H has left have I Done the right thing

[Evie]

A - thanks for making me see thinks clearer. I realise it maybe baby steps forward now. To be honest I like to talk to him, it keeps the connection as you said.

I had sent H a text last night thanking him for taking boys and D2 to the cinema earlier in the evening, that they had been looking forward to it all week and that he was a brilliant dad. I had a reply from him which said i was a fab mom and he always wanted to be part of the d's lifes that he loved them but he did feel differently towards them than he did towards our boys, he was sorry, he couldn't explain it.

I texted back and said he mustn't beat himself up about it, it was normal, his blood is in the boys the bond is bound to be deeper and stronger. I said the girls loved him very much and we have always appreciated his love and support and that they were a credit to us both and that I couldn't have done it without him, that we have the same values etc.

He said he was very proud of them and glad they were his step daughters and he would always try and include them in things he did. I don't know what he is trying to say, I hope they are not the main reason for our seperation. It sounds like he is looking into the future and the girls and I are not part of it. I know he feels he has been taken advantage of by my xh, but why should i be penalised????

He called again today to tell me he had put a curtain pole up for me. I thanked him loads and said how much i appreciated it. I'll call him later tonight, good excuse to as the boys are with him.

Maybe we're not moving forward to piecing as that is months off if at all, but at least I keep a connection?? I asked him about his place today and he seemed pleased to talk about it and he told me that the landlady had added a table and chairs and a cooker ring (previously only had a microwave). It is H's birthday on the 12th so I have framed a picture of the boys for him to hang on his wall.

I would like him to have luch on a Sunday with us, last week I said I had plenty and he was more than welcome to stay, which he did. Do i continue in this vain or leave it for this week?

Hope you have agreat w/end.

XD

[cat03]

I think you are doing great hon, keep up the good work)))))

[Evie]

thanks, one question - if we are separated, arn't we supposed to have no contact? Why does he keep phoning and texting me? I thought he moved out for space etc?

XD

[azhira]

I'm supposed to be divorced.

xh and I, uh, talk about a dozen times a day. Sometimes I actually forget that we're not together. How odd is that??

Anyway, quit trying to follow some silly rule you think you're supposed to...and go with what works. You want to work on your communication and M in the long run, right? Well, at some point, that means talking with your H again. After all, it doesn't go from completely apart to suddenly back together. It's usually more gradual than that.

So...my point is...it sounds like you've both cooled off some and are interacting better than you were before. Why not just go with flow, and see where it leads?

[Evie]

Hi,

Yes, what you say makes a lot of sense.

But now i'm cross with him, because everything seems to have fallen into place for him. As long as he can see the boys when his work allows, he's happy, the obstacle to that is me.

Remember he wouldn't come out for dinner to discuss access etc?well now he wants to 'thrash' it out this week. I have said I will be as flexible as I can, but I did want to have some structure (alternate w/ends) so that I knew where I stood and could make arrangements. But it appears as if he wants me to work around his work schedule?? Monday to Friday is ok, but it's complicated, we run our own business at the w/ends and he wants me to be around when he is working and then have the boys inbetween, that would mean i have a 4 hour window free on a saturday? I have said he will have to make arrangements for the boys, which didn't go down to well.

Any ideas on how to handle this as amicably as possible, considering i feel angry with him atm?

XD

[azhira]

Yeah, no pointers here. I suspect I'm going to have an equally bad talk with xh about this soon.

Is there some way you can vent the anger before you talk to him?

[Evie]

yeah, calmed down a lot.

I have spoken to H regarding access for this week, that was sorted out very amecably. It does seem to me that H wants the kids the whole time he is not working (normal i guess) but I just feel that I don't matter, i'm worthless but good to childmind while he is at work and that if right now something were to happen to me it would be no great loss to him. I'm sure he would be really hurt if he thought that was what I was thinking. I know I need to re-build my own life to become a better more whole person.

One thing I have learnt is to not rush into anything, be that decisions or answers. I also need to listen more. My H said last night that a co-worker asked him if he was ok because he didn't seem himself. I didn't say anything for fear of saying something sarcastic (old behaviour) what I should have said was something like 'maybe your co-worker thought you seemed a bit distracted', but i have never thought that quickly, unfortunately.

Bought a book today called 'getting back together' - how to reconcile with your partner and make it last.

I was going to join the new KLA group, but didn't get the CD's in time. So will read the posts for now.

