new here. Feel like dying

[cat03]

I thinkk you are heading in the right direction!

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he said he didn't care how I felt.
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yea,he's bound to say all sorts of things, remember, DON"T believe anything you hear!

Just talked to him as you talk to your neighbor or an acquantaince, just be polite, end with a "have a good night", stuff like that.

KEEP your 180's, and do NOT ask him back, it is too early, he needs to find out what it feels to be on the other side of the fence, that the grass isnt' greener.

When does he see the kids? he should have them somedays, you can't have all the fun he he. Plan a weekend day out, GAL.

[ms ladybug]

AUGH! I'm not good at this!!!
H sent me an email last night, stating his "condiitions" for moving back home. It was completely business-like. There was no mention of his feelings at all.
Let me cut and paste, so you can see how sweet it is...

If you can show me you are serious (i.e. Go to a psychiatrist with me and get a psychological evaluation, take medications if they are recommended, go to counseling on a regular basis, clean up, clean the upstairs) then, maybe, we can discuss reconciling our marriage.

The last time we separated and you started taking medicine and receiving counseling, you promptly stopped taking the medicine when I returned home. That is not acceptable. I will not return home if you can't show me you're serious. And I sure as hell won't stay if you go back on your word. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY THE LAST CHANCE YOU HAVE TO FIX THE PROBLEM.

In addition you have to be willing to discuss moving to Tennessee. You have to be willing to move if we can make it work. MY CONDITIONS ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE. I am your husband. I am the father of your children. I am your family. I don't like the idea of moving away, but if it means you can stay home with our children, our children can get a good education, our children will be raised without the gangs and drugs in Fresno, our children will be raised without all the multiculturalism, homosexual politics and other BS in California, I can get a job with which I can support you and get an education provided by an employer with which we can make a good living and not risk my safety to do it, then I think that something we should do. You have no reason not to trust me. I have always provided for you and our children. You owe me your trust and loyalty. If I can't have your absolute trust and loyalty then we're done.

If you are serious about fixing things and can accept my conditions then you let me know. Otherwise tell me you don't want to fix things and I'll proceed accordingly.


Isn't it full of love?? OK, at least it sounds like he wants to come home....but what is he, the union??

Then, last night he says he needs to come over and get a check from me. He comes over, takes a shower, eats, then falls asleep in our bed. Again, today, he come over here after work. I went to my Bible study and hear him on the phone with his friend, saying, "no, I'm only here to see the kids. We aren't getting back together, etc...". So, after the kids go to bed, I go get in the jacuzzi. After all, he's only there for the kids...
Then, we watch a little TV, the baby starts crying, I go in the baby's room and lay down with him and fall asleep.
Husband comes in there, wakes me up and tells me, "nothings changed! I come over here to spend time with you, and you fall asleep with the baby! You don't care. You haven't changed!" So, I told him that I heard his phone conversation that he was only here to see the kids, so what does it matter if I fall asleep with the baby, get in the jacuzzi, or anything else?!
He starts yelling that it was a mistake that he came over, he won't do it again, and nothing's changed!

IT'S TOO SOON!! HE was trying to come back TOO SOON!!!

Damn! Back to square ONE!

[cat03]

wow, where to begin...

Hon, you were still in square one from the beginning, his "trying to spend time with you" and "nothing's changed" statememts are BS. It takes TWO for things to go right, if he went with the "im going to test her" mentality of course you were going to fail on HIS eyes! He seems like he is a very very confused individual who wants things his way and his way only, you DON'T need to accept that, and I agree, it was way too soon.

My H and I went out for our anniversary 2 months after he left, on my part I saw it as a chance to try to repair our M, but on his end...oh boy, he told me (much later on) that he wanted to see if he "felt something". He was leaving it to chance, to see if, perhaps by magic or fate, he'd get some sort of a sign that he still loved or wanted me. Of course he got none of that, I looked very nice that day, tried to engage him in conversation... all the while he was quiet, and during the play we went to see he actually leaned over away from me, giving me his back, for the entire time. That is NOT the way one tries to heal an M.

He'd make Hitler proud. He can't impose over you his conditions. Of course you have reasons not to trust him, he keeps leaving! You don't owe him anything, trust is EARNED. From what I've seen you have been loyal, you havent' had other men nor abandoned your home.
The bible admonishes the wife to be submisive to her husband...BUT admonishes the man to love his wife and give his life for her, if a man loved me that much how could I not give him my total trust and loyalty? Your H is demanding that of you, he can't do that.

His comment about multiculturalism makes me things he's a bigot, so you got your work cut out for you. I highly recommend a third party, make an appt with a councelor or therapist (since he's actually willing to go to a psyquiatrist with you) NOW. Tell your H that you want to work things out but that it'd be better for both of you if you could discuss his terms it with a C present to keep the convo at a healthy level.
I always thought of myself as a rational person, but when R convos begin I came out as acerbic and defensive, jumped to conclusions and wouldnt' let my H speak.
So that's why I really REALLY think you both will benefit from a professional, and perhaps this person will also let your H know that the way he is trying to shove his terms down your throat isn't right.

As for what you overheard of his convo with his friend and how you reacted, my 2cents: I would also be hurt if I heard that, but I wouln't let HIM decide how * I * will behave. You stayed with the baby to show him you didn't care if he was home. But you did care that he was there right? you did what you did because you were hurt... and the way you reacted made things worse (by ignoring him) not better.

You have to ask yourself this EVERY time you are about to say or do something when you are hurt "is this going to make things worse or will it help?"

You are here because you want this to work, so NO more games, NO more sarcasm, clean yourself from these bad habits (I was a queen of sarcasm, it's a nasty habit).

He's bound to say all sorts of hurtful things, dont' let his behavior determine your frame of mind, you must be above all pettiness, take the higher road.

[ms ladybug]

I AM the queen of sarcasm (thank you for handing over that title), and I know he hates that.

My first response to his "conditions" was...well my first response was wanting to tell him where he could shove his conditions (but I didn't). I told him I have an appt with our marriage counselor on Friday, and perhaps we can discuss this then. He agreed to go.

Until last night. He now tells me that I can go by myself, he isn't going with me. DAMN! SO close to going together to MC. I was mad, so last night, I took his "conditions" email and replied stating that this sounds like a business agreement, NOT a marriage. Yes, not my finest moment, but there's plenty of those.

The statement about me seeing a psychiatrist with him is because he thinks I have depression. He asked me to get evaluated and put on medication. SO, I did. I saw a psychiatrist, got an evaluation, and was told, "you don't have depression. You're unhappy, specifically with your marriage, but you don't have depression. Medication aren't going to help you." Thank you very much! I went home and told h, and he was MAD! Oh, so mad that I went to this appt without him. Claims that I lied throught the whole thing! Now, he wants me to go again with HIM present! Dude, I DON'T have depression. Everyone that knows me knows that. I have mood swings, because YOU PISS ME OFF!!
Anyways, that's what that line was all about.
He wants me on medication. -that way I can be a Stepford wife.

[cat03]

hmmm, can your psychiatrist give you a written evaluation? I'm sure he won't mind. And even then your H might not believe it, because it doesn't agree with his thoughts. GO anyways, to the MC, you need to talk to a C pronto, your H is very toxic right now and you are very vulnerable.

I took his "conditions" email and replied stating that this sounds like a business agreement,
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and that is putting it mildly! you were very classy bu answering that way, I give you credit, most women would've told him he could cram those conditions where the sun don't shine.

He sounds so controlling, perhaps this separation IS for the best, for you to find what you really want and deserve in your M. Stay strong.

[ms ladybug]

I went ahead and made an appt with the psychiatrist. What sucks is that he's no longer covered by my insurance. So, it's going to cost $205.00 for me to say, "I told you so."
But, it will be well worth it if h DROPS the whole depression/mood swings mantra.
I'm keeping my MC appt for this Friday. I'm also printing up the "conditions" email for her to read. Maybe I'll drop it by her office beforehand so she can think about it.
I wish he'd come with me. I am kinda thinking that he is becoming VERY controlling. He may be using this as a way to get what he wants.
As for what I want, I really don't know. My Bible study group last night asked how they could pray for me, and I didn't know how to answer.
I want my marriage back, but he's got to change as well. I'll take full responsibility for myself, but man, I can't live the way we were.

[cat03]

can't you just get a statement from psychiatrist? I'm sure if you explain them the sitch they'll understand, specially if your insurance doesn't cover him anymore.

Does your H know you have the MC this friday? if he doesn't it gently let him know you are going and that it would be beneficial if he could come.

I pray that your H realizes he's being controlling and works with you and that you remain strong and don't settle for less than a M in which both of you have a saying on things and that you are both respected.

[ms ladybug]

I suggested the letter from the psychiatrist, but, h thinks that I lied during the eval (as if a psychiatrist wouldn't be able to see that), so he wants a re-do with him present so he can see if I answer the questions honestly. God, just typing that sounds really controlling. I resisted for a couple months on that one, saying that he should know I'm honest and doing a re-do would make it seem OK that he doesn't trust me. Finally, my mc counselor told me to just go. She said that Dr. S (she knows him) would see right through h, and h would finally drop it.

H knows about the mc appt friday. I told him about it when he first gave me his "conditions" email. I thought that would be a good place for us to discuss it. He said he'd probably go. Then, the other night, when we argued, he told me to go by myself. So, yes, he knows all about it.
I'm giving him space now, and maybe he'll cool off by then, but, not getting my hopes up.

I had to go to a class last night, so I gave h the kids for the night (he's staying at his parents). After I dropped them off, h called me to ask if I'd told d4 yet. I told him no, and he got really mad, "you're just waiting for me to do it aren't you?" I told him no. I suggested we tell her together, and he said, "Oh, that would make it easier on you, wouldn't it."
I said, "nothing is going to make telling d4 'easier'".
Then, he told be I was being a b****, and that's where we left off.

Yes, he needs time to cool down. He needs to not hear from me for a couple days. The only problem with not calling him, is that d4 calls him every evening to say "good-night". So, I pretty much have to say something to him then. I think tonight I'll just tell him, "good-night" as well.

[Dom R]

ladybug:


First off, let me say something positive:
I think it's great that you are going through with the counselling again, as he wanted.

The attitude that you write about it, along with what you have previously written about your marriage situation, makes me wonder about you, though.

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if you really want to have a good marriage.... you need to be willing to consider when you are wrong.

it doesnt sound like you are.
It sounds like you are only doing it to "prove your husband wrong", rather than allowing for any possibility that he could have legitimate concerns.

it sounds like your husband might (MIGHT!) have legitimate concerns... but rather than face them and evaluate them together, you are evading, and using intimacy-killing tactics like accusing your husband of "being controlling".

If someone isnt willing to discuss something openly and fairly ... just about ANYTHING can be stalled evaded/blocked with a "you're controlling" accusation.

Ok, so you avoided having to deal with the issue. congratulations... you avoided feeling uncomfortable with yourself.
didnt help your marriage any, though..

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You were on medication previously. You were on medication, because a medical professional determined that you should be taking medication.
you went off them when "things seemed better".
Your husband got really upset when you went off the meds.


This is classic behaviour of someone who does have depression, but makes their family miserable with their anger/depression/moodswings, because they dont take their medication regularly, even when they "feel ok".

Your husband may be right. You may well now know, from your previous experience, how to avoid giving "wrong answers"
and give "right" answers, to give a counsellor the impression that you are just fine and dont need help.

If you truely love your family... your husband and your children.... then for their sake, be willing to reconsider that you may be the one with the problem.

We have already established that you have a problem controlling your temper.
So there is very clearly SOME problem that you have to deal with, for the good of your family. It may or may not be depression. But, for the sake of your family, please drop the "there's nothing wrong with me, he has to change" mentality.

I'm not saying that your husband doesnt have his faults. I'm sure he does; we all do.
How about making sure that you do your best to fix what you have direct control over first though: yourself.

[Dom R]

ps:

h thinks that I lied during the eval (as if a psychiatrist wouldn't be able to see that),

psychiatrists are not mindreaders. Nor are they lie detectors.
They can only help someone, if that person is honest.
Going to talk to one, if you are not being up-front and honest about all related issues, is a waste of time and money.