When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

Just wanted to post a couple of things I read on other threads as a reminder to myself...

20% of "us" give up the first time we get winded. We can't tolerate the ebb and flow of emotions.

Not sure of the stat but given where I was yesterday, I know this feeling. I forgot to keep the end goal in mind which is rebuilding my M.

And, on a related note: Someone wise wrote that they get excited when they see folks doing things (DB'ing?) despite the fear.

THIS is where I end up...afraid that my efforts are wasted or worse, afraid that I'm going to be the best DB'er in the world, give myself to my M. wholeheartedly and it's still gonna collapse -- so I retreat in fear when I encounter resistance (either his or mine). Again, a lot of what happened yesterday.

So, how'd I do? I made it through without "losing it" -- got back on the DB horse and all.

Of course, I did it through some pretty intense sadness and I will too dependent on the fact that H. "came around". Still have some detachment work to do!

Sage

[hoping]

Hi Sage..just breezed through your psots..but the last one hit home..I too last night wondered where is it all going..so many emotions from day to day..but stepping back and sorting things out help..you have been doing great work..especially on yourself..and that is 99% of what we need to foccus on in order to be able to have a new m with our spouses..

Sue

[sage]

Hey all -- Just a quick recap of the weekend.

Saturday H. was gone all day as it was his first weekend in the Guard. He got home around 6pm, was totally wiped, but asked "will you take me out to dinner?" We went out for indian food -- had a nice time, talked, relaxed, all good stuff. Got home early, watched a bit of tv then went to bed early.

Yesterday he was out the door before 7am (more Guard!). I slept late (procrastinating on my paper) then finally got up, wrote some of the paper, did a few errands, a little cleaning, etc. He got home fairly early and relaxed while I went to get food at the supermarket. We cooked a very simple but delicious meal and watched tv.

Things seem much more relaxed at home than they have the last few weeks. I'm feeling better and I hope that H. is too. He DID have a stressful weekend with the Guard and all.

He said some good stuff over the weekend -- told me I was "so beautiful" yesterday, said "I love you" in a really wonderful way as we were going to sleep on Saturday night, asked a lot about my paper and school over the last few days.

It's nice to feel on an even keel again.

Sage

[Umbrella24]

THIS is where I end up...afraid that my efforts are wasted or worse, afraid that I'm going to be the best DB'er in the world, give myself to my M. wholeheartedly and it's still gonna collapse

Sage, I am living this scenario. I've been going strong, DBing like a mother, and if anything, my W is further away. So why do I continue. I honestly don't know. But the point is, I do continue. I just want to know that I won't have to someday look back, and realize I could have done more. Maybe not the best reason to continue, but it's what I've got.

Jim

[sage]

Sage, I am living this scenario. I've been going strong, DBing like a mother, and if anything, my W is further away. So why do I continue. I honestly don't know. But the point is, I do continue. I just want to know that I won't have to someday look back, and realize I could have done more. Maybe not the best reason to continue, but it's what I've got.

Jim

Actually, Jim, I think that's an excellent reason -- and one that I share. It occurred to me last week that yes, I was tired, but that I still had some work to do ... I realized that I, too, want to be able to look back and say "I did everything in my power". {I'm hoping that look back is with H. by my side...}

Sage

[sage]

Hey guys -- Journalling from yesterday...

What went well:
1. H sent me an ecard thanking me for my support. How wonderful is that? I'm happy and grateful that he feels my support for him.

2. H's back is really bothering him and he was open to me being helpful. He wasn't at all distant in his pain. It stinks that he's not feeling well but I love the fact that he didn't withdraw from me.

3. Had a few laughs while we were watching TV last night. Just nice to be together.

I'll give you an advance preview on #1 for tomorrow -- H called an hour ago and opened the conversation with his rendition of "Yes, sir, that's my baby".

