When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

I wonder if what you're sensing from your H (yes, I'm a fellow "analyzer" ) is just more realization on his part of how much he hurt you???

That's when my H seems more reserved.

Hey SB -- I think you may be right. I realized last night that H's distance was not anything different than when we have a fight and he gets mad or hurt (at himself, at me, whatever). I think I was getting all wrapped up in my own drama and convincing myself that it was MORE than that.

We went to the movies last night -- saw "Tears of the Sun" -- not a particularly good movie but it gave me and H. some time to get out, hang out together, etc. There was still a bit of reservation/hesitancy -- probably on both of our parts! Regardless, we had a good night.

This morning the world looks very bright! H called me first thing "I just called to say 'I Love You'" he sang! He sounded upbeat and reconnected.

This is a blessing for me. I have another chance to work through the fear I have when he is loving -- when things are going well. This may seem SO perverse to you all (well, except for those of you who share my 'worst case scenario' mindset) but as horrible as the down cycles are -- I find myself reeling in fear and suspicion when things are GOOD -- maybe even more than when they are bad.

I have opportunity to embrace his love. To appreciate the big and small gestures he gives to me every day. To work through my fear and mistrust of what is "good" and revel in who he is and what we have created together. I am so proud of my H. I hope that he knows that.

During meditation this morning, I realized that one of the things that I yearn for with H. is to feel "needed" by him. I don't really -- I'm not overtly a confidant for him or a guide. This is just FYI -- I don't think it's a good or bad thing that I've identified this -- it was just the first time it occurred to me that sometimes when I feel sad it's due to that feeling. An important note to me is that H. may need me in a thousand different ways that I do not recognize. Another important note is that the way that he loves me is whole, unique and just right. I do not need to look for more than that. I'm not sure I'm making sense -- just journalling!!!

Sage

[shinybear]

You're making perfect sense!

Shiny

[Jeannine]

Ahhh Sage,

Your H tells you that he REALLY LOVES YOU AND TOUCHES YOUR FACE, he even sings to you. I'm looking for some Kleenex.
This is wonderful stuff.

Perhaps your sadness and confusion comes from a fear of being kicked out of the rose garden again. The "what if's" begin to circle and snarl when the sun comes out.

I can't really adivse on this as I have not conquered my "what if's" and the fear that they bring into my life.

But Gads Sweetie! You've got some wonderful things happening. I'm inclined to say "Cheers".

Also, I wanted to say that some of your posts are so funny, you make me laugh and that is no small feat at this time in my life.

Jeannine

[Kelli]

Thanks for helping me make it through today.

[sage]

Hey guys,

Thanks all for stopping by my thread and offering continuing support! Jeannine, I'm glad that I can occasionally bring a smile to your face! You are an inspiration to me with your strength and generousity.

So, feeling good today! Grounded and "in touch" with myself as strange as that may seem. I'm feeling very grateful for H's love and presence. Last night as we were falling asleep I gave a silent thanks for that moment, right then and there.

Had school last night which has been a trouble spot for me -- last night I did fine, though. No nagging doubts or obsessions. H. sent me a few emails while I was in class which always helps.

H. has been making plans for house/backyard stuff which is very exciting to me! I love that he is focusing on our life/home!

Got a very passionate goodbye kiss this morning. Hoping it's a sign of things to look forward to...IF you know what I mean!! we're off to a concert tonight (Lyle Lovett) and H. called this morning with a pre-concert "dinner and drinks" plan.


I am feeling good and feeling mighty lucky and appreciative!

Sage

[Jeannine]

I think that when H plans recreational time with W it is a healthy sign, as is plans for doing projects at home.

I see all kinds of good stuff oozing (or maybe blossoming would be more poetic) from you sitch. H really seems to be opening up to you now.

Bet your body has a new batch of chemicals dancing through your system now.

Stick with it, I think you're on the homerun now.

Jeannine

[jethro]

Hey Sage.

I realized that one of the things that I yearn for with H. is to feel "needed" by him.

I do understand what you are saying. I suspect, Sage, that you provide many things to your H that you don't realize he "requires." I kind of feel the same way about my W, and I do know that there are things I do for her that she would miss otherwise. I think that's one of the reasons your H stuck around (even during the A), and I believe, is the same reason my W stuck around during her "wanderings." In essence, we were feeding some of those "love languages."

An important note to me is that H. may need me in a thousand different ways that I do not recognize.

Have fun at the concert tonight.

jethro

[erinr]

Good Afternoon Sage,

Sorry I haven't been around in awhile. Looks like you've had plenty of great company, though!

This is a response to a post a couple of days ago. you said:

This is a blessing for me. I have another chance to work through the fear I have when he is loving -- when things are going well. This may seem SO perverse to you all (well, except for those of you who share my 'worst case scenario' mindset) but as horrible as the down cycles are -- I find myself reeling in fear and suspicion when things are GOOD -- maybe even more than when they are bad.

I gotta say, I am totally a worst-case scenario person and totally know how you feel. IT is so weird how when things are good, the smallest thing can bring you crashing down. I find it incredibly annoying. Nothing short of 2x4's tends to make me snap out of it. AT least you're getting better at ignoring those feelings.

You have so much going great! I'm absolutely thrilled for you and for your H. Keep up this awesome trend.

Erin

[shinybear]

Hi Sage!

How was the concert?

Thanks for checking in on me and prodding me for details. My latest post is a bit more substantive.

I can feel in your posts, the peace and calm and "mindfulness" of emotional alchemy. Excellent!

Shiny

[sage]

Hey guys,

Just waiting around for our friends to arrive for the champagne tasting...we have a case of champagne (different wineries, different types, array of prices) and I made a few things for food -- grilled garlic and rosemary shrimp (H did the grilling!) and leek and pear turnovers. Others will be bringing food too, so it should be good!

The concert was a bit disappointing. I love Lyle Lovett but he was playing with 3 other people -- they took turns singing songs (one after another) which made it seemed sort of lame. Of course, when Lyle was signing, it was great!

H has been a nudge since last night -- or is it me? We had a nice meal and drinks before the concert. Today I've been busy cooking and he's been busy cleaning (thank goodness for that! I am a slob). I don't know -- he's just been nitpicky and a bit of a, well, dick. I finally told him that he's been hypercritical all day and he apologized. Where the loving and romantic H of a few days ago? Now he just seems irritable to be around me.

Sage