Went out to do errands. H. came home just before I left.
I was gone for ~ an hour. When I came home, he was upstairs as expected -- it sounded like he was moving from one room to another. Came upstairs and found him in the tv room as though he had been there for a while but saw that the computer must have been used in the last 5 minutes (screen was refreshed). Couldn't catch myself before my heart closed down -- Made HUGE mental ASSumptions -- must have been on computer emailing ow, IM'ing her, whatever. Reminded me of email I found from her (when bomb dropped) that showed that he had emailed her after his bball All-Star game -- the game that I sat through in the freezing cold and cheered him on -- took him all of 5 minutes THEN after getting home before he was on-line emailing her.
NOW? Who knows?
Why do I find myself back with the fear and the closed heart over things that I cannot control?
Why can't I remember how I've been yearning for the return of my romantic and loving partner and that this does NOTHING to get me there?
Why can't I let go of stuff that I know NOTHING about? And never will?
arrgh.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