What didn't go well:
Nothing really. I felt myself pushing a bit to feel close to him last night. I didn't sense that it was necessarily bugging him but I felt a bit needy inside. That's ok! Just wanted to note it.

*************
There's been some talk over the last few days about why some of us are struggling over here on Piecing. I realized this AM what I think is sometimes hard for me...

When I first started DB'ing I was completely willing to ignore MY needs (for comfort, for reassurance, for "slack", whatever) for the most part. Well, when I was able to stay focused I was...so when it was pretty much 100% "what does H. need? What does M. need?" it sometimes felt easier. NOW, my needs are bubbling up a bit and it makes it more confusing sometimes for me to decide "am I being reasonable here? How do I balance what I need with H?" For example, on thursday when I apologized to H. and told him a bit about why I was upset by the house talk, he seemed exasperated. I found myself bumping up against: "Wait a minute, isn't it completely reasonable for me to NEED something from him and expect to get it?" Hence my "I'm sick of this" post on Friday. What I did realize, though, was that yah, it is reasonable, but I didn't get what I needed anyway so for now, I just need to look at this as another opportunity for DB growth. TBH, the whole exchange DID point out some stuff for me that I'm still stuck on. So much to do ...

anyway, that's what it's about for me. I'm feeling strong and PMA is high. H. is being great!

Sage

[lostlove]

When I first started DB'ing I was completely willing to ignore MY needs (for comfort, for reassurance, for "slack", whatever) for the most part. Well, when I was able to stay focused I was...so when it was pretty much 100% "what does H. need? What does M. need?" it sometimes felt easier. NOW, my needs are bubbling up a bit and it makes it more confusing sometimes for me to decide "am I being reasonable here? How do I balance what I need with H?"

I hear ya!!!! it is frustrating in piecing for that reason...other dbrs are so focussed on the was and what their needs are...here it is not about "when do I get mine" or "what about me" so much as it is trying to find that balance without shaking the whole tree...

What I did realize, though, was that yah, it is reasonable, but I didn't get what I needed anyway so for now, I just need to look at this as another opportunity for DB growth. TBH, the whole exchange DID point out some stuff for me that I'm still stuck on.

at this stage I think we should start to refer to it as "personal growth" hopefully at this point the d is busted and now we have to find a way to work on our own personal issues within the context of the marriage...realizing that some of our problems are just that OUR problems not our s's.

it's all so damn difficult but I'm glad to see this statement...

I'm feeling strong and PMA is high. H. is being great!

LL

[jethro]

There's been some talk over the last few days about why some of us are struggling over here on Piecing.

And you ain't just whistling Dixie, Sage!

NOW, my needs are bubbling up a bit and it makes it more confusing sometimes for me to decide "am I being reasonable here? How do I balance what I need with H?"

Yup. It's all about balance and whether we feel we are being reasonable with our requests. I fight with myself all of the time on this. Should I ask for X, or does suggest I'm being needy, and needy isn't healthy? Ugh!

"Wait a minute, isn't it completely reasonable for me to NEED something from him and expect to get it?" Hence my "I'm sick of this" post on Friday. What I did realize, though, was that yah, it is reasonable, but I didn't get what I needed anyway so for now, I just need to look at this as another opportunity for DB growth.

Good introspection, Sage. "Need" is a difficult thing to define, though, isn't it?

Take care. I'm glad your H is being great.

jethro

[shinybear]

HI Sage,

Yep, things can be a bit rough in piecing. Glad your H is being so great AND that you're clearly getting a handle on the core issues for yourself .

Shiny

[sage]

Hi all,

Journalling from yesterday:

1. You already heard about my "yes, sir, that's my baby" phone call!

2. Got home last night and H. was dressed to GO OUT! Tie and all! Yes, indeed, we had a date at our favorite spot. It was awesome to be together (and to be on the arm of such a handsome guy!)

3. H. was super complimentary of me yesterday -- good stuff about my appearance and school and ...

All good stuff!

Sage