Yes, my husband is on his way back home, well for awhile, anyway. He is putting the boat on "the hard" for the winter and driving back here to live with me until he starts school next summer. What a complete change from last year @ this time when he attempted to sail across the Atlantic, but only got as far as Bermuda. Bad weather forced him back - there must be a God.
We've talked about our future together. He seems really gung ho about it. Now, I know that is the bipolar thing talking. He wants to start a family again (it would have to be a donor egg @ this point). We tried adoption in 05 - 06, but he doesn't have the patience for that process.
Can't quite describe how I feel about his return. My head tells me to be happy, but my heart isn't so sure. He has made the comical comment that he is going to be paying for this for a long time. I laughed and laughed and of course agreed whole heartedly!!
What concerns me the most is the money. The money he gave me is now all but gone. Fortunately my salary was doubled temporarily for about a year to work on this project out of town. The project is about to come to an end I will go back to working for peanuts (but I did just get a 10% raise, which will take some of the sting out). Yet, that old salary + 10% will still not cover the huge mortgages on a big house. He knows this. He says he has a plan.
He has been unemployed for 1.5 years now since he has been aimlessly floating on a boat (well he did interview for school). There are tens of thousands of dollars of unpaid bills of his (fortunately my credit has not been affected). So, I just can't imagine what his plan would be. I am afraid to ask.
So, I think I must look for a better paying job that can match what I am making now with double my normal salary. That would be the only way I could keep the house,which has been on the market for over a year now. He picked a really bad time to wack out.
He asked me what would make me happy - it was a long list. My top pick was a maid. 2nd was a husband that lives with me that can honestly disclose his financial situation. I also asked for a new wedding ring to symbolize our new marriage. He says he intends to provide everything on my "happy list". That will be the day!!
Any advice from those of you with return-again spouses? I'm not even sure I want him here, which is a strange feeling. But, I told him I am willing to try again. I know he will help out with the pets and chores which will be welcomed. It has been difficult since I inherited all of his "stuff" that needs taken care of. Yes, he will be paying for this for a long time - like the rest of his life!!
Deb
Joy and Sorrow...when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed. ~Kahlil Gibran
Me: 46 H: 45 Married: 5.0+ years Bomb: May 17, 2006 0 living children, 2 babies in heaven 1 dog, 2 cats
I didn't save my marriage, but I see the struggles that people have. The reason my marriage wasn't saved went back before the big bomb. I came home before things were fixed. Very much like the endeavor you are about to undertake with your H.
I am going to sum up your situation. 1) H leaves you holding the bag. 2) H used up everything he had. 3) Now he needs someone to take care of him and pay his bills.
Nothing has been fixed. You want to make him pay. make him fix him self before he comes home. That means getting a job and paying his own bills before he comes home. That means the "happy list" should be the minimum for him to return. And if he does that, then you will really have a chance for a stable relationship with this nut...sorry, man.
all I have to say is... you said "I'm not even sure if I want him here" If you are not sure you want him there then don't have him there. Would you have married him in the first place if you were unsure about it? Don't have him come "home" until you are at least 95% certain you want him there with you.
........ 2) H used up everything he had. 3) Now he needs someone to take care of him and pay his bills. .............. Nothing has been fixed. That means getting a job and paying his own bills before he comes home. That means the "happy list" should be the minimum for him to return.
IMP - I agree nothing has been fixed. He hasn't yet told me what he plans to do about the bipolar disorder. I gave him 6 months to figure it out.
I do not think he has used up everything he had and that he needs me to pay the bills. He still has money left to attend school. He just doesn't tell me where it's @ or exactly how much it is.
He did have a part time job as an intern in a restaurant in order to get a recommendation for school @ CIA. He plans to get another part-time job here for the same purpose. He does plan to @ least help me with the apartment bills, but it's the big custom house bill that I am worried about.
Yes, I agree, the "happy list" should be the minimum for him to return. Perhaps that is why he quickly agreed to do everything on the list.
Thanks for your input.
Deb
Joy and Sorrow...when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed. ~Kahlil Gibran
Me: 46 H: 45 Married: 5.0+ years Bomb: May 17, 2006 0 living children, 2 babies in heaven 1 dog, 2 cats
New York or California? Of course, what does it matter. He won't be in Denver.
This is confusing. If you have a house, why do you need an apartment?
IMP - Thank you for the response.
It's NY CIA. He's taking the boat down the east coast right now.
I live in 2 places (Denver and St. Louis). The house is in Denver and the apartment, where I work, is in STL. After this project is over, I will be moving back to Denver.
I think one of the big reasons he is coming back right now is because he likes this area of STL. It's new to him. But, we are planning on spending Thanksgiving in Denver @ the house.
Now, a question for you:
When you went back home without things being fixed, were you aware of how dangerous that was? I've read the same thing and my counsler said the same thing, as well.
He said he wants to repair some damage and speak with a pychycitrist, also settle with his creditors and the IRS, while he is living here with me. Said he wants some normalicy.
Deb
Joy and Sorrow...when one sits alone with you at your board, remember the other is asleep upon your bed. ~Kahlil Gibran
Me: 46 H: 45 Married: 5.0+ years Bomb: May 17, 2006 0 living children, 2 babies in heaven 1 dog, 2 cats
When you went back home without things being fixed, were you aware of how dangerous that was?
No. I wasn't perfect, and when she asked me to come home, I assumed (wrongly, of course) that she was just going to accept me, especially since I had a new plan.
