When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

I'm all over the map today....

I went out to the mall shopping so I had some time to myself. On the way home I came to this realization...

My H. has shown me over the last few months that he IS willing to be an equal partner in this M. So many of the behaviors that felt unbearable to me (withholding, not interested in our future, not interested in the house, cleaning, our finances, etc) are gone.

Do you ever ask yourself this question -- if I won the lottery tomorrow, would I stay married? 8 months ago I think I would have wavered on the answer -- (note that my M. isn't about money the lottery aspect is just to imply that I could create a new life anywhere, anyhow). Asking myself that question today, the answer is a solid YES.

He is present. He is trying every day. He has unblocked so many of his issues -- all of them? probably not -- but he is acting invested in our M. in a way that he never has.

If I stay mired in this state, I will lose what I have wanted. I believe that I WILL drive him away. Not that it isn't fair to be sad and angry during the healing process. Of course it is, but, I'm stuck way more than he is right now.

My H wants a M that is relaxed and loving and unchaotic. For a long time, my anger was centered around the fact that he seemed unable to connect with me -- so much of that seems to be gone -- and yet my anger remains.

I'm not beating myself up here -- I just came to the recognition today that I need to strengthen myself. I need to get away from the fear and anxiety which clouds my days.

I have a C appt tomorrow -- we'd been focusing on the A and how it's made me feel. I'm not even interested in talking about ow tomorrow. It's time to take the focus off of everything and everyone else and put it on me.

Sage