When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

Hi all,

Just a forewarning that this is going to be an analytical post -- the kind that would make my H's head explode if he saw it ("See, this is exactly what I mean! Why can't you let things be?) I guess that's why I'm posting it here in lieu of discussing it with him!

I also want to get off of my chest that I am sad right now. I'm also very hopeful -- and that will be the focus -- but there's a part of me that is feeling very scared for my M.



I've been lucky enough and worked hard enough at DB'ing to have seen some amazing changes in my M. over the last 4 months since the Bomb. I've managed to survive without losing my mind and H. has shown me so much love and energy and intimacy that it has blown my mind. It hasn't been a linear process in the least -- there have been stops and starts and I've blown it on more than one occasion -- but I'd say without reservation that we have moved our R. up more than a few steps to a place where we enjoy each other's company again. Actually, truth be told, there are now aspects of our M. that are far superior to our M. at ANY point -- H's willingness to participate in the partnership is one example.

Now that the din of "Do we love each other anymore" has quieted, other things are being heard. Areas that were hidden in crisis mode are now exposed. H has been telling me loudly and clearly how he feels about "us" and as I've said before -- his assessment has reinforced the things that I had determined for myself. It's scarier and harder to hear them from him...but, the way is clear.

I think the primary statement that H would make is that despite all of the good stuff that has been going on, "Sage is still not happy" and then he would add his editorial comment "and never will be". This is the kick in the pants that I've needed to see that I've remained mired in sadness and fear. That I haven't truly forgiven him for the A. That I haven't forgiven myself for the self-perception that I am flawed so drastically that I drove him to it. That I have clearly not forgive ow for her part in this sorded sitch. My lack of forgiveness keeps me revisiting and questioning. I'm not sure where I am with coming to closure but I know that I need to do it. H. has helped with the R talks of last week. IMHO, the consulting assignment for H. is the universe giving me an opportunity to let go.

The strongest message that I'm getting from H. is that he is feeling the pressure of being married to me. This is a byproduct of so many things -- my anxiety and fear (primary root cause is my lack of belief in myself, secondary cause is my inability to let go of A), my overanalyzation of everything (case in point here -- right? Same root causes -- an attempt to control the sitch that cannot be controlled) and just my general dependence/pressure on him -- lots of this is due to my lack of self, some is due to the fact that I was so focused on H and M that I stopped doing things outside of our M, some of it is the residual "there must be something to fix here" mantra that I've embraced for so long.

So...lots of musings but where are the actions? Here's a synopsis of what I've said above. What adjectives would H. use to describe me now?:

Anxious
Nervous
Unhappy
Overanalyzing
Dependent
Pressuring
Angry
Full of Expectation
A time bomb waiting to go off
Never satisfied

What actions can I be taking to offset the above? What are my 180s? I think they boil down to a few key elements:

1. I need to let go of A., let go of mistrust and desire to control and move forward in a trusting way. (Will add actions..)

2. I need to "get a life" so that I'm not in H's hip pocket. Concretely -- I need to back off from him -- I've been VERY much "in his face" in terms of demanding affection, intimacy, etc. Letting him take the lead was working great -- gotta get back there.

3. I need a way to work through my emotions myself -- like, the other night when H was checking email. What could I have done that would have made ME feel better? Him?

4. I need to figure out a non-destructive way to articulate my feelings when they're appropriate to express. The "ticking time bomb" stuff has got to stop.

I'm not sure how clear I've made this (it was a lot more clear in my head!) but I know it's long. Gonna wrap it up and post a new post on ACTIONS.

Sage