My husband just told me he planned and payed a trip to Rio, (it's kind of a tradition for us by this time of the year, but is usually 2 days, this one will be 6 days)during a long holiday we will have in my country.
He is so excited that he took the itinerary on his own hands(usually I do that). I just keep remembering myself now of our last big trip together during our anniversary that was a disaster. We used to take trips unconscionably to fix marital crisis. So, I am freaking out about the souvenirs of the latest one.
These trips to Rio hasn't been blemished yet and I do not know how to react other than freezing, because we have always had a great time there.
I don't want to expect anything. I do not want to rain in his parade and be a spoiled woman. But I am afraid some of the good times will not return that easily and that I will freak out.
I can't help myself. Before, when we went there I was kind of sure of his feelings and I didn't care about the good looking ladies around. It's not like I feel unattractive but it's like a competition between my city (Sao Paulo) and Rio just as New York and LA. It sounds superficial but how can I not be crazy with jealousy now that I know he thought and took action on someone else different than me?
Please, batter me on my shallowness. But any helpful thoughts?
Hurt, He is taking you! He chose you. If he wanted to go over there on a scouting trip for women he wouldn't take you. Go and have a wonderful time. Do a little shopping beforehand for sexy nighties. Make sure he watches you pack them. You'll have him looking forward to the nights!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Hurt, I think this is also his way of trying to make everything up to you. It shows in him taking the initiative and making the trip longer than usual. Go over there and think of it as second honeymoon.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
What a wonderful phrase, "please batter me". No, I will not batter you for your shallowness. Have a talk with him before you go about how you feel. That you have fears, and how they hurt you. He can put your mind to rest, and I'm sure he will. You are very lucky to have him back and wanting to be with you. Communication is the most important thing. The caveat is to talk about the feelings, not tell him what to do. If you do it wrong, I may have to batter you after all,.
oh hurt!! He planned this trip down to the little details, for YOU and HIM. Not by himself, not with someone else. This is good. I totally understand your hesitation, and like Sara, you will not be battered here. You are insecure about H, and this is his fault. He knows this, and is trying to meet you halfway. Take a few baby steps, you can do it. Talk to him, be excited about the trip, commend him on his planning, and let the trip help you guys become closer.
I loved the idea about the lingerie. I will do it. Yes, I guess I will have to concentrate on the positive things to control fear.
Thanks for the input about him choosing me. I was not thinking from this perspective.
I will also let him know about my feelings. I don't know however how to do that in a way that it doesn't sound like a cold shower.
Perhaps I could tell him that I do not want to compare this trip with the latest ones where we where trying to mend things, but I would like to think of it more like dating again and letting things flow to have a good time. May be with some flowers or wine basket and a card.
What do you think? Is it too soon to court him again?
I've just had a bad day yesterday. I kind of freak out because my H is so attached to his Blackberry. So he is even taking it with him to the bathroom. I was so mad at him when he did it last night that we had a fight. I told him it bothers me immensely and he said that if he hears about the "crazy girl" he is worried I think he is contacting her again so he wants to see if there's anything first hand. I told him I'd feel more comfortable without his filters. It would feel more genuine. We had this big fight where he asked me if I felt he was the lowest type in humanity. I could not say no. Then he told me if I really felt this way, he wouldn't be around to be the someone that made me so unhappy. I wanted to know if he'd change, and what made him change. He said he had this insight he appreciated me more than ever but he felt our marriage was going nowhere when he did those things. I asked him what why he did not tell me. He said that he did not want to hurt me. he said now he sees me like a woman not his best friend.He accused me of snooping still and that he didn't feel like being investigated no more. I said I wasn't snooping. Now he's concerned about me in the internet. We've left at that.
He is still making all these plans about our trip to Rio.
I am not coping to what changed his mind. He said that I am not different, he is. I am afraid his feelings are just a reflection of his A and when these feelings are over he will still look the other side.
But I had a better day today, about things I cannot change. My gut feeling says he is afraid of loosing me. And I do not know if I want to relieve from that.
I don't know what to tell you. Fear haunts us all. And asking for reassurance doesn't help. It takes time to rebuild trust. You need to practice trusting him and he needs to practice being trustworthy and trusting you. It is not easy. It's not easy for anyone. That's why they recommend not having affairs in the first place.
hurt, I suppose being transparent is NO filtering. I guess his motives were good, but still, I already hate cell phones, so I know what you mean. If H ever comes back to me, I think I'll give him a walkie talkie and keep his phone.
I am sorry about your fight. Seems piecing is very hard, even harder than not working things out at times, I am assuming that is why so many people give up. He is hurting, knows (finally sees!) how much he has hurt you and probably feels pretty low right now. Not to mention you are still hurt, and only time will lessen that. I am sorry!! Big bump in the road, but things have to be hashed out now and then.
