Sadly, if you want to watch Rs crash, you can watch the piecing forum. When people lose their detachment, the Rs often take a nosedive.
Oldtimer ! I've missed your posts on BFM's thread ! Well just missed your posts really ! This statement you made has made me think...I think I may have learnt a lesson today...a very important one ! Thank you !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Sadly, if you want to watch Rs crash, you can watch the piecing forum. When people lose their detachment, the Rs often take a nosedive.
I think this is so true right here. I've seen it first hand. I totally lost my detachment when H came home back in the summer and well, you see what happened there.
I think so many people think of detachment as a cold, uncaring place to be when in reality it's not that at all. It's about loving someone so much that you let them be themselves without trying to "fix" them.
Thanks for all the responses.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
'Lost to themselves' is how my therapist described it. Not the same as detachment at all. Detachment is an act of grace and an act of will.
Yes Angelica. I would even add that in addition to "Lost to Themselves" is the idea that they are "Lost Within Themselves". So much to the point that they cannot even take a step back and witness the carnage they are creating in their life and in others.
Detaching is a scary process. It is scary because as you detach you wonder if you are letting go too much. It is scary because you may feel like you are allowing your feelings for them to die.
Detaching is really letting go to the extent that what the WAS does to you, says to you, act likes, etc - simply doesn't affect you anymore. Detaching is about being at piece. It is about becoming aware that by interferring and/or pursuing them, you only push them away more. When you finally detach, you focus on you, let them go off and go through whatever is they need to go through. Through this process, the WAS may be able to look (albeit for a very small moment in time) outside themselves and wonder what we are doing. But the choice to come back is up to them and what they do. Once we have detached, we quit interferring with this process and realize that the only thing we can control and fix is our own self.
There are a lot of good resources out there on detaching as have been posted and as someone else has said - you will know when you finally arrive at detachment.
I think so many people think of detachment as a cold, uncaring place to be when in reality it's not that at all. It's about loving someone so much that you let them be themselves without trying to "fix" them.
Santhony, thank you, this I explained to my psych the other day...
Quote:
Detaching is a scary process. It is scary because as you detach you wonder if you are letting go too much. It is scary because you may feel like you are allowing your feelings for them to die.
This has been a big fear for me, and by giving that 'fear' to God, it has helped me greatly !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Detaching is a scary process. It is scary because as you detach you wonder if you are letting go too much. It is scary because you may feel like you are allowing your feelings for them to die.
Unfortunately, I think this is where I am at. I don't feel anything positive for him anymore...it is now about anger,resentment and utter disgust at who he has become and I have no interest in him at all. Perhaps I will detach enough to not have THOSE feelings...
For now, I am working on me...and trying not to get caught up in his drama...I don't think he will come back anymore...I think he is too far gone...and I will accept that as the will of God and move forward with my life.
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
Vali, I think that since you are aware of this, you can better deal with "building walls" as opposed to detaching. My W and two of my three children build walls around their hearts, convincing themselves that they do not have feelings anymore, when in fact the feelings are there, just buried. Everyone is different Vali so maybe detaching from those feelings will work but I would recommend not detaching from the anger, resentment or disgust but instead understanding them and releasing them according to the root cause of the feelings. The same thing I would recommend of the love that you used to acknowledge for your H. Just take it slow and do not be hard on yourself. Detaching (letting go without losing love for someone) is so important.
As far as H being too far gone, no one knows. We cannot even guess what God's desires are for you. I will say He wanted your M to be joyous but He can't force your H to come back home. He can make it uncomfortable and have little pleasure for your H but He won't force your H to go back home. I cannot even guess God's timetable and I personally don't want to force God to send my W back home before she is ready. My W is too messed up to come back home right now.
Vali, you are so awesome. I have been reading your posts for months and you show so much strength. Thank you for what you have done for me.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
