Donna--finding herself #20, sans H

[Reincarnated]

AlAnon's topic of discussion tonight:

Let Go and Let God (or whatever your higher power is).

Lots and lots of people there have a real struggle with this; we are the control freaks of the world, it seems. It is good to hear the struggles and attempts to understand from others. A lot like here.

I heard from another who is a master at detachment--almost too detached. She told the group that she could go months, years, pretending that the problem doesn't exist at all, even when there were actions that could be taken.

Too sides to the co-dependent coin, my H and I.

Many said I sounded so much better tonight. I agree. The hills and the valleys of the coaster ride seem to be leveling off...

[oldtimer]

"pretending that the problem doesn't exist at all, even when there were actions that could be taken."

I wouldn't call this detached, I'd call it denial and avoidance...

[Reincarnated]

I think she said "overly detached," and didn't feel it was a good way to be. Maybe the extreme that loving someone that can slide into enmeshment, detached slides into denial or simply apathy...

Either way, sounds like what could possibly be H's reactions. But I am in no position to diagnose him (he asked me to Sunday!). I just suggested that he may need some reflection more than he realizes, and left it at that. He scoffs at the idea of therapy...but he is going on Tues with me and the kids, for whatever that is worth.

[oldtimer]

"Either way, sounds like what could possibly be H's reactions. But I am in no position to diagnose him (he asked me to Sunday!). I just suggested that he may need some reflection more than he realizes, and left it at that."

Hmmmm... How did all that work for you? Is this what started your latest slide?

What happened to no contact? Is that something you've decided against?

[SallyM]

I agree with ot about the al anon person.

also, why are you guys going to therapy together? is that often recommended?

[oldtimer]

I think denial and avoidance simply can also be signs of enmeshment, just different symptoms.

Or, maybe your friend is talking more generally about numbing out/disassociating from the world/others?

[Reincarnated]

Well, it doesn't much matter about who was enmeshed anymore. At this point, I am just grieving what I thought was ours. That it is over. I told the IC that he can't come home anymore. It has been a year, as of this past Monday, since the first bomb.

I want someone in my life who can talk about their inner-most thoughts. I am so tired of this whole mess, tired of being alone. I wonder just how long I have really been alone.

Growing beyond him, I think...

[NikB]

((Donna))

You sound really good.

OT - good points about denial and avoidance. I think that's the kind of "enmeshment" H and I have, and I have.. in my case anyway, I'd totally agree with your thought there. Different symptoms. Donna sorry to hijack!

I wondered the same as OT - why the new and increased contact? (or are you just sharing it here more)? Seems it may be making things harder for you?

[oldtimer]

"Growing beyond him, I think..."

Oh, my dear, you did that long ago.

[saffie]

Do you love your children more than your spouse, even before the bomb? Or is it vice-versa?

I have always loved my children more than my H - they need me more. My H has always loved me more than my children as he expects to spend the rest of his life with me whereas one day they will leave. I expect my priority may change as the kids get older. It's a different kind of love anyway.

Saffie