD is a hot point for him; I could tell he was getting worked up. The one huge positive over the last year: we don't always spin out of control on these convos. While I was talking, I would point out that he asked my feelings, so I am telling them to him, when he would interrupt with explanations. We also try to take turns. The key is also to not belittle the other person's feelings...or try to change them...he is entitled to them, as am I.
So, what he basically told me (since you all know my side):
- He still doesn't get why I think he and I were playing M, or why I think he and JD are in an R. When I told him maybe he was lying to himself, he agreed that he may be in denial. (No sarcasm or anything here. I think I gave him something to think about.) He made one excellent point...he said if he was in denial, then that was for him to figure out.
- He (genuinely) apologized for hurting me or giving me mixed signals.
- He pointed out (correctly) that he had been saying we both needed to be more careful with our boundaries lately.
- The baby is absolutely his priority, and he still wants to spend as much time with him as possible. He views me withholding my key as my trying to 'control' his access to the kid. When I told him that he had no right to demand it, and that I would never hold his kid from him, he pointed out that sometimes you never know what people will do until they do it. (True. I think this is just his big fat fear coming out.)
- He feels he was totally up front with me. He does discuss with me his FF's MN and MY--neither of which he wants to date, and has been trying to sort how to maintain appropriate boundaries with them. I have met them, and I do not feel he is 'hiding' either side in this case. (My problem has been solely around JD, not anyone else.) He does, indeed, specifically ask my advice on how to do this.
- He feels he is still too cloudy to make any decisions on any sort of R. He said he is still open to us becoming involved again, but he's still not done with his crisis. (I am okay with this. Really. I want him to be happy, ultimately. I just also don't want to feel used.)
- When I told him it basically boiled to that I was afraid he was sleeping with both of us, or that I find it patently gross to tell one woman "ILY, I want to be with you" while fooling around with another...he commented (vehemently) "I won't make that mistake again." I believe he was alluding to xow. I also still stand by my "I'm not stupid" approach...
It was not a bad talk. Actually, it was briefer than my description sounds. I think he read my letter, but I don't know. We haven't discussed it.
I am immensely glad I did this. I have no anxiety about telling him my stance. We are chatting very nicely today, so I think we've both dropped it.
So...things I need to consider...
At some point, I want to ask "What in the world do you think an M or an R is if it's not what you're doing with either JD or myself???" I mentioned it this morning, but he didn't have time to talk, and that's fine. I know xh has been working through that he had incredibly unrealistic expectations in the past, and he has admitted he just "doesn't know" when an R is supposed to be done. He thinks (thought?) little bumps meant the end. (His description, not mine.) He was going to group counseling for that.
I also think this whole debacle partially came up because I tried pushing a little. (Experiment and monitor...) It also waaaay raised my expectations. Clearly, not a good idea. haha. Anyway, while I was set off by his insensitive comment over the weekend, I have noticed I am more likely to snoop when I get closer to him--and then feel scared about it. This whole JD thing is not new information. I think his "maybe I have been with other people" comment just infuriated me over the weekend. (We did discuss that one rationally, at the time.)
While I did use the 24 hour measure (when did it get doubled to 48??), I realize that I was allowing my anger to run away with me to a degree. I want to work on making sure I don't go overboard on the withdrawing just because I'm PO'd. Doing so doesn't jive with my whole unconditional friendship goals.
So...I still want to hold off on the sex thing. Ick ick ick. But I think I'm okay with the being friends and hanging out. I was able to stay detached when we were just acting like really good friends. It doesn't change my feelings, obviously, but I wasn't so worried about what he was up to.
Other thoughts...xh and I communicate so much better than we used to. I am incredibly impressed with how well he manages these arguments now. We still have the occasional nasty one, but for the most part, even when we're both worked up, we can get through it.
Another thought. I have been wondering what I could do different, on a larger scale, than I had in the past. After digging through my head, I recall starting to feel suspicious about xow before the big blow up. (This was, oh, back in 2003.) I recall wanting to tell him he couldn't hang out with her anymore, but deciding not to because I figured it would backfire. (She was his 'best friend', he'd 'never felt closer to anyone', she was 'just like him', blah blah blah.) It was before I found DB. Anyway, I said absolutely nothing at the time.
So...I told xh how I see his 'friendship' with JD. Now, no need to brow beat him with it. Mostly, I just want him to understand what he's doing. He's a big boy and can make decisions beyond that. I get the genuine impression that it hasn't quite clicked in his head yet. I trust my gut on reading him.
I'm glad there is at least some entertainment value here. 
I think he read my letter, but I don't know. We haven't discussed it.
