When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

And now a hang-up??? Get caller ID, $3.95 a month here. Worth it.

We have it. Not every number shows up unfortunately. Actually, it occurred to me that if ow IS calling, this may signal that she's getting careless and losing it a bit. Slow and steady...

I don't know exactly why, Sage, but for me I'm feeling those "twinges" less and less. Perhaps it's H planning my party, doing stuff. Saying ILY. etc.

But I think that it has more to do with the trust in MYSELF that I've discovered for the first time in my life these past several months.

It's the part of me that KNOWS that I can handle anything, that even if my H and OW were still in touch, I could handle it. It might mean the end of my M (maybe not, depends on the circumstances) but I can survive that, painful as it would be.

Having this basic self-trust takes some of the power away from the external world's ability to "harm us".

Does this make any sense?

You're making perfect sense. Regardless of what else is going on in my M or my life, I'm only going to have the "security" (ha) I'm looking for when I develop that "core" of self-trust. Because there IS no security. And everything changes. I am really and truly the only constant in my life and that's only until I'm no longer here....

I'm not sure why I'm getting stuck again. I know I could take care of myself. I know that it would open up new avenues for me. Yes, it would be a different life but it would be a life nonetheless. I think I'm getting mired in feeling possibly "duped", "taken advantage of", " not chosen" (OK, I'm really stuck on the notion that ow has gotten away scott-free here -- there's a not so small part of me that wants a "scene" where people end up seeing her for who she is and what she has done. How perverse.)

I have to reground myself. I'm thinking of this as growing pains.

Thanks for hanging out with me!

Sage