When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

OK guys -- mini-rant to follow...proceed at your own risk!

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Last night was just a bad night. I spent the afternoon feeling stressed and scared (after the stupid conversation about the house -- or shall I say "non-conversation"?) and also beating myself up for screwing up -- for controlling, for bad DB'ing, for apologizing, for apologizing wrong, whatever. Guess I did a crappy job on the 180 of "letting it go".

Went to school. Vacillated between ok and not ok...Got home and just felt "off". H came down to greet me (good) but gave me only a quick kiss after a few minutes of standing there. I felt suspicious and mistrustful -- no doubt because I had spent much of the night convincing myself that my "slip" (conversation) would drive H. straight into the arms of ow -- who clearly has no personality flaws -- who is uncomplicated -- who doesn't "chew things up into little bits" -- blah, blah, blah.

Clearly a case of a vicious cycle -- my behavior was withdrawn and tentative, I was watchful, he probably felt watched, he didn't sweep me off my feet and give me a giant kiss, on and on. Not his fault at all -- I could feel myself being distant.

We went to bed. Again, a quick and unpassionate kiss. Reminded me too much of how it was in the throes of his A -- his distance, his tacit anger, his lack of physical interest in me, all the crap.

After about 20 minutes I asked him if I could have a hug. He said "sure" and "what's wrong, honey?" I was light in voice when I said "I think I just got a little freaked out by our conversation today". The sentence wasn't even out of my mouth before he sighed and half turned away -- exasperated? Mad? who the heck knows. I said "I'm not trying to make you feel badly -- it's not your fault, I'm just telling you how I feel". No response.

No hug in bed this morning. He's going to be gone most of the weekend so I asked him last night if he wanted to go for lunch today. He asked me about it as I was leaving so we're meeting up.

So, what's the rant? I am tired of feeling like there's something wrong with me for feeling emotions and feeling them deeply. I am tired of feeling as though I'm living with someone who cannot tolerate that part of me. I actually had the thought this morning that D. might not be the wrong idea after all. I want to be able to ask for reassurance and not feel like there's something wrong with me for grieving a part of my childhood. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

What is HIS response to stress, sadness, fear, whatever more palatable? Perhaps is H. had been a bit more willing to "chew things up into little bits" he wouldn't have engaged in 8 months of an EA -- of lying to me every day. Perhaps if he had been a bit more "over-analytical" he would have seen that he was in trouble and handled it in a slightly different way - hahahaha. Slightly, my A$$ -- how about not running and hiding in the arms of someone else?

I'm scared to even post this -- there are times when I think my H. is reading my thread and what happens when he sees that I think of D too sometimes? I don't want my marriage to be over -- but I sure don't want it to be like it has been for the last 24 hours. What happened to the guy who leaves me notes like "proceed to the bedroom" and then greets me with champagne? How about a giant hug and kiss? I could sure use one.

I guess a more optimistic viewpoint would be that this kind of circumstance (my fears of not having security, my asking for reassurance, his inability to respond to that in a way that doesn't telegraph is intolerance of "the way I am") is the corner case of our M. issues. We haven't been out much together in the last few weeks. We haven't been intimate in a week. WE haven't been "doing the stuff that works".

Anyway -- lunch is on. Got my best "as if" cap to wear. I'm looking forward to being with him and seeing him. He'll be gone most of the weekend which probably isn't a bad thing -- gives me a chance to regroup.

Sage