journaling: starting to feel very overwhelmed. I've been lurking on the divorced board and omg, there is sooo much that has to be done between now and when it is finally all over. and it seems like it is never truly over. just the logistics of what needs to be done is killing me. I don't even want to think about any of it..none of it. ugh. no, I'm not filing today, but guessing h will soon or will come up with a plan that makes arbitration palatable. I know many of you think he will drag his feet, but I think after having finally said it the other week, that it will make the next step easier.
no, I don't need to do anything today. and I know I am saying I am taking things day by day, so I know logically this goes against that goal. still, I can't help but lurk a bit and then get a little freaked out.
ugh.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
You are banned for the divorce board, young lady. Banned, I say. Now, go to your room.
Ok, seriously though, don't overwhelm yourself for something you aren't anywhere near. As time goes by, anything can change. No, I am not trying to pump you up with "H might come back", but he really might. Plus, as the anger wears off, maybe you all could actually do mediation and minimal court time. You are reading ugly stories from very hurt people. You aren't there yet. Don't push yourself.
You are banned for the divorce board, young lady. Banned, I say. Now, go to your room.
Ok, seriously though, don't overwhelm yourself for something you aren't anywhere near. As time goes by, anything can change. No, I am not trying to pump you up with "H might come back", but he really might. Plus, as the anger wears off, maybe you all could actually do mediation and minimal court time. You are reading ugly stories from very hurt people. You aren't there yet. Don't push yourself.
yeah, I know, lwb, I know. I am banning myself for a bit. one day at a time...and today is not a day for that.
had an awesome w/o tonight. H came and I was ready to go so didn't linger. I thought at first it wouldn't be all that great...I am coming down with a cold, and it was so crowded when I got there I had to park where I didn't even know parking existed. I think everyone and their mother was there tonight. to top it off, I forgot an elastic to tie my hair back with (I hate my hair in my face when I'm sweating). It ended up being one of the best w/o's I have had in a while. I had to fight for it...to get the w/o I wanted in, I had to be a bit creative since it was so crowded, but I did and I'm so happy I did.
got home just as H was finishing putting the kids to bed. I gave them hugs and kisses while H went downstairs. I'll admit, I stalled as much as my 3 year old d did, lol. H kept loitering downstairs. He got really irritated, didn't like that d3 was stalling. I don't miss that snap irritation, so a silver lining with having him gone. I called quietly down and asked if he needed me, if not I was jumping in the shower. unfortunately, yeah, he wanted to chat. thankfully no big deal, almost seemed to just want to talk, but I kept it about the kids and had nothing else to say.
he is leaving for vegas tomorrow for business and asked if I wanted his flight info and such like last time. keep in mind, last time he went he had a complete breakdown that night here...sobbing/hysterical/scary to the point that I made him call me when he got to his mom's house that night. I wanted the info then because I think it is a good idea for someone to have your flight info/intinerary when you go somewhere. we have a good friend who left boston for LAX on 9/11, and he didn't leave his wife his flight info...trust me, it wasn't good. she didn't even know the airline he was on. thankfully, he was fine, but lesson learned.
anyway, i told him he could give it to his mom or whatever, just so long as someone had it. I almost mentioned ow's name, but didn't. for all I know she is going...don't think so, but don't know, don't care. he said he'd send it to me...whatever. I actually would rather he send it to his mom, but hey, I'll just stick the e-mail in a folder and forget about it unless it is needed (god forbid).
so that was that. he did bring the oprah tape, didn't say if he watched it and I didn't ask. when I was at the gym he took a ton of dvd's with him. not sure exactly which, he didn't tell me, I just noticed they were gone after he left. he also found his stuff in the closet in the basement where I moved it (box of cd's was rifled thru). I didn't mistreat any of his stuff, just have stuck it out of sight/out of my way. oh, and yeah, a ton of cookies were gone when I got back, too, but hey, at least he left some for the kids. maybe I'll keep on baking his favorite stuff and he'll get good and fat for ow. lol.
not much else to tell. my new flannel sheets came and I washed them and am off to put them on my bed. so I what if I don't have a man to keep me warm this winter...who needs one?!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I put my flannel sheets on awhile ago. It helps but not the same as hot feet and hairy legs to warm my feet.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
wow, there is nothing better than flannel sheets and a down comforter on a cold night. well, okay, yeah there is, but hey, its the best I can do right now, so am taking what I can get. lovely, just lovely.
h and I have been e-mailing a bit about christmas stuff. its all so very civilized. e-mail works for us. still, sad. just sad. not sad that its civilized, that part is good, it all just sucks. everything is oh so wonderful for him isn't it? he gets the girl he loves, everything else falls nicely into place for him. all is oh so accomodating.
ugh.
just feeling a bit bitter today. not too bad, bitter might be too strong a word even. it just must be nice to be him. but then I look around at what I have...I may not have a job that pays well or someone who loves me, but I have my health and my kids.
I should be grateful that we are on the same page with the kids for most things. I know how much some of you struggle with that stuff, and that has to be hard. instead of bitter, I should be happy.
well, I do have some good news...found someone to take a look at the shed roof. hopefully it isn't too big a deal or too much $. fingers crossed!
not much else to tell. no gym, the twins have colds so can't take them to the playroom. hopefully they will be better by tomorrow. knock wood. its a beautiful sunny day out, and h leaves for vegas so I have a few days w/o having to see him at all. and, because vegas is vegas, likely won't hear from him all that much.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Glad the emails are cordial, but I get ya on the whole thing. Of course, you would prefer the emails to be cordial, but its not what you want. What you want isn't in front of you right now.
Quote:
everything is oh so wonderful for him isn't it? he gets the girl he loves, everything else falls nicely into place for him. all is oh so accomodating
You have to remember this is only what you see, what you speculate. You have seen proof (H's appearance at times, and his crying bouts) that he is nowhere near happy. Selfish? Yes. Happy? I doubt it.
Sorry about the colds, hope your day goes well.
PS: I was so upset yesterday because D3 wet my bed and H had to remove my new flannel sheets and wash them. My boring old cotton sheets were soooo cold last night.
oh man, lwb, that sucks. yuck. so I should take it that D3 isn't quite in her bed all night yet?
(granted, I'm still in shock that your h removed the sheets and washed them...I guess I've gotten used to H not being here/not doing a freaking thing around here. he doesn't even pull the recycling bins up to the garage any more if they are on the curb when he comes over).
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
morgan, that is correct. H is slacking. He lets them fall asleep in our/my bed, then I have asked him to move them to their beds later. If I move them at 2am, they totally wake up and want to stay. I don't fight because I just want sleep. lol But if he would move them in their deep sleep (early on in the night), they would be totally fine. I haven't said anything yet, because I don't think he is deliberately ignoring my requests, he just falls asleep at night (works 4am-6pm basically 4 days a week) and then only wakes up when I open the garage door.
And yes, he removed everything down to the waterproof (phew!) mattress pad and comforter and remade the entire thing. I appreciated this, he could have just left the stripped bed, or even the mess for me to clean up.
