When you say no to champagne....

[sage]

Morning,

Have to admit that I've been feeing a bit out of sorts post-conversation with H. Got caught up in the "people can't change" thing and started wondering if another bomb was going to drop,etc. Realized a few things, though, that I think will take me to my next DB step!

1. DB'ing is about saving me not saving M. I keep forgetting it and I've mentioned before that I think that's kept me from embracing it fully. I'm sorry to hear that H. feels as though people can't change -- but, I think they can, and I have (and I feel that he has too!). I've recognized a host of unhealthy behaviors in me that are keeping me from having the full, intimate, loving, happy, satisfying, strong life that I want. I'm working on those for me. I'm getting grounded for me. I'm learning how to listen for me. I'm learning how to talk without inspiring defensiveness for me. I'm learning how to soothe myself when necessary and share my pain with others when necessary for me. I'm learning how to identify goals and go after them for me. I'm learning how to work through my fear of intimacy for me. I'm learning how to trust for me. I'm learning how to forgive for me. I'm learning that keeping someone at arms length doesn't mean that they won't hurt you for me. I'm learning to heal for me.

2. H. is not a conversation guy -- never has been -- and actions to him are the only measure of success. The conversation about my changes was peppered with the fact that I had just started crying in a restaurant (action). All the good talk in the world isn't going to mean diddly in that case. I need to keep committing actions.

As an important note -- talking about changing with H. did nothing to get me toward ANY goal and actually feels like it derailed the process a bit (least it depressed me for a while!). I need to remember this the next time I'm tempted to go down that tunnel. (I do think that parts of the conversation were quite constructive so need to figure that out).

3. I need to get a life. I'm not sure what this means exactly -- gotta get some goals in place -- but I've been so focused on M. I've forgotten about me.

4. I've been spending way too much time in the past and in the future. H. brought that point home the other day -- we're doing really well on a day to day basis. I can even feel the web of creating a future life together as a result -- but my inability to revel in that is messing me up.

What went well yesterday:
H. thanked me for our conversation and thanked me for navigating through his conversation style.

H. was very affectionate while we were watching tv.

H. read to me from the book that he was reading last night

What didn't go well:
A couple of things -- first off, I'm still feeling overly sensitive and I'm getting definite feedback from H. that he's feeling my sensitivity. I HAVE to stop taking him so seriously and I HAVE to stop apologizing for being me!

I set him up a bit last night in a way that used to be typical. We were supposed to go orienteering on Sunday (1st time) -- I found the event and have been talking about it for more than a month. Well, turns out that H.'s bball team is having an informal practice at the same time. I told H. if he wanted to go to the practice it was ok but I think I was using that as a test to see which he would choose. I've done this before and it's not fair to either of us. I was definitely feeling peeved that it appears that he's choosing bball instead but how can I blame him? I TOLD him that it was ok with me. Not good stuff.

--Sage