many thanks for all of the kind and valuable words.
i had to speak to a coach yesterday, and he really got me thinking about myself. thinking about the future. good and bad. be prepared for the worst if the best doesn't happen. i will go on.
i also seem to focus on feelings quite a bit. wondering how the W is feeling... lonely, depressed, angry... i cannot control those feelings, and need to understand that each moment i waste concentrating on wondering about feelings, is a moment that i've taken away from being the best possible person i can be.
i guess my main concern are my children. i know i would be okay. i know it. i know it better day by day. but i fear for my children. long for them to have a traditional family with mom and dad at home. i took the leap yesterday, and started envisioning life by myself... on a positive note. thinking about how i would get along. it wasn't THAT bad. not that i want it to happen, but just in case.
i think the more i think about that, the more confident i become. yesterday i picked up a small gift for a friend of her's that she's taking to dinner tomorrow... and i made a small box for it. when i got home, she said, you didn't have to go to all that trouble... it's so nice... and she gave me a small kiss.
it meant a lot, but i didn't act like it did... but it was nice, and in front of the kids... so it did mean a lot.
so in finding myself, and gaining the self worth that i have lost over the past month or so, i find that i can be a better person... and forgiving is the main part of that. forgiving her as much as it hurt me. and understanding she didn't set out to hurt me, but it happened, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
sure, i think about the next phone bill... is his number going to be on there again? is she over him yet, does she still want to sleep with him... all that goes through my head and pierces my heart so deeply... but i need to move on and want to move on to the normalcy i long for... for those happy times in my memory when i was her only one and we had each other.
each day will strengthen me, and there will be set backs i fear... there just will be... but i need to go on. and i want you all to understand that each of us here need to do this... value ourselves first. easy to say, hard to do.
you all seem like such wonderful people... and i so wish that this board did not have to exist, but it does, and for that we are more fortunate, to hear the encouraging words, and help that we as total strangers want to provide to each other, because we alone know the true pain of all of this. if only the OM would of been so kind to see what he was doing to another person, and their family... forgiving him will be another step, i'm sure.... but it's just not that easy yet.
