As long as I'm baring my soul here, I just had another insight (in the ladies room of school of all places). We know that I have "an issue" with security -- looking for grounding and certainty when life is uncertain. Seeing suggestions of change and ambivalence as dire threats, etc.
Well...I just realized that part of the problem is that I ASSume that H. is toying with my sense of security. In essence, that his "cavalier" attitude (not really, but my ASSumption) is a thumbing his nose as my desire for security. SO...that I'm feeling angry (more likely hurt or taken advantage of) by him and that that is piled on top of my fears. BUT -- H. isn't toying with me. He isn't jerking me around or being a bad guy. He's talking about normal stuff. What's making me feel that way is that mom and dad WERE adults and should have been caring enough to say to each other: look, we're not sure we're breaking up. Let's put some adult plans in place BEFORE we tell the kids. Let's not jerk them around.
But they didn't. And they didn't do it once. or twice. they did is over and over and over again. So, it's not just that my fears are reaching into the past -- so is the feeling that someone is doing it on purpose. Keeping me without the ground under my feet on purpose. Because shouldn't two grownups KNOW if not the FIRST time, certainly the second time that MAYBE they weren't sure they were splitting up so just shut up!
I don't know if this makes any sense. I've been picturing H. pulling the safety net out from under me on purpose (the on purpose part being the interesting key here). it isn't him that's giving me that feeling....AND, eventually I'll probably recognize that mom and dad were doing the best that they could, too.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
