Hey SB -- Thanks for the feedback on "Emotional Alchemy" -- especially the hint about jumping to the meat of the matter!

As for the absent "ilys" -- it's not that I think H was up to anything suspicious -- just that I think our R. talks of last week set us back a bit and that bums me out. I described it to my C. as "we took off the bandaid and checked on the wound"....I guess that could make the wound hurt a bit more than usual, right?

Things feel really weird at home. The best way I can describe it is that H. seems to be walking around with some short of space shield around him. OK -- that's a crappy way to describe it! Um, he seems very emotionally and physically distant from me but not in a mad way but a sad one? Ah, crud -- go back to the space shield analogy.

We went out to pick up the champagne last night and then out to dinner. H. seemed reserved, cautious -- or perhaps he just had a significant case of itchy butt! I'm sure I didn't do the greatest "as if" modelling -- I tried to be upbeat w/o being too peppy or pressuring. At the same time, I felt sad and confused inside -- no doubt some of that came out.

What was kind of strange, though, was that after this sort of reserved evening, H. said "I really love you" after we got into bed and his voice was so full of emotion. Then, this morning, I woke up around 4:30am (alarm was set for 5am since we go to the gym in the AM -- that will make Shinybear COMPLETELY FREAK!!! ). I woke up because he was turned towards me touching my face! I figured that I must have been snoring or hogging the bed or something so I asked "what's up" and he said "just this" and kissed me a few times. Didn't go any further than that ... (was that what he was looking for? If so, I'm sorry I didn't pick up on it sooner! ) It was a very tender moment.

So..this morning I'm feeling somewhat sad and confused. I did a mindfulness meditation and that settled me quite a bit! Hooray! Sent H. an email asking if he wanted to see a movie tonight -- probably a better idea than us milling around each other wondering what the other is thinking.

I'm trying not to spend too much time contemplating what's going on for him -- mostly because it's a cheeseless tunnel. I hope he knows how much I love him is all.

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.