When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

I wonder if what you're sensing from your H (yes, I'm a fellow "analyzer" ) is just more realization on his part of how much he hurt you???

That's when my H seems more reserved.

Hey SB -- I think you may be right. I realized last night that H's distance was not anything different than when we have a fight and he gets mad or hurt (at himself, at me, whatever). I think I was getting all wrapped up in my own drama and convincing myself that it was MORE than that.

We went to the movies last night -- saw "Tears of the Sun" -- not a particularly good movie but it gave me and H. some time to get out, hang out together, etc. There was still a bit of reservation/hesitancy -- probably on both of our parts! Regardless, we had a good night.

This morning the world looks very bright! H called me first thing "I just called to say 'I Love You'" he sang! He sounded upbeat and reconnected.

This is a blessing for me. I have another chance to work through the fear I have when he is loving -- when things are going well. This may seem SO perverse to you all (well, except for those of you who share my 'worst case scenario' mindset) but as horrible as the down cycles are -- I find myself reeling in fear and suspicion when things are GOOD -- maybe even more than when they are bad.

I have opportunity to embrace his love. To appreciate the big and small gestures he gives to me every day. To work through my fear and mistrust of what is "good" and revel in who he is and what we have created together. I am so proud of my H. I hope that he knows that.

During meditation this morning, I realized that one of the things that I yearn for with H. is to feel "needed" by him. I don't really -- I'm not overtly a confidant for him or a guide. This is just FYI -- I don't think it's a good or bad thing that I've identified this -- it was just the first time it occurred to me that sometimes when I feel sad it's due to that feeling. An important note to me is that H. may need me in a thousand different ways that I do not recognize. Another important note is that the way that he loves me is whole, unique and just right. I do not need to look for more than that. I'm not sure I'm making sense -- just journalling!!!

Sage