Update: I want to Salavage my Marriage

[cliffy]

Chris, I feel you on the drinking thing. That is something that I am sure she does not feel it a big deal, at least for my W it is not. I get anything from ILY to I am not sure to I missed you when she has been drinking.
Not that it is the main issue, but can become one. I quit drinking for many months because I know I wanted to "feel" the emotions instead of numbing them, my W has been drinking tons more.
Pullbacks are commonplace and suck everytime! Be strong in your convictions and the person you are becoming. It will all work itself out with clarity, keep pursuing that.

[Steel_Box]

Hey Chris,
I was checking in to see how things were, I'm glad to see the improvements. I've been the proverbial headless chicken lately so have not had much time to get on the board.

I hope things continue to improve. Keep doing what works.

Steel

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi Cliffy,

Since Monday she has been pretty mean to me. She says she regrets Monday night and will not be drunk around me anymore. That pullback really sucked becuase I saw Monday as a huge gain and now it is nothing.

Thanks for your kind words. I hope things work out for you.

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Heya Steel,

Two steps forward and one backward. That seems to be the way of the DB. Thanks for checking on me, I do appraicate it.

I hope things get better for you, man. I know you have had a real rough time of it these last few months.

Best,
--Chris

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hi All,

Well, more of the same. W is polite to me for the most part these days even manages a hug and kiss about once a day for me. She is still spending a lot of time away from home, though.

I am upset about one thing, however: some guy is calling her and texting her alot these days and she is doing the same to him. It is starting to make me very jealous, especially after I have been DB'ing for 6 months and trying so hard to keep my family together. Emotionally, I am really unready to deal with this added stressor.

Best,
--Chris

[mark in uk]

Yep, im in the same boat. As soon as you think you are getting somewhere and doing ok, some other guy comes a long.It hurts like hell, but you know what he is after. Think he wants to take on your 2 kids? grief of a good husband and dad trying to work on a marriage? nope, he wants his oats and run. Hurts us like hell, but gonna hurt wife more knowing she was used. I just take pleasure in the fact that what goes around comes around. My W is same age as yours. Its MLC. They think they missed out, the grass is greener.

Well the grass is greener because there is a load of sh*t under it.
It destroys us, but we will be ok quicker than them. One day you will be able to smile.

sorry if i sound angry but they kick us when we are down. gotta jump up and say no more (inside of us)

[Bill_S]

Ive gotten the same....
She texts alot and cell phone calls. Overheard things I wish I didnt. Snooped alot too. The only option is to let it go. If it bothers you do whatever you have to do to deal with it...as long as she doesnt see you crumble. The weaker we look, the needier we become the less they want us. They look at these scumbags as someone who is strong. Its someone who will fill the hole but deep down they know it wont. But they keep going because, like my wife told me "I dont know what else to do."

Its true. As confused and hurt as we are, they are just as bad. The problem is....when we are on the receiving end they HIDE IT WELL!!!. But you will see signs. They cant hold up a crumbling wall forever.

Dont know your sitch yet but mark is right. What goes around comes around. Hang in there and show her what shes missing out on. You will be rewarded one day for doing whats right.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Thanks Bill and Mark for your kind words and encouragement. I really thought things were taking an uptick and now I have an OM to deal with. She swore to me last Monday that she has been faithful, misses me, etc. Told me everything I wanted and needed to hear. I really don't know if I believe that or not.

You are right about appearing weak. I just need to be strong and hang in there. I know she is hurting and trying to fill a void. Surely she knows the right thing to do is fix our marriage.

Best,
--Chris

[cliffy]

Chris, you are holding strong. This added stress is tough for sure, I started this journey with an OM and some days I get extemely pi$$ed, but try to hide it or just leave the house for a bit. This is just another hurdle that you will cross. She is obviously conflicted and second guessing herself. Consider what you have seen babysteps. Remember, none of what is said and half of what is seen. This goes both good and bad. When the words and actions start meshing then you are making more than babysteps. Keep doing what works and you will be fine.
Strength and Honor!

[Bill_S]

W tells me she is "OK with divorce now." She says she was worried about loosing everything but now realized she will be OK. She even prompts me on occasion to go ahead and file, of course, I most certainly will not. I am hoping she is saying that just to alien spew.

Quite scary....staying out, drinking, coming home right before the kids go to school, foul mouth and the good moments followed by the cold front....

Your actions arent COMPLETELY the reason for her being a WAW....so dont blame yourself. We ALL make mistakes...we choose to learn and grow...they dont (at least not at first/all of them).

They flip flop like crazy!! I call it the yo-yo, and when they feel guilty WE are the targets because WE remind them (they punish themselves) of their mistakes and its easier to blame it on us and treat us like trash than deal their issues.

Theres alot of solid advice here. For me the key was deciding before hand how I would react to her yo-yo. It makes things ALOT easier. Not sure if I posted this here but..Now that Ive let go, backed off, stopped pushing, worked on myself, been her friend, listened without judging etc....shes made a major change. She treats me far better than any other time in the last 5+ years! She wanted to discuss the divorce papers tonight but she hasnt brought it up as of 9 pm. I have no guarantee she wont file, like she said last night,"I have already paid the lawyer....", but I have no real guarantee she will. Gone from a solid "We ARE getting a divorce!" to a "You understand Im probably going to still divorce you right?".

And Im convinced its because of the way IVE changed! DB,DB,DB and if things dont work out you at least have the best you possible.