When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

Well -- this would go into the "what didn't go well" for tomorrow's journal...figure I'll get it out now instead of waiting!

H. and I closed on a new mortgage this AM. We got a great rate. We also got a copy of the assessment. The number was a nice leap from what we paid for the house.

H. just called. Turns out that our next door neighbors are selling their house and were having a lunchtime open house. I checked the listing price while I was on the phone with H. and it's ALOT. Their house is 1 bedroom smaller than ours and has .10 acre vs. our acre.

H. said "you know..." and I didn't even let him get the thought out (crap). I said "no. where are you going with this?". stupid, stupid stuff. H. said, "I'm not saying I want to sell the house but it would be interesting to see how much we could get for it".

All I could feel was the ground shifting under my feet.

I don't want to sell our house. I don't want to put it on the market "just to see". I love our home. I want someplace to call "home". I want to KNOW where I'm going to live. I want to feel secure. I want to feel safe. I want to feel in control.

All the feelings of when I was a kid came rushing back -- when my parents would sit us down twice a year and tell us they were getting a divorce and we'd have to move (didn't happen for 16 years -- and we didn't move -- but twice a year like clockwork I wondered where I was going to live)

All the feelings of H. not wanting our M., not wanting our home, not wanting our life together came rushing back. Since the bomb dropped, whenever I drive past a "for sale" sign I think -- could I afford that home if H divorces me?

All I could think: isn't my security and safety worth more than making a profit?

I apologized for my response. Apologized for acting controlling. Apologized for getting so caught up in my need for security and grounding that I didn't really hear what he had to say.

He was flat in response. Not good. Not bad. He doesn't get it.

Sage