When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

SB -- Thanks for the insights! I thought it was just me that thought one crying jag should definitely be allowed now and then!

Well, after months of no real R talks with H., I've had 2 in as many days. Don't expect to read about any particularly good DB'ing 'cause THAT didn't happen -- but, I don't think any damage was done to the R and I feel as though I am getting some of the closure I need.

The talk started because I was home from work early and the phone rang and I answered it and the person hung up. There was a lot of background noise so it could very well have been a telemarketer but the caller ID showed "private" which just screamed ow to me. H asked who it was, I said they hung up and it says "private". It was clear that I wasn't completely trusting of the sitch in my voice.

H. came in and said, I hope you don't think that was ow on the phone. And I said, I'm sure there are thousands of people it could have been but it crossed my mind that it might have been her. Then I went on to say that I'm still perplexed by how it could just have been OVER for them, that I had a hard time believing that there had been no contact. H said what he said the other night (that it had been a topic of discussion for some time about ending it). I asked him if he and ow had been in contact since 11/2 and he said no. I don't call her, she doesn't call me, no email, no nothing. He said this calmly.

Then we just kind of had a stream of consciousness conversation. He said that he would not want to be married to anyone but me. I said, not to negate what you just said but if you DID think that you would be happier with ow, I wouldn't stand in your way. I want you to be happy.

We talked a little bit about how the A. screwed up his circle of friends (because she's part of it) and how he wishes that he could email her to tell her to excuse herself from the social activities (because, otherwise, he doesn't go). I told him that from what I understand, she isn't going to be invited to group functions anymore because even though his friends don't KNOW, they know something was up. One of his friends told me that more than one of the social circle was really uncomfortable being around h. and ow because it seemed like something untoward was going on.

I asked him if he and ow had a PA and he said no. I asked if they had ever been naked together he said no. I asked a few other questions to that effect!

The conversation got spotty and we moved downstairs (tonight's school -- ugh). I asked him if we could just put this behind us. He said yes and that he thought it would be harder for me than for him. We hugged and kissed a few times and then I told him that these kinds of conversations make me feel bad because they remind me of how untrusting I have been. I apologized for how mistrustful I had been of him, how it had been about me not him (I'm talking about the period in our M. way-pre-A). He apologized for putting me through all of this. (yah!).

I asked him if we could do something crazy -- like burn the shirt he was wearing the night I found out. He thought that was funny because he had consciously never worn the shirt again but hadn't thrown it out for fear that I would get mad. He thought that it would smell too badly burning (is it polyester? yikes!) so we're talking about cutting it into little pieces and scattering it someplace. Someplace gross.

Anyway -- this is what I've wanted -- an apology, a calm talk about A, him answering questions about it, etc. So, here's the deal...I got what I wanted and now I'm going to move on -- I've asked him, he's answered. I cannot ask for more than that. I will be doing both of us a disservice if I keep focusing on questions and suspicions. I need to rebuild my trust. I need to rebuild my DB efforts.

BTW -- a question for you wise ones -- during this conversation and a conversation or two in the past (since the bomb), H has said that there's a piece of him that isn't sure really wants to be married at all. That may just want to be alone. He says he thinks there's something "broken" in him in that way. Both times he's brought it up, I haven't really talked with him about it because it's a freaky scary thought to me! And, he ahsn't pushed it -- it seems like more of an aside than anything tho' if I picked up on it, he might talk more about it. I'm afraid of what I'd hear, but, I just finished telling him that I could handle anything that he could tell me....should I let him know somehow that I'm here for him if he wants to talk? I don't want him to feel like I'm ignoring what he's saying...maybe I should wait? this is a whole lotta R talk for 2 people!

BTW -- before I left, H. showed me the scene in the Deerhunter that my thread title is from..."when a man says no to champagne, he says no to life" -- coincidence?

Sage