Why can't I do this....

[houndfan]

DW and I have been seperated since 10/24 and it has been pure hell on me. I have both books, have had a session with Jerry, and have been trying. In addition, I have finally accepted that I need to be in intensive therapy for my own issues which I brought into the marriage.

She is resolute that it is over, that she wants to pursue with OM even though she may not be ready. This am she told me that she knew the day of our marriage that she was making a mistake because I had conned her into getting P with our first S. That is true, but I did love her/ I do love her.

She has been asking for a couple of weeks that I just let her go and accept that she is moving on with her life and that I need to come to an understanding of what that means with new goals and relationships etc. We had a really nice talk this morning, but of course I asked way too many questions.

She called me about an hr ago to tell me that I am not allowed to ask her personal questions any longer and that her life away from the kids is her life as long as she is not hurting them.

I can understand where she is coming from having been married to a liar, cheat, thief all these years. But, I feel like I am making strides in IC, my journey to find some inner peace and I want to stand from the roof tops and shout it out.

I keep finding myself drawn into the R/M conversations when with her. I keep longing for her when I see her. Longing to feel her touch again, to kiss her lips, to hold her. I keep doing everything wrong.

It has been textbook thus far with her, she has said so much to hurt me. She has pushed away so much. I too have been textbook begging, crying, pleading. In fact she asked me this morning to give her some time before we discuss the R again because she can not stand the mess that I am and that she feels as though I am manipulating every conversation.

So, please tell me. What have some of you done to follow the DB program. How do you make it work day in and out. Where do you find your hope that there will be a R?

I have been praying so much for this personal recovery and hte Lord has put me in a good place with great support. But, the one that I want the most to be there is a million miles away confiding in another man.

How do I keep myself together for the kids?

Help me please...