No energy to type up my own thoughts at the moment. Spent the day saying goodbye, not sure how long she has left. I hope to make it to 96 with my mind intact.
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Now that I'm feeling pretty good about all that, excited thinking about the kind of R I'd like to have, I'm not sure H is up to it.
Honestly, I feel the same way about my W. I think she's up to it, but not 100% sure.
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The truth is, I wonder whether it wouldn't be easier with someone else. I know that's typical WAS stuff, but that's where I am right now.
In many ways, you're absolutely right. It WOULD be easier to start over with someone new. Good lord, chucking the baggage I have iwth my W and deciding to begin the search for someone new is very appealing. That said, working through all of that shyte could lead to a very appealling and deeply satisfying R. Getting there . . . man, that would/will take a lot of effort.
Your question seems to imply that you wonder less about whether I can be happy with H than whether I'll prove capable of opening up. Is that it?
Actually, the two are intertwined. One, as you say, can your H give you what you want? Second, can you be emotionally as open as you'd like to be with him? Seems to me you're dedicated to being a more open, emotional person with whoever eventually becomes your partner for the rest of your life -- your H, earth mother christener, crazy XH of COW (:)), etc. As nuts as all of our lives are just now, you could open up and find that your H is the man of your dreams, open up and find out he can't give you what you want, not open up with him because of his behavior and miss an opportunity to be happy, or open up to your H in a way that leaves you open to a future R with someone else that will be fulfilling on every level. My guess is you're going for either 1 or 4 there.
If it helps, CVA, I'll start wearing sexy underwear too. Thong, thethong thong thong thong.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