I believe the separation is giving me space from the pressure of being in a needy & unfulfilled R and I hope I will become much stronger over time, although atm i'm so busy that I don't have time to sit and reflect on the R and what was our individual behaviour that got us to this point was. Right now I don't know how i feel. I read recently that 'it was better to alone than lonely with a man' and that sums up how I feel, I have not had affection or a bond/connection with my H since our son was born 4 years ago, so the R justs feels the same except that H is not living under the same roof, although communication is getting better (not R stuff tho). I hope the S helps him realise that he still loves me deep down and would like in time to get back together. Hope that make sense?

One thing i don't understand with H is the amount of communication we have now. Over the last 6 months he hardly contacted me at all. Now he contact me so much that sometimes i want to shout 'leave me alone, give me space'.....He seems to contact me over anything and everything. I don't contact H at all unless neccessary or to thanks him for something kind he has done.

I don't know if i'm making progress or not, I really don't know what to think????

XD

[Evie]

yeah, calmed down a lot.

I have spoken to H regarding access for this week, that was sorted out very amecably. It does seem to me that H wants the kids the whole time he is not working (normal i guess) but I just feel that I don't matter, i'm worthless but good to childmind while he is at work and that if right now something were to happen to me it would be no great loss to him. I'm sure he would be really hurt if he thought that was what I was thinking. I know I need to re-build my own life to become a better more whole person.

One thing I have learnt is to not rush into anything, be that decisions or answers. I also need to listen more. My H said last night that a co-worker asked him if he was ok because he didn't seem himself. I didn't say anything for fear of saying something sarcastic (old behaviour) what I should have said was something like 'maybe your co-worker thought you seemed a bit distracted', but i have never thought that quickly, unfortunately.

Bought a book today called 'getting back together' - how to reconcile with your partner and make it last.

I was going to join the new KLA group, but didn't get the CD's in time. So will read the posts for now.

I believe the separation is giving me space from the pressure of being in a needy & unfulfilled R and I hope I will become much stronger over time, although atm i'm so busy that I don't have time to sit and reflect on the R and what was our individual behaviour that got us to this point was. Right now I don't know how i feel. I read recently that 'it was better to alone than lonely with a man' and that sums up how I feel, I have not had affection or a bond/connection with my H since our son was born 4 years ago, so the R justs feels the same except that H is not living under the same roof, although communication is getting better (not R stuff tho). I hope the S helps him realise that he still loves me deep down and would like in time to get back together. Hope that make sense?

One thing i don't understand with H is the amount of communication we have now. Over the last 6 months he hardly contacted me at all. Now he contact me so much that sometimes i want to shout 'leave me alone, give me space'.....He seems to contact me over anything and everything. I don't contact H at all unless neccessary or to thanks him for something kind he has done.

I don't know if i'm making progress or not, I really don't know what to think????

XD

[azhira]

Bought a book today called 'getting back together' - how to reconcile with your partner and make it last.

I read that one a few years back. I believe it's cited as one of the sources in DR. I liked it. Felt very peaceful reading it.

Over the last 6 months he hardly contacted me at all. Now he contact me so much that sometimes i want to shout 'leave me alone, give me space'.....

xh and I have the same pattern. I am less lonely 'divorced' from him than when we were married. I am not sure what that is about...

My expectations?

His expectations?

Change in communication patterns?

Just some things to think about...

You are making progress. You sound better. That's the most important thing. You need to figure out how to be you, how to satisfy you, before you can tackle the R thing.

Oh...my guess is...he just wants to spend a lot of time with the kids. xh is the same way with our little boy. Chalk it up to him being a good dad, and encourage it.

[Evie]

I was feeling better, lulled into a sense of false security!!Ok until I have to deal with the next hurdle.

We managed to sort out access, Cat advised me not to rely on him too much because I would be dissapointed if he let me down. I did wanted a couple of days where H didn't have to come round and I could just be on my own. That will definately be a MOnday and maybe a Wednesday but apart from that he will be involved most days.

Had a bit of a wobble yesterday. H called me at work to say that a couple of colleagues knew we had split up, it will be only a matter of time before it gets to my dept. Our receptionist is the worst gossip ever. I feel like sending an email to them all to tell them and put a stop to the gossip before it starts but i'm not going to.

Also H told me that his female friend - the one I thought he was maybe emotionally involved with - had left her husband....I hope you can imagine my panic!! It turns out he has been deceiptful and physically abusive she had been living with her sons in one room with sofa pushed up against the door, she had to get out.

The advice everywhere i read is that boundaries need to set early in a S. We hadn't done that, we were just dealing with problems as they arose, but the news that she had left her H sent me into complete turmoil and I was making up things in my Head!!!!

Anyway, I had to say something to H which I wasn't ready to say at this point. I told him I would find it really difficult to cope with right now if he was seeing ow or anyone else. H said he wasn't seeing ow or anyone else and the last thing he wanted was a R?
XD