When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

SB -- the hororscopes come from www.cainer.com I'm not sure I really believe in them either but the ones from Cainer have good wisdom whether you think it has to do with your birthsign or not.

Things are aggravating here this morning. We had an ok day yesterday -- I procrastinated on writing a paper (still not done!) so I was busy with that while H was at baseball practice. He came home and eventually we watched some tv together. At one point, he told me how much he loves me and gave me a giant, knee shaking kiss.

We went bowling, did well and then went out afterwards with our bowling partners. On the drive home, my back was killing me -- I've been having trouble with it for the last month and it was really bad last night. Plus, it was snowing (arrgh) so I was really tense driving. We get home and we're getting ready to go upstairs for bed and H lobs his baseball cap at my head -- the rim hits me hard for some reason and I got kind of pissed off. I told him that it hurt. Then we went into the bathroom and H. sprayed my legs with saline solution and I just snapped and yelled "stop it. stop nudging me"

Well, he's been pissed off since. I've apologized twice for yelling at him. When I apologized this am he said he wasn't mad at me -- in that withdrawn voice.

well, we've been here before. What doesn't work is me pursuing him. Gotta remember that.

And, I gotta do my paper.

I will say that last night I renewed my commitment to letting go of ow. I keep coming back to that over and over after I slip up and obsess about her for a while...I guess it's ok to fall off the horse as long as I get back on.

Sage

[Jeannine]

Hi Sage,

If your H's anything like me when it comes to having people over for social events, it could indeed be a case of the jitters. I know how tense I get over wanting everything to be just right.

So perhaps???

Jeannine

[shinybear]

See, didn't I tell you he might have to cut YOU some slack when you get "snippy" too?

Just normal mood stuff, aching back, tense driving, baseball hat to the head, saline spray (how the heck did that happen? ). At least you apologized, would you have done so before?

So let him be a tiny bit miffed, it's all part of a normal marriage, isn't it? So hard to remember that after all we've been through.

How's the paper going? I'll bet that fed into your irritation that night too.

Shiny

[sage]

well, the paper is done. Not my best work (what do you expect when you wait until the last minute?) but at least it's finished. gonna mail it off pronto.

H. is back to ok. He approached me. I just sat on his lap (he said it was good luck) while the first inning of the red sox game was on. That's good stuff!

How can I stop screwing myself up all of the time? Is it just going to be this iterative process of making mistakes and recovering? Maybe I need to read dr again. No doubt I need to put some goals down on paper. I just keep falling back into the same old trap of obsessing over stuff -- not treating him as a friend, not valuing what he's offering, not trusting him, not hearing what he's saying.

so much good stuff goes on here and yet I end up messing up over and over and over.

arrgh. done beating myself up. gonna go hang with H.

Sage

[erinr]

Sage,

Goals sound like a good place to start. They tend to keep us on track and stop us from going to the dark places/cheeseless tunnels.

I agree on the assessment of H's snippiness before your party. My H is the same way...wants everything perfect. I'm a lot more laid back when it comes to hosting parties. If I'm ever in your area, I want to be invited!!! I LOVE champagne!!

Go WHITE SOX!!!!!!

[KAW]

Good day Sage,
Slow down your reactions. Take three deep breaths before doing anything. In the time it takes to breath, ask yourself, am what I'm about to do bring us closer or pull us apart? Most of the time, you'll come up with the right answer, but if you are unsure, then do nothing, don't react, let it go until you find the answer.

'til later,
KAW

[Jeannine]

Hi Sage,

Some of us are just plain ole worrywarts.

You're still way ahead of the game compared to many of us here.

The bonfire will take time to burnout before you can stop sweating. Just don't let him see you sweat.

This will come over time.

Breath in, breath out...

Jeannine

[sage]

My friends,

Thank you for the continued support and for the excellent suggestions. I am feeling calmer today. Relaxing, taking my time before reacting, acting as if, the stop sign...all stuff I need to be using regularly.

Today is April 1st. 5 months ago to the day I found out for certain that my H. was having an A. I was going to reread my entire thread library to see how things have evolved but I'm not sure I have the stamina! Ah, what the heck....I'll be back in a minute!

da dum da dum da dum da dum

Wow. That was long and boring. OK! It wasn't boring AT ALL! Lots and lots of good DB'ing, insights, support from by BB friends, etc. I'm glad I took the time to reread.

***************
So, I keep saying I'm going to reread DR and post new goals. I will get there! Promise. Maybe even this week. but in the interim, I guess I'd like to post a recap of what's improved and what still needs work.

What's really gotten better:
H is much more loving and affectionate with me

H is MUCH more interested in our life together (house, finances, etc)

H seems much happier with himself and with me

H is much more romantic with me

I am a much better listener (and H. is talking a lot more)

I have identified some areas w/in myself that are in need of, say, focus

I am less controlling of H. than I used to be (much less inclined to try to direct him in terms of job, etc)

I have a clearer picture of the things that interest H.

I have stopeed taking my M and H for granted.

I have invested time and energy into understanding myself, understanding H and our M

I am able to notice positive things in our M more readily (this still need more focus)

I am able to hear the different ways/languages that H. uses to tell me that he loves me

H. and I have successfully talked about more than one difficult topic

All in all, H is significantly more loving and interested in me and our M than ever. And, I have taken the time to see and appreciate that!

What still needs work:
Banishing thoughts of OW (still, getting lots better)

Working on my own demons -- abandonment, mistrust, fear

Working on stopping my tacit attemts to control H

Working on not seeking the negative in the face of all the positives

Working on not creating crises just because they are my comfort zone

Working on self-managing my feelings when they make sense

Working on bringing up my feelings with H. in a timely fashion (as opposed to freaking out)

Working on distracting myself from negative thoughts, assumptions

Working on NOT mind-reading and NOT expecting H. to mind read

Working on believing good things about H. and about our M.

**********
I'm sure there's lots more stuff but it'll come out over the next few days.

********
I'd gotten away from journalling three good things each day -- I'd like to start that up again.

1. H. asked me to sit on his lap during the Red Sox game as it would be "good luck" (apparently, I didn't sit on it long enough! Should have been there in the 9th inning!)

2. H not only asked to read my school paper but made some suggestions. this is the first time EVER in 2+ years that H has expressed an interest in my schoolwork.

3. H was very physically affectionate while we were watching TV last night.

Sage

[shinybear]

Lookin' GOOD!

Nice update. Sage, my H is now posting as CJay...hasn't started his own thread just yet but be on the lookout. He made a nice post to SAD's SAM.

I suggested he cruise your thread. Any others I might suggest? I mentioned Belle, how is she? Haven't seen her in days....

Shiny

[Umbrella24]

I just sat on his lap (he said it was good luck) while the first inning of the red sox game was on

Is there such a thing as a non-superstitious Red Sox fan?