When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

I just sat on his lap (he said it was good luck) while the first inning of the red sox game was on

Is there such a thing as a non-superstitious Red Sox fan?

---

Nope. It's all we have to hold onto.

Good to see you Jim!

Sage

[sage]

Hi all,

Journalling from yesterday.

What went well:

1. H called me a bunch of times at work. Very cute stuff!

2. We went bowling and H was very affectionate -- grabbing my hand, patting my butt I love it when he is affectionate with me -- particularly when it's in public! (Well, I like the private stuff too!)

3. H isn't feeling well (no, that's not good) and when I called him from work just before leaving he said "come home and make me some tea!". I love that he was asking me to take care of him in some way!

What didn't go well:
Nothing actually. I'm working really hard at noticing my negative thoughts and trying to stop them in their tracks. it's a bit disturbing how often I lapse into some negative daydreaming! Yikes.

Sage

[Jeannine]

Hi Sage,

It looks like the fledgling is beginning to fly.

I'm so happy for you.

Jeannine

[Jeannine]

Hi Sage,

I am unable to post on my own thread for some reason.

Glad to see everything is still going in a positive direction for you. It looks like you're going to be one of the success stories on this site.

Much happiness for you.

Jeannine

[charcoal]

just checking in, sage


sounds like

Well, i dunno, but it IS really cool to hear to you applying the DB priciples, and seeing results.


Anyway ~ I REALLY appreciate you posting so many wonderful insights on my threads. Thank you.

[sage]

Some journalling from yesterday

What went well:
1. H. called me a bunch of times at work. I love it when he calls 'cause it always makes me feel as though he was thinking of me

2. One of the calls was to thank me for a gift I had surprised him with (the DVDs of "From the Earth to the Moon"). It always feels a bit weird to give H. impromptu gifts -- I'm not sure he's much of a "gift guy" plus I think I wrap up too many expectations in the response. Not very good for either of us! So...it was nice to have him call specifically to let me know he was watching the DVDs and enjoying them

3. H went out last night and was very cute and affectionate when he came home. I was already in bed and he wasn't tired so he stayed up for a while. He seemed very happy and relaxed.

What didn't go well: Nothing

***************
I'm feeling pretty calm and my anxiety/thoughts (about ow, about "bad stuff happening", etc) have been very much in check lately. I've been doing a good job about noting when I'm catastrophizing or creating some really negative feeling in my head. Good stuff.

I am missing spending time with H. We've had a busy week and he'll be gone most if not all of the weekend. It's a good time for me to catch up with myself and do some errands at home but I'm still going to miss my pal! I'm going to try to put some "dates" together for next week!

Sage

[sage]

Well -- this would go into the "what didn't go well" for tomorrow's journal...figure I'll get it out now instead of waiting!

H. and I closed on a new mortgage this AM. We got a great rate. We also got a copy of the assessment. The number was a nice leap from what we paid for the house.

H. just called. Turns out that our next door neighbors are selling their house and were having a lunchtime open house. I checked the listing price while I was on the phone with H. and it's ALOT. Their house is 1 bedroom smaller than ours and has .10 acre vs. our acre.

H. said "you know..." and I didn't even let him get the thought out (crap). I said "no. where are you going with this?". stupid, stupid stuff. H. said, "I'm not saying I want to sell the house but it would be interesting to see how much we could get for it".

All I could feel was the ground shifting under my feet.

I don't want to sell our house. I don't want to put it on the market "just to see". I love our home. I want someplace to call "home". I want to KNOW where I'm going to live. I want to feel secure. I want to feel safe. I want to feel in control.

All the feelings of when I was a kid came rushing back -- when my parents would sit us down twice a year and tell us they were getting a divorce and we'd have to move (didn't happen for 16 years -- and we didn't move -- but twice a year like clockwork I wondered where I was going to live)

All the feelings of H. not wanting our M., not wanting our home, not wanting our life together came rushing back. Since the bomb dropped, whenever I drive past a "for sale" sign I think -- could I afford that home if H divorces me?

All I could think: isn't my security and safety worth more than making a profit?

I apologized for my response. Apologized for acting controlling. Apologized for getting so caught up in my need for security and grounding that I didn't really hear what he had to say.

He was flat in response. Not good. Not bad. He doesn't get it.

Sage

[lostlove]

He doesn't get it.

that is what you have to remind yourself...h didnt' grow up the same way you did with all those fears...they are yours from your past and you are bringing them with you into adult life...yes the sit is helping aid that fear but it is your own.

LL

[sage]

that is what you have to remind yourself...h didnt' grow up the same way you did with all those fears...they are yours from your past and you are bringing them with you into adult life...yes the sit is helping aid that fear but it is your own.

LL

Yes, LL. You are right. It's amazing how present the feelings can feel even tho' they're so rooted in the past.

I called an offered another apology. I said:

"I'm sorry that I cut you off and controlled the conversation when all you wanted to do was get a thought out. I know that I have done this before to you.

The house feels like a safety net for me. And when you talk about selling it, I feel unsafe and scared. Some of it is from when I was a kid and my parents would tell us that they were getting divorced and I didn't know where we were going to live...and some of it is from the last 6 months when "selling the house" became an angry answer to a lot of the problems we were having.

It's your house too and anytime you want to talk about what we should do with it just let me know."

H. was still pretty flat in his "it's ok". Maybe a little softer than the first conversation but not much. Not fair for me to read too much into that (why should I judge his response?). And if he says "it's ok", taking him at face value is the right thing to do. A 180 for me would be to let this drop (including not beating myself up for it) so that's what I'm going to do.

Sage

[lostlove]

A 180 for me would be to let this drop (including not beating myself up for it) so that's what I'm going to do.

and keep in mind..that sometimes when they say...it's ok...they really mean...I understand you honey and I'm sorry that I didn't consider your feelings too...but it's ok is the best they can do.

so it's ok!!

LL