When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

Hey guys,

WE saw "Spider" -- It was interesting and served the distraction purpose until we came home (late) and H. went in to check his email before coming to bed. He was only in there for a second and I'm sure there are thousands of things that he could have been checking for but it just turned my stomach. I did a lousy job of acting "as if" and went to be feeling and probably acting very sad. There's a tension here this morning.

I'm still struggling with just giving up control of this (obviously). I can feel the resistance here and I know that it is doing absolutely nothign to getting me toward my goal of a loving and stable M. I'm tired of basing how I feel about myself and my M. on how H. has behaved that day OR on how I've interpreted his behavior. Isn't he entitled to off moments? Aren't I? I read over my thread and thing "wow, there's so much good here" and then I get stuck in "does he love me. does he want me. how could he hurt me that way. why is he so intolerant of the time it's taking me/us to heal." etc.

So..what went well yesterday:
1. H. was talking about long term plans for the backyard. I love to hear him talk about things in the future. It gives me hope.

2. H. told me that he was very proud of me regarding my commitment to school. This was lovely to hear

3. We DID have a good night -- movie and dinner.

What didn't go well:
You already know.

I need to do something different. We're going to be like two ships passing in the night today -- as we have been for the past few days...maybe that's all it is, not enough quality time together.

As for the working together thing -- I'm going to use the short term job as a DB'ing opportunity. I'm not interested in H. having long term contact with ow through work and don't feel too badly about not wanting that. Simply put, there's no financial reason why he HAS to take a job there -- if he wants to go back to that type of work, he can get another job someplace else. I'm sure that's bad DB'ing -- but I don't see any reason for him to put himself in the line of fire, or me for that matter.

I once described the A. as "Sage working on her trust issues by taking a drink from a fire hose". Having H. work in the same place as ow would be going directly to the hydrant. I'm working hard enough as it is.

Sage