Calling All Cats :)

[DiDi]

(((Cat and H))) praying for you both.

I won't be able to check in for a week... we are off tomorrow morning to go across country, close on the house, pack it up and bring it back in a big, BIG, truck.

The moving thing, doncha know, no computer access unless I sneak away to an internet cafe while he is loading the truck. Bad DB-ing, bad. LOL.

I'm taking that print out of the "nuggets" you compiled on the peaceful one's thread to keep me centered no matter what adversity we face. Old friends who all want to kill him, 20 years of memories to sort out and pack up... a letter I found from "her" 4 months ago that I stashed in our top dresser drawer and have to get to first, lol.

Heh, no problem. We are tougher than we look! Thanks for being there for me. Now listen to your own self, girl. You want him to feel safe enough to go forward, to work on this and go back to this C until he works through it enough to forgive himself and move on with you and your family in peace. (((Cat))) gotta go, H is home.

[cat03]

good luck with the move Kel!! glad my nuggets help you, I have a tiny cheat sheet with me at all times, I re read them when I am strying from the piecing path

Wow, so much I really wanted on the open was said at the C, my C is the best, he put it all out there, my H was beligerent for a bit (I interrupted a bit, bleah) but C did planted the questions out there for H: "so, how much do you want this M?" "if you dont' feel confortable with her (told him about our sleeping arrangments) then why are you with her" "is it because the rent is cheap?" through it all there were many many long pauses by my H, which I find hard NOT to interpret as a yes or a no, I know he needs his time to think but it is still hard to sit still and quiet.

Everything that has been cooking in my little braind the MC brought up, and I was right, H was waiting for some sort of "emotion" towards me to materialize to signal he should work on the M. The MC told him 3x in different ways that it is the DECISION to be loving, affectionate and good to your W that will bring healing, not just waiting for emotions to move him into action.
He reminded him how HE was the one who was unfaithful and that he shouldnt' expect me to trust him 100% nor that I shouldn't have a right to be upset if A talk comes up. H kept saying he didn't feel those feelings yet, MC told him "is not about feelings, it is about MAKING the concious decision to make this M work, if you are waiting for emotions to came back it isn't going to happen."
H said how he felt unsure and still unconfortable about us being intimate, how in the past it was a tool and that it really affects him and that being intimate it leaves open to manipulation (maybe that part was also what mess him up during the A). I have not rejected him once, but anyways, I didn't realize that was one of his fears.

Anywaysssssss.... he has a few decisions to make and it is not up on the air anymore, he has such a hard time understanding what needs to be done, I know he gets overwhelmed easily but he now has heard that he can't just wait for the emotions to guide him, that he needs to make consious decisions to make our M work.

Boy i'm drained... though I feel much better.

[Aud31]

I'm so glad your C helped make things clear for your H.

I hope he can wrap his head around the idea that sometimes you have to ACT even when you don't FEEL. Heck, our whole culture needs to get that one. Life is not a drive-through, disposable proposition.

((Hugs)) and prayers for you Cat. You are one fabulous woman.

[cat03]

thanks honey, at least someone thinks so . I know I shouldn't read so much into it and I haven't let that comment hurt me, but still felt ackward when C asked H "is she a good woman?" H paused a long while and said "huh..she is trying to be, yes", he answered faster when he asked him if I was a good mother.
Sigh* it is what it is and I know better than to disect every word my H says and get hung up on it.

What makes my day is when my little 4yr looks up to me and says "mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you!" so, I must be doing something right

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
I found you! I didn't put two and two together that this was your new thread. I was just looking for your screen name.

Anyway, I know exactly what you're going through. During my H's many back & forths last year, we were in MC. I remember one time, I looked at my H and said, "you're the love of my life" and he said, "but maybe that's not enough". There was much more where that came from.

Basically, I think they get into this frame of mind where they don't "feel" what they're supposed to feel for us. Those feelings are infatuation and they happen at hte beginning of a R. So, if I read correctly, your H has recently resumed contact with OW, correct? So, that is messing up his head. Perhaps those infatuation feelings for OW came up and he is wishing he was feeling those feelings for you. At least, that is what continued to happen in my H's case.

Your H sounds VERY confused and angry. And at this point, it is up to him to figure it out. Yes, he has difficult questions to answer and decisions to make. Just sit back and let him make them. If he/you decide to separate, that could be a good thing.

Your H needs to find that place on his own where he realizes the difference between sharing a life with someone -- a partner -- and having a fantasy romance with someone. Option b doesn't last. He may not realize that now, but I have faith that one day he will. I'm glad the MC said those things to him about how loving someone is a decision. Your H hears it, but I don't know if he's ready to internalize it.

You're a very strong woman. And I know whta you mean about your 4-year old. My kids basically saved me through this whole mess.

[cat03]

thanks peaceful
My H's A has been over for 3mths, it was his second with the same woman, but all contact has been broken.

I think he is afraid of face reality and making options and work, he's afraid to give and be vulnerable. We are going back to C in 2wks, and we'll see if he's made any kind of decisions, in the meantime I will just wait and see if he moves forward, and we'll go from there.

[whapu]

Cat,
Bleary eyed I stumble in for a brief visit.

is not about feelings, it is about MAKING the concious decision to make this M work, if you are waiting for emotions to came back it isn't going to happen."

I agree wholeheartingly with AUD. Somewhere along civilization's path, we got this strange idea that everything is directed by our emotions and every decision needs to be made by that directive. Some I guess could wave a finger at the media but I think more so it might be laziness. At least for myself. I often have to remind myself that any decision SOLELY made by emotion has about a 98% chance of being a wrong one. I guess I can consider it toddler thinking. "if it's sweet it must be good"

Good to hear that maybe some of your H "brain cells" have been nudged and hopefully that path of resolution is being paved...I think you are both luck to have found the correct M SAGE to guide you....peace

[cat03]

thanks W, I'll let that sink in into H's mind and we'll see...

hope you get some rest tonight )))))

[LoginName]

Hi Cat,
This may seem presumption and even arrogant, but I just posted a rambling note on Limbo's thread and I'd like you to read it and tell me what you think. Don't make me copy it over to here, cause I'll do it!

Thanks,
LN

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
That's great that your H has broken all contact. Hopefully he realizes that his issues are with him and nobody but he can solve them.

I see you live on the East Coast. Anywhere near Jersey?